My Personal Experience During the Ordain Women Movement

My very first blog post was about me defining myself as a woman and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. At the time there was a lot of hype about the Ordain Woman movement, and that included questions that the group was asking as well as questions non-members were asking because of that group; and that inspired me to define myself and share with the internet. Only 50 people read that post, and I’m pretty sure all of them were friends and family. But I did not start a blog to become a Matt Walsh or a Kathryn Skaggs (I actually enjoy the latter of those two), so that doesn’t bother me. I started a blog for a place to put down my thoughts, and I made it public so that whoever needed the same message would find it.

Anyway, it has been almost a year since I learned about and started following (from a distance) the Ordain Women movement; and I have changed and grown a lot since and so I want to share that change and growth. First, I want to explain why I am posting about this when the social media hype about this topic has died – for the moment, I’m sure it will start up again around the next General Conference when they plan something. The first reason is because I needed time to calm down and gather my thoughts. The second reason is because I know people are still talking about it amongst themselves; I have heard students on BYU campus, members in my ward and stake, and friends and family – and I have been apart of some of those conversations. This blog is not intended to attack OW or explain why they are wrong and I am right. The intent is to share my experiences and what I have learned along the way. So, here is my journey:

I first came across the OW movement when a friend of mine shared a blog post that she found titled “The Mormon feminist protest: And why I won’t be there.” You can tell simply by the title that the writer of that post does not agree with OW. I honestly thought that it was a great article. Any woman who read it hopefully felt empowered by those words and comfortable in their own skin. This post was published a month before the October 2013 General Conference, and during the month of September countless people – myself included – spread it around the Internet.

Now, that post taught me that a group of women were going to try to get into the Conference Center during the Priesthood Session the weekend of General Conference. On the outside I rolled my eyes and shook my head, but on the inside – I’ll admit – I was a little curious. While I didn’t want to go join them, I was curious to see why they thought what they did, and I was even more curious to see how this would play out: Would they be successful? Would they get in trouble? Was this a fad? Would they convince others? Would they convince me?

So I did some brief reading into what individual members of OW believe. At the time (Sep/Oct 2013) I understood it this way: Some people interpret specific scripture verses as well as quotes from modern day prophets that hint at women one day receiving the priesthood; however, whether that will be in this life or the next is not known. Some people interpret those same verses and quotes to mean that women will receive the priesthood in this life and they are hoping that the timing is now. Some people are using those same verses and quotes to demand the priesthood for women right now.

I have not studied the scriptures the way that these women have so I don’t really have a counter argument to any of the specific verses and quotes they are talking about. At the time, I didn’t really have an opinion one way or the other. I was trying to decide how I felt. For a brief moment I decided that I would only go with this if the Prophet lead the Church in that direction, because that would mean that it came from God. I thought that if it is going to happen it will happen on the Lord’s timing. As Conference drew nearer I thought about how I would feel if on Saturday morning, when President Monson makes his announcements, he said that women could start receiving the Priesthood. It was a weird feeling and I highly doubted that it would happen. But I still played what my dad calls “the what if game” with myself. What if women can receive the Priesthood? Will it be required? Or will it be like sister missionaries, where you can go if you want but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t? Will our temple recommends be void until we get through all of the levels of the Aronic Priesthood first? The more I thought about, the less I felt like it was going to happen, and the more I hoped it wouldn’t happen.

A week or two before the October Conference excerpts from a letter were posted online for all to see. It was addressed to the women who had requested tickets to the Priesthood session from the Church’s Spokeswoman. She said that tickets were reserved for boys and men ages 12 and older, just like tickets to the Relief Society General Meeting are reserved for women ages 18 and older. She then added that the Priesthood Session would be broadcasted live online or on BYUtv for anyone who did not get tickets.

I personally thought that was amazing. This was going to be the first time that the Priesthood Session would be broadcast anywhere but a Stake Center. Men and women would be able to watch it from their homes! I thought that it was great progress for the Church. While I have never felt unequal in the Church, I understand that other women have so I was hopeful that this change would be a step toward making those women feel better.

Two things stuck out to me during the October 2013 General Conference. The first was that President Monson did not announce that women would be receiving the Priesthood. The second was a talk by Sister Carole M. Stephens titled, “Do We Know What We Have?” As I was listening to the talk I got the message, “how can we be asking for more when we haven’t fulfilled 100% the other things we have been asked to do?” Now, I know she didn’t actually say anything like that, but that was the thought that came to my mind as I was listening. It was something that I personally needed to hear. Then, a month later as I read her speech in the Ensign I noticed that she was reminding us of what we already have and how we can and should use it. I chose her message to share with the sisters I visit teach that month.

I don’t remember any of the other talks from that Conference (I have a very young son who needed my attention), but I walked away from that Conference with the confirmation that women do not need to hold the priesthood and I was ok with that.

