A short while
ago I was at the grocery store with my son. It had been a big shopping trip, the cart was pretty full,
and I had two items left on my list.
About halfway through the trip Benjamin started getting fussy, but I was
able to calm him with his pacifier and toys. Two items left to go, and his pacifier and toys were no
longer keeping him happy. I picked
him up out of the cart and as I did so I said, “Good gracious, child.” It turns out Benjamin and I were not
alone in the aisle. A complete
stranger gave me a look and said, “He just wants to be held.” I was really tempted to respond with,
“Do you want to push my cart and I’ll hold my baby while I tell you what to put
in the cart?” Instead I said,
“Apparently,” and hurried out of the aisle.
I was super
embarrassed. Of course I could
have handled Benjamin’s crying better.
Parenting in public is hard because it feels like you are constantly being
scrutinized by everyone else. As I drove away from the store, a lot of angry thoughts
entered my mind. Some included:
“She is obviously not a mother or she would not have said those things to me!”
and “When she has kids she is going to have a rude awakening, pushing a FULL
cart with one hand while holding a baby in another is not easy!”
Later when I had
calmed down, I realized that I had been doing exactly what I was upset with her
for doing: judging. Not only that,
but I was her not long ago. When I
would see a mom struggling with her child(ren) in public I would say to whoever
was with me: “When I’m a mom I’m going to do that differently,” or “I will
never ignore my kids like that in public,” or “I will never yell at my kids
like that in public.” Well, now
I’m that mom. Granted Benjamin is
only nine months old, so I’m not doing any hard core disciplining. But I am doing things I never imagined
I would do. Like letting him cry
himself to sleep. I’m starting to
learn not to judge other moms, because their kids are different from Benjamin,
and what works for him might not work for them. And in learning this, I have also learned about judging in
general.
Hmmm… I don’t
want to say learned. Because it’s
not like being non-judgmental is new to me at 23 years old. Let me change that to re-learned or was
reminded about being judgmental.
Leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have said some pretty great things about what can cause judgment to
occur:
"We may often find ourselves making quick
judgments about people, which can change or redefine our relationships with
them. Often incorrect judgments are made because of limited information or
because we do not see beyond that which is immediately in front of us." –
Gregory A. Schwitzer in Developing Good Judgment and Not Judging Others.
"When a starter in a race says “get set,”
the runners are in a state of readiness for the “go.” They expect to start
running. Similarly, we sometimes have a set or expectancy about what a person
is going to be like. Our set influences how we perceive him." – Kenneth L.
Higbee in Judge Not.
Then there are also some great statements on why
it is important to not judge:
“This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a
two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing,
holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following: Stop it!
We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are
beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached
the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of
our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins
we have committed? Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny
to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My
beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?”
– President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in The Merciful Obtain Mercy.
"Even if our perceptions were accurate and
we could perceive intent as well as behavior, we would still not be qualified
to judge. The Lord indicated the reason for this in his Sermon on the Mount
when he told us to not be too concerned about the mote in our brother’s eye
until we get the beam out of our own eye. (Matt. 7:3–5.)… The judgment of the
Lord is fair and just, because he can accurately perceive intents ( 1 Kgs.
8:39; 1 Sam. 16:7 ), and he takes these into account in judging us.” – Kenneth
L. Higbee in Judge Not.
Even though we are discouraged from negative judgment,
we are encouraged to exercise righteous judgment to help us make good
decisions. John 7:24 says, “Judge
not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.” So how do we exercise righteous
judgement? Gregory A. Schwitzer,
in the April 2010 General Conference, gave four pointers on how to do so:
1. "First, put your own personal standards
in alignment with the gospel of Jesus Christ.”
2. "Second,
listen to the messages of the living prophet."
3. "Third,
cultivate with the Holy Spirit a relationship of listening."
4.
"Fourth, keep the commandments."
So we have been given some causes of judgment,
why we shouldn’t judge, and how to exercise righteous judgment. But what happens when a judgmental
thought enters our minds? Does
that make us bad people? I do not
think so. I believe that it is
what we do with that thought that matters. If we dwell on that though and tell others about it, then I
believe that is judgmental. But if
we find ways to get rid of that thought, then we are heading in the right
direction. For me one way of doing
this is to remind myself that I don’t know all of the details about why someone
does a certain thing, says a certain thing or looks a certain way. Therefore judging them is
inappropriate.
I want you to know that I am in no way perfect
at this. I still have moments
where I get a little far down the judgment road before I stop myself. But acknowledging that I need to change
is already a step in the right direction.
It is one way to follow Christ.
I believe that when we do not judge others we are happier people and
allow the Holy Spirit to be with us.