A few weeks after General Conference I was on BYU campus in one of the hallways waiting for my next class to start; I was trying to study when I picked up the contents of a conversation a few feet away from me: it was about OW. The sentence that stuck out to me was, “The Community of Christ gives women the Priesthood, they should just switch over to that Church.” OH MY GOODNESS, did I really just hear that? I forgot to pretend to be studying and actually looked up at that person in surprise and anger. How could someone say that? We should NEVER want others to leave the Church that we know to be true. We should NEVER push others away just because we have different viewpoints. At that point my view on the members of OW changed. I was no longer angry at those women who I didn’t know, I loved them as my sisters; and I wanted them to feel at peace in the Lord’s Church and to feel His love like I did.

The topic died down by December and the Internet jumped onto a new topic (gay marriage in Utah actually). But as April Conference was coming up, the OW topic started making its rounds again, because these women were once again going to try and get into the Priesthood session. This time the news was more heavily involved. My anger was rekindled because the news made the Church look like a bunch of sexist old men. It was so frustrating for me because I didn’t understand how someone could say they believe in the restored Gospel and then subject the Church to that kind of insult from the natural man news. Also during this time the Church spokeswoman sent out 2 or 3 wonderful public statements and letters about women and the priesthood and asking questions. To me they cleared many things up – things that I personally was not struggling with, but now I knew the right words to say to someone who was if the conversation came up.

A week before General Conference was the first ever General Women’s meeting. This meeting included women and girls ages 8 and up!!!!!! I wrote an entire blog post about that event. But to sum it up for this post, it was about unity among the Women of the Church. During that meeting I couldn’t help but think of  OW. We should not be pushing them away. We need to keep them united with us, and unite with them, as daughters of God.

Another thing that happened right before Conference was the announcement that the portraits of the General presidencies for Relief Society, Young Women and Primary would be placed in the Conference Center. This was done to show the representation of women in Church leadership. The articles that announced the putting up of these portraits also talked about how for some time auxiliary leaders have been meeting to see how they can meet the needs and hear the voices of the women in the Church. One example of this was lowering the female missionary age two years ago from 21 to 19 years old. Then during Conference someone on facebook pointed out that the RS, YW and Primary general presidencies were sitting behind the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve, instead of off to the side like they had been in the past. I LOVED that. I thought it was a great statement of the voice that women have the Church. With all of these public statements and the recognition of female leaders, I felt that the Church was trying very hard to give women a voice and show that they are valued.

The April Conference sessions were FULL of talks that either mentioned or were all about the priesthood. I'm going to list some that stood out to me (minus the General Women's Meeting because I already did a post on that):

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/saturday-afternoon-session/if-ye-love-me-keep-my-commandments?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/priesthood-session/the-keys-and-authority-of-the-priesthood?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/priesthood-session/what-manner-of-men?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/sunday-morning-session/love-the-essence-of-the-gospel?lang=eng

Of course there were more than that, if I didn't put one in that you like please put the link in the comments and tell us what you liked about it. :)

Once again after Conference I felt good about women not needing the priesthood. I felt like the topic could be put to rest. The general leaders of the Church had spoken – and if you believe that they speak for God as I do, then everything should be fine. I was wrong. Everything was not fine. In fact, people were abuzz with this topic from April until July of this year, both on and off the Internet.

Since most of my friends on social media took the General Conference addresses to mean that women will not be holders of the priesthood (though we will always have access to its blessings), their personal postings along with the blog posts they shared were along the lines of disagreeing with OW. While I agreed with every piece evidence that these posts used (scripture verses, doctrine, and quotes from Latter-Day leaders), there was an overall angry and negative tone to most of the posts. Of course I understood that anger, but I marveled at their ability to post it so blatantly for all to see. I did not believe we would be gaining any new supporters by the way our “side” was arguing its case.

Then I came across a blog post that reminded me of how members of the Church should be using social media: and that is for missionary work. (I cannot find the post to put the link here, if anyone knows what I am talking about please put the link in the comments!) I decided to take on this reminder and make sure that if I posted anything religious its content would bring others unto Christ, not continue the arguments that already plague the Internet. One way I have done is that if I post a status on my facebook on Sundays it is always sharing either a spiritual experience, scripture verse, or quote from a Church leader. Of course that doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t defend LDS Doctrine when needed; but I have found that when I use only my emotions I usually add to the anger, but when I take the time to calm down and use the Spirit, my comments are usually kinder and very few people continue to argue.

About a week or so after conference one of my “friends” shared a blog post about someone’s experience trying to get into the Priesthood session with OW. (I say “friend” because I knew them through my brother, but we don’t actually hang out on our own.) In sharing this blog her status talked about how she also went up to Salt Lake to try and get into the Priesthood session, and how it felt to be turned away. She then quoted Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” And then added that she believed that women would one day receive the priesthood and that she would continue to ask and knock until that happened. Then I read that blog post. I was absolutely shaking with fury by the time I was finished with it.

I thought of several comments that I wanted to type under that girl’s status:

“There is a difference between genuinely asking and knocking, and being a Martin Harris.”

“That scripture is about seeking Christ, not asking God to change His will to yours.”

“Did the author of this post go to the same General Women’s meeting that I did? Because the one I went to had three female speakers, one male speaker, a twelve year old girl say the opening prayer and a choir full of women of all ages. I did not go to a meeting where ‘male prophets and apostles tell me how to be a woman.’”

I promise I did not say any of those things. I turned off the computer and walked away so that I wouldn’t. I was so angry and hurt. Hurt over something a complete stranger had said. How could people like her do this? How could they say that they believed the Church was true and then turn around and say those horrible things for the whole world to read and spread around? Mormons are already ridiculed for worldly issues, and now we were being judged for something that was going on among the members! I stomped around my home trying to calm down. I started doing some laundry hoping that getting lost in work would do it. I found myself running into my room and literally felt a physical force push me down onto my knees. I started praying, and immediately felt this heavy anger lift off of my shoulders, which was replaced by a warm comforting embrace. I’m not going to share the details of that prayer because it is very personal. What I am going to share is that I walked away no longer angry with those women. I really felt for them, and I wanted them to be able to feel peace and love from our Heavenly Father and from their fellow brothers and sisters in the Church. And I still want that for them. I want that for anyone who is struggling with doubt or questions, or any other trial.

I thought about blog posts and comments differently after that. I tried to understand what, in these women’s lives, had led them to think that receiving the priesthood was the only way to have a voice and be equal in our Church. And I noticed a pattern. Most of the ones I read had gone through several experiences where they felt like their voices were not heard. One example is I read the story of a young woman who didn’t enjoy her YW activities or Personal Progress because they didn’t fit her interests. I thought back to my own YW experience; and mine was quite different. My YW leaders let the girls plan the activities, and made sure that everyone’s interests were met throughout the year. Also, I would get permission to change the Personal Progress experiences to fit what I wanted as long as it still fit with the specified value. As I compared my experience with hers, I wonder if part of the issue is that these experiences can and should be fixed on a local level, without running to the First Presidency. I’m not trying to blame any one person, but I think that maybe both sides should be more open to communication and compromise. (An that actually goes along with the public letter from the Church spokeswoman about how questions and concerns are welcome.)

One example of such communication is my mom’s recent experience as an Activity Days leader. My mom is over the 8 year old girls along with another woman in her ward. One day the girls asked my mom why the cub scouts get a pinewood derby and they don’t. My mom asked them if they would like to have an Activity Days pinewood derby, and they said yes. So my mom planned a pinewood derby for the Activity Days girls. They spent time together designing their cars, working on them, painting them, and then they had a race where their families were invited. My mom said that the girls had a lot of fun and really enjoyed themselves. My mom could have said, “That’s not part of the Activity Days schedule.” But she didn’t. She listened to them and did what they wanted.

Now I realize that some individuals go through bigger issues than what kind of activities the different organizations in the Church do. This is just one example about open communication.

When it came to social media there wasn’t much of a break before OW was back in the news. This time it was because their founder and leader had been called to present herself at a disciplinary council in her stake, where everyone knew she would probably be excommunicated. I had a lot of feelings going on as people voiced her opinions online and the news told only OW’s side of the story. The most shocking comments were the ones that said things like, “What did she expect? She should have seen this coming!” I realize that people were angry. I definitely had moments of anger too, but I knew that voicing them online was not going to be effective. (I did twice: one was a good experience, the other not so much.) It was like this triumph of comments, and it honestly did not make me feel good. I felt bad for Kate Kelly, and I sincerely hope that she can feel God’s love and comfort and find her way back. Shortly after Kate’s excommunication she told the rest of OW to stay in the Church. I think that is very telling, and I hope she meant it and that the other members of OW choose to stay.

The time coming up to her disciplinary council and the aftermath of her excommunication people were talking about it. My son is at a very active age, but not yet in nursery, so I spend a lot of Relief Society time out in the hall with him. There is a group of 3 or 4 people from the ward who meets before us who are usually down the hall visiting at this time. During the summer months every time I was out in the hall, those people were talking about OW, and every time I heard the same thing, “Why don’t they just start their own Church?” I could not believe my ears. Why would anyone who has a testimony of the Gospel encourage others to leave? Once again I would like to remind you of the theme of the General Women’s meeting: UNITY. Telling people to leave who disagree is not unity. In fact, on one of those Sundays, another woman from my ward was also out in the hall when this conversation was going on. At one point I believe she couldn’t take it anymore (she didn’t actually say anything to me) and she let out a huge sigh and stomped into the Relief Society room. That’s exactly what I was afraid that kind of talk would do. It’s going to hurt feelings in a time where we all need love.

So, why haven’t these women converted over to the Community of Christ or start their own Church? Because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God. These women know it or they would already be gone. I believe that the fact that they are still here after not getting into the Priesthood session twice, being attacked on social media (granted they have done their share of attacking, neither “side” is innocent), and dealing with the excommunication of their leader shows that they still have faith in the Lord’s Church. Both “sides” need to be reminded that we belong to the same Church, that we worship the same God, and that we are all brothers and sisters who need to love and comfort each other.

As I look back over my personal experience with this movement I have noticed a pattern: I get angry, and then my heart is softened, I get angry, and then my heart is softened. I believe this movement has tested everyone’s faith in some way – and not just the 400 or so women involved. While it didn’t test my faith in the doctrine or leaders of the Church, it tested my ability to control my anger and to not judge. There were times where I failed miserably and there were time where I overcame it. I’m still not perfect. And that’s the beauty of the Atonement. It’s there to help us when we need comfort, when we fall below expectations, and when we need to repent. I know I will continue to be tested in this area when it comes to judging and controlling my temper, but I plan on learning from this experience and will hopefully do better with the next one. I don’t know what OW has planned for the future, but for me, it’s over. I think it should be that way for everyone else too. No more, “Why Kate Kelly is wrong” posts. Let’s love these sisters and bring them back into the fold.

What have you experienced in the past year with regards to OW? Have you been tested in anyway? Do you have any suggestions on how to show love towards these women? You may answer in the comments, or you can keep it to yourself. But at least answer the questions, especially the last one. God loves each and every one of us, we are His children, and He wants His children to love each other the way that He loves them.

A Prayer in the Heart - Being in Tune with the Spirit

“Have a prayer in your heart.” I have grown up hearing that phrase, and I always thought I knew what that meant. I figured that it was simply when I was in a position where I needed or wanted to pray, but literally couldn’t get down on my knees, bow my head and close my eyes – like driving a car – so I say a prayer inside my heart. I think that is it in its basic form, but I have recently experienced some deeper meanings to having a prayer in my heart.

I think – a lot. And I have conversations with myself – a lot. Especially when something really big is being discussed or considered controversial. I usually do not jump into the conversations and argue with strangers – or even friends and family. But I do pay attention. I read, I listen, and then I struggle internally. Sometimes my struggle is that after everything I have read and heard, I still am unsure on which “side” I believe or agree with; I understand aspects on both “sides.” Other times, my struggle is that I know what I believe, but I don’t know how to state that belief or defend it in the correct way. It is at these moments that a thought will enter my mind, and everything I was struggling with is perfectly clear. And I’m always like, “Oh my gosh, why did I not think of this before?!” And then I realize that it’s not me finally being brilliant, it’s God answering my questions and calming my struggles. He’s answering the prayer that was in my heart; responding to my desperate search for answers.

As I have had these experiences and studied this topic, I have learned a lot about prayer. The first is that Heavenly Father wants us to converse with him constantly. Alma 34:27 says, “Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your heats be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” And D&C 19:28 says, “And again, I command the that thou shalt pray vocally as well as in thy heart; yea, before the world as well as in secret, in public as well as in private.”

lds.org gives us an example of how we can do this, “Although we cannot be continuously on our knees, always offering a personal, private prayer, we can let our hearts be ‘full, drawn out in prayer unto [God] continually’ (Alma 34:27). Throughout each day, we can maintain a constant feeling of love for our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son. We can silently express gratitude to our Father and ask Him to strengthen us in our responsibilities. In times of temptation or physical danger, we can silently ask for His help.”

The second thing I have learned is that we need to use the Spirit when we pray. Romans 8:26 says, “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

A couple years ago while visiting teaching, my companion said that she had been taught to pause every once in a while during prayer and listen to the Spirit to guide her what to say. I started doing that and have noticed how much my prayers have changed in how personal they are and how I talk to Heavenly Father. When I use the Spirit in my prayers I feel like I am having a conversation with Heavenly Father and I find it easier to listen to and accept the answers I am given.

Which leads into the third thing I have learned, and that is how Heavenly Father answers our prayers. In a June 2014 Ensign article by Elder Richard G. Scott (Agency and Answers: Recognizing Revelation) we are told how Heavenly Father answers our prayers:

“When He answers yes, it is to give us confidence. When He answers no, it is to prevent error. When He withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth. We are expected to assume accountability by acting on a decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation.” – pg. 50

“He will confirm the correctness of our choices His way. That confirmation generally comes through packets of help found along the way. We discover them by being spiritually sensitive. They are like notes from a loving Father as evidence of His approval. If, in trust, we begin something that is not right, He will let us know before we have gone too far. We sense that help by recognizing troubled or uneasy feelings.” – pg. 50

I have found this to be true. The most common one I experience is where I have to do my own research, study and actions before I receive an answer from Him. And along the way I feel little moments of guidance that tell me, “yes, go this way” or “no, stop doing that.” And I truly get a “yes” or a “no” once I have done all that I can and present my “findings” to Him through prayer. One recent experience of this was I felt like I wanted to pursue a certain route and I was unsure of where to begin. So I started researching, but I didn’t like any of the sources that I was coming across. I talked to my husband about it and I could tell that he was not comfortable with the idea. I then went to Heavenly Father in prayer; I went to bed as confused as ever, but when I woke up in the morning my mind was clear and I realized that I did not need to pursue that at the moment and I was better off doing other things.

Elder Scott also reminds us to accept the answer when it is “no”: “Heavenly Father hears our prayers. He may not always answer as we expect, but He does answer—in His own time and according to His will. Because He knows what is best for us, He may sometimes answer no, even when our petitions are sincere.”

I have recently twice had the answer to my prayer be “no,” and I had to find a way to accept that. I’ll admit I really struggled accepting that. The first “no” I was able to quickly accept as I found a new “solution” that became a “yes.” The second “no” I am still unsure what to do with. I have had moments of feeling helpless and heart broken, but I have also felt comfort and love from Heavenly Father and those feelings overpower the negative ones. During this process I have been reminded to focus on my immediate family – my husband, my son and myself – and that has pointed me back to the straight and narrow and I got back to being happy again. That is the key to accepting the “no” answers, keeping Heavenly Father and your family close. And we keep Him close by being in tune with the Spirit having a prayer in our hearts.

And the fourth thing I have learned is to pray to learn God’s will, not to receive a specific desired outcome. This goes along with using the Spirit when we pray. When the purpose of our prayers are to ask for His will, then the answers He sends are easier to hear and accept. But when the purpose of our prayers is to find a specific answer we have in mind, then we can accidently block out the Spirit and we won’t hear the answer because we will be so intent on trying to find our desired outcome. I’m not saying that you can’t hope for a specific answer, but when your desired outcome is the only answer you will accept, then you run into a problem. Elder Scott said it more simply:

“Sometimes answers to prayer are not recognized because we are too intent on wanting confirmation of our own desires. We fail to see that the lord would have us do something else. Be careful to see His will.” – pg. 51

This is why using the Spirit when we pray is so important, because he will always guide us to say our feelings and then ask God what His will is. And when that happens, the Lord will answer. I promise He will answer. Sometimes He literally gives me an answer in my heart and mind, and sometimes He leads me to something (a talk, a person, a scripture verse, etc.) that I haven’t yet found that gives me an answer. And as I have become more in tune with His Spirit, I don’t have to struggle so hard and so long on my own before I feel his guidance.

I know that He is there, I know that He hears you, and I know that He will answer.

So, what are your personal experiences with prayer? What have you learned about Heavenly Father, the Spirit, and yourself from prayer? How have your prayers been answered? If you don't want to share with anyone else, at least write it down in your journal or on your computer, somewhere. Recording your thoughts is so refreshing. And remember: Heavenly Father loves you and He will answer. 

Motherhood is not the Toughest Job in the World

When motherhood is defended, a common phrase I see is: “Motherhood is the toughest job in the world” and is usually followed by, “it is a thankless job.” While there are moments of raising children that are extremely tough, and there are moments where we as moms can feel unappreciated, I feel like choosing that to describe motherhood makes it sound like we are complaining. How can we properly defend motherhood if we complain about it?

Motherhood is not the toughest job in the world because it’s not a job; it’s a way of life. When a woman becomes a mother, she isn’t a mother for only 8 hours a day, five days a week. She is a mother 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Mothers do not get to retire after so many years; they are moms forever. Moms take care of their kids for at least twenty years; and when their kids move out there will still be plenty of times where those grown children will still need their mom. That is wonderful! We will forever be apart of our children’s lives!

Are there moments where motherhood is tough? Absolutely. My first night home with my son I ended up calling my mom at 5 in the morning for help, because neither my son nor I had slept and he was not nursing well. That was tough. A couple of days after that, the two of us (my son and I) had figured it out and it was no longer tough. I feel like the good moments of motherhood far outweigh the tough moments. And when talking about the tough moments it is important to add how we overcame those tough moments or lived through them.

My only sibling, a brother, is three years younger than me. Being practically a baby myself, I couldn’t help take care of or raise him. Because of that I didn’t feel comfortable in my capability in how to talk to kids, play with kids or take care of kids. When I was pregnant with my son this fear got worse. I had no idea how to take care of him once he was out of my body. My husband, on the other hand, was 10 years old when one of his sisters was born and 18 when another was born; being around kids was second nature to him. He reassured me that I would be fine, but I still worried.

When my son was born my worst fears were confirmed – or so it seemed. When we got home from the hospital I was too tired to do anything. My mom came home with us to help and she sent me to bed so that I could get some sleep. I burst into tears and said that if I went to sleep my son would think his grandma was his mom instead of me. (Of course now I realize that I was being silly, but I was sleep deprived and a first time mommy.) My mom reassured me that that would not happen, and I feel asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Later that night, after my mom had left, we got ready for bed and I was expecting to sleep in three-hour intervals. My son had other plans. I was having a hard time nursing him, so I don’t think he was getting a full tummy every time he ate. He wanted to eat every hour instead of every three; and on top of that he wanted to sleep in my arms, not in his bed. Every time I laid him down in his bed asleep it would be maybe thirty minutes before he was crying again. I was still healing from giving birth, so pulling myself out of bed was exhausting, painful, and hard. At five in the morning I caught myself falling asleep in the rocking chair while holding him! My husband had been helping hold our son throughout the night, but only I could feed him; and we were both dangerously exhausted at this point. So I swallowed my new mommy pride and called my own mom for help. My mom came over, got our permission to give our son a bottle, and sent my husband and I to bed.

It was really hard and embarrassing to admit to my mom that I needed help and didn’t know what I was doing. It also seemed to confirm what I had thought all along: motherhood was hard, and I wasn’t good at it. For the next two weeks I slept when my son slept, and didn’t do much else but feed and take care of him. When my son was about three weeks old I started keeping up the rest of my home again: cleaning, cooking, etc. I felt each new week of motherhood get easier and more natural. Does that mean the tough moments disappeared? No. But it got easier to make it through them and figure out how to fix them.

That’s what makes the tough parts so valuable to get through: once we figure it out we feel like supermom and our kids love us! It feels so awesome to finally figure out what will make your baby stop crying, or how much food will keep them asleep in longer intervals. And that’s where this misconception of motherhood “being a thankless job” comes in. Yeah, most kids don’t say “thank you” and sometimes fathers and husbands don’t either. But I believe that they show their appreciation in other ways than saying those two words.

My son might not be able to say “thank you” when I come into his room to get him in the morning; but his big smile, giggle and reaching his arms out to me says it all. He might not be able to say “thank you” when I give him food, but when he says, “mmmmm!” with his toothy smile says it all. Bringing books to me to read to him says it all. Splashing in the bathtub and laughing says it all. And giving me goodnight kisses says it all. 

One time I was so sick that I could not get out of bed unless it was to go throw up. My husband stayed home from work that day so that he could take care of our son while I rested. He literally did everything I usually do that day. When I was feeling better the next day my husband said, “Wow. I can’t believe how much you do in one day to take care of our family.” My husband taking care of our son for an entire day by himself and then saying those words was better than a “thank you.” Of course saying “thank you” is still nice, but there are other ways of showing appreciation that should not be over looked. This is just one example, and my husband is constantly showing his appreciation for me and for what I do for our family.

Even though I don’t think that motherhood is “the toughest job in the world,” I still go to bed physically tired at night. I am constantly picking up toys, doing the laundry, cooking, and washing dishes. But it’s not too hard, its just part of my life and I’m willing to do it. I like having a clean home and a happy baby, so I do what I need to do to make that happen. The thing about motherhood is that it’s trial and error. We keep trying new things to see what works. When it doesn’t work we feel like things are going tough and it’s frustrating, but when we try something that does work then we sing “Hallelujah!” and things get better.

Motherhood may not be “the toughest job in the world,” but it is the most rewarding. Every triumph feels like I’ve conquered the world. Every new development makes me feel so proud. Every smile, giggle, hug and kiss makes me feel so loved. And to me, that makes all of the tough and thankless moments worth it.

So what about you? Mothers, fathers and other caregivers; what tough moments in child rearing have you gone through? How did you overcome them and make them a positive experience? What is rewarding about child rearing for you?

Modesty, a Way to Respect God

Growing up in an Latter-day Saint community, whenever modesty was taught and discussed it always felt that the focus was only on girls staying modest to help boys keep their thoughts clean. Don’t get me wrong; I believe that is extremely important, but if that is the only reason behind modesty, feelings can and have gotten hurt. I remember as a teenager getting upset that I had to be in charge of my male peers’ emotions by what I wore. I took it as a personal challenge to prove that I could wear what I wanted and still be seen as a good, moral person. I felt that it was the boys’ problem if they couldn’t control their thoughts.

For the most part I was modest. My High School had a dress code, and I followed the “Dress and Grooming Standards” in the Strength for Youth at Church and when I went to BYU. But I really fought it on weekends and during the summer. When my husband and I were preparing to get married, I had to get rid of a lot of clothes. I also had to buy a whole new set of summer attire, because I wanted to go through the temple and knew that my current wardrobe would not work with garments. I was spending money when I should have been saving it for my new life with my husband.

I didn’t really think about modesty too much after going through the temple, I just started wearing what would cover my garments. Then, about six months ago there was an explosion on my Facebook newsfeed of blog posts and articles about modesty. About half of them were emphasizing the traditional idea that girls need to be modest in order to keep boys’ thoughts pure, and the other half were angry responses about how boys need to learn to control their thoughts and that women should not be judged by what they wear. I do agree with points made on both sides, but I also think that modesty has more aspects to it than just keeping thoughts pure – more spiritual aspects. At the time I wanted to say that I believe that modesty also shows our respect towards God, who is the creator and giver of our bodies. And since our bodies are gifts from God, and we have been taught that our bodies are temples,  then we should treat our bodies as such. I realize that this post is about six months late, but as a college student and a mother, I didn’t have time to type this in one sitting. I also wanted to make sure that I worded everything in the way I wanted to, and I needed to spend time looking through lds.org to find the best quotes on modesty. So, here are my thoughts on modesty:

I want to start off by saying that I believe that the same modesty standards can and should apply to both genders. I believe that both men and women should not wear clothing that is too tight (one thing that helps me is if I feel like I have to suck in my stomach then my shirt is too tight, and if I cannot walk normally then my pants are too tight). I also believe that both men and women should wear clothing that will cover garments before and after going through the temple. It is very common to not think about what will or will not cover garments until you are about to go through the temple or after already going through the temple – I was one of those people. Looking back, I wish that I would have thought about that more during my teen years. I have recently realized that my mom was trying to get me to think about that when picking out clothing, but I was too busy fighting her to listen. Now, that I have started a family of my own, it’s my turn to do the teaching; and I hope that by putting my thoughts down together I will be better prepared to teach my children about modesty.

Now that I have gone over what modesty is to me, I’m going to discuss why modesty is important to me. I’ll start with clean and pure thoughts. I realize that this is the most popular argument behind modesty, and not what I want to focus on; but I do want to briefly mention it because it is still important. The most common statement behind this is that girls need to dress modestly so that boys can have clean thoughts. I agree with that, but I also believe that boys should also dress modestly to help girls with their thoughts. Teenage boys are not the only ones who are learning how to control and understand their hormones. Both genders should help each other.

Another important aspect is to make everyone comfortable: yourself and everyone around you. There may be times where immodesty does not lead to impure thoughts, but it still can lead to discomfort. Have you ever been in a situation where someone is wearing something that makes you uncomfortable? You find it hard to look at them, yet you need to give them attention because you are talking to them. You don’t know what to do with your eyes because you don’t want to appear judgmental, but you also don’t want to appear perverted. That is what I am talking about when it comes to discomfort. Another comfort to care about is our own. We should ask ourselves: Am I really comfortable in this outfit (physically and mentally)? Do I care what people think of me in this outfit? What does this outfit say about me? Would I meet with my bishop in this outfit? President Monson? Jesus Christ? Heavenly Father? I remember during the summers and on weekends, if I ran into someone from my ward or a teacher from my school I would feel embarrassed by what they saw me wearing.  I tried to brush it off, but those feelings stuck with me.

When we are modest, we show our commitment to live the gospel and share it. President Ezra Taft Benson counseled us to “dress and groom yourself in a way that reflects your lifelong commitment to share the gospel with others.” For me the words “lifelong commitment” jump out. Sharing the gospel and our testimony is not just 18 months to 2 years, it should last our entire lives; and along with that should we also dress modestly throughout our entire lives. The April 2014 Ensign issue has an entire article dedicated to modesty. Like President Benson, these authors also make the connection between a commitment to modesty and the gospel.  They say that “we show our commitment through consistency: abiding by the Lord’s commandments at all times rather than when it is convenient” (pg. 12). Essentially, it is important to be modest at all times, not just at Church and other similar events.

Our bodies are gifts from Heavenly Father and they should be treated as such. Dressing modestly is one way to show that we know this, believe it, and respect it. In the April 2014 Ensign article about modesty (link in previous paragraph), several young adults gave their opinions on modesty. One young adult, Luis Da Cruz Junior from Brazil said:

“We learn from the gospel that our body is a gift from God.  Our bodies help us progress and become as our Father is. For this reason it is important to dress modestly. By so doing, we show God and others that we have respect for this gift and for others.” (pg. 12)

The page about modesty on lds.org states that:

“Prophets have always counseled us to dress modestly. This counsel is founded on the truth that the human body is God's sacred creation. We must respect our bodies as a gift from God. Through our dress and appearance, we can show the Lord that we know how precious our bodies are.”

Our bodies are also temples. When we dress modestly we show that we know this. In “ToClothe a Temple” John S. Tanner said:

“Yet for teenagers as for children, modesty is finally much more than a matter of tight pants or spandex swimming suits, of hemlines or necklines. Rather, it’s a line drawn in the heart; it’s the result of truly believing that the body is the temple of the spirit.

The same holds true for adults, who may be the worst offenders against the principle of modesty. Certainly their guilt is greater to the degree that they are more knowledgeable. Further, adults who have received their endowments wear a reminder from the temple that the body is a temple, too, for both are sacred sanctuaries of the spirit. The Lord has provided the Saints a powerful shield and protection against immodest dress.”

I also like to think of it like this:

Imagine the outside of any LDS Temple that you have been to. What does it look like? What surrounds it? What colors are present? What messages does it send? How are the people dressed who are going in or out? Now imagine the outside of any Casino in Las Vegas and ask yourself the same questions. While both buildings have very inviting atmospheres, there are key differences. The temple invites eternal happiness, while Las Vegas Casinos invite the possibility of temporary happiness that requires a huge amount of risk. Which type of invitation do you want to present in your countenance? When we know and believe that our bodies our temples, it becomes easier to dress our bodies like temples.

And lastly, when we dress modestly we glorify God and respect Him. Our Heavenly Father is the one who has asked us to dress modestly: “let all thy garments be plain, and their beauty the beauty of the work of thine own hands;” (D&C 42:40) that is just one of MANY references. Since He is the creator of our bodies, and they are gifts from him, isn’t it respectful to treat and care for our bodies the way that He has asked us to?

The April 2014 Ensign article on modesty quotes 1 Corinthians 6:20 by saying that when we dress modestly we “seek to glorify God in your body and in your spirit.” (pg. 10) The authors also said: “In the way we clothe and present ourselves, we communicate our respect for God, for ourselves, and for others.” (pg. 12)

I believe that all of the reasons listed before this one add up to respecting and glorifying God. When we dress modestly we help keep thoughts clean and pure, we help ourselves and others stay comfortable, we outwardly show our commitment to not only live the gospel, but to share it. When we dress modestly we show our knowledge that our bodies are gifts from God, that are bodies are temples and should be treated as such. When our modesty shows these things, we glorify God, who is our Father. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, we represent Christ at all times. Dressing ourselves in a way that represents and glorifies Him is the best way to represent Him correctly.

So, what do you think? What is modesty to you? Why is modestly important to you? What messages do you think modesty sends? Post your answers in the comments if you wish! At least write it down for your own private use. And when you are done writing it down, live it and teach it.

Making Visiting Teaching More Personal

I am 23 years old as I type this, so I have had visiting teachers and have been a visiting teacher for only five years – and it still feels pretty new to me.  But I believe that I have learned a lot over the past five years, and I feel like I am a better visiting teacher than I was when I was at 18.  I want to share my experiences of being a visiting teacher and being visit taught, because I now have a testimony of visiting teaching, and hopefully something I say can help someone who is struggling with visiting teaching – not just struggling to go, but maybe needs some ideas on how to reach out to the sisters your visit or your companion.

When I was 18, my first companion was my mom’s age and made the appointments and gave the messages.  I was extremely grateful for this at the time because I had no idea what I was doing, and I didn’t even go with her half the time.  I was uncomfortable and didn’t like going.  Looking back my companion was so sweet to put up with me!  When I graduated from high school I switched over to a single’s ward I went visiting teaching twice during the year that I was there.

With getting married I went back into a family ward (not the same one), and something just clicked: I was determined to be a consistent visiting teacher.  I think what caused it was in my single’s ward my home teachers visited me every month, and that eventually encouraged me to be better.  So as soon as I knew my assignment I called my companion and set up a system to get us to visit teach every month.  Our visits were usually quick; we chatted for a bit and then shared a brief message.  It was very robotic and all about getting 100% each month.  I know that is what visiting teaching is NOT, but I think that is how it starts; because before you can gain a testimony of visiting teaching and become more personable, you need to just simply go and include the basics: set up appointments, go, give a message.  Then as time passes you will get to know your sisters and hopefully grow to love them, and THEN your messages and types of visits can and will turn more personal.

For me it took two years to learn that.  Shortly after my husband and I moved into our first family ward, we got called into the Nursery.  Because of that, my only connection to Relief Society was through my visiting teachers and my companion (the sisters I visit taught also had primary callings).  I grew to love and appreciate my visiting teachers coming over to visit me, and I loved going visiting teaching!  I loved talking to the sisters assigned to me, and I feel like I learned more from them than they did from me.

Of course, not everything was perfect, but we are meant to learn from these experiences.  One month I made the appointments and let my companion know when they were.  One of them was scheduled on a Thursday night, my companion asked me to pick her up from the Church for that appointment.  When I picked her up I realized that I had picked her up from our ward’s Relief Society activity – and it was still going on!  I felt really bad.  Being in the Nursery had kept me out of the loop when it came to the Relief Society calendar, and neither of my visiting teachers nor my companion had filled me in on the goings on of Relief Society.  Even though at the time I wasn’t interested in going to the activities, I would never intentionally take others away from them.

When my husband and I moved into our second ward, the Relief Society president invited me over to her house so that she could get to know me.  When the conversation turned to visiting teaching she told me that she wanted the women in this ward to visit their sisters the way they wanted to be visited.  She gave the example of a lady in the ward who liked her visiting teachers to visit her while they went on a walk instead of sitting on the couches in her living room.  Hearing that reminded me of the kind of visiting teacher my mom is.  She has visited a sister for years who is not active, and does not want my mom to come in and give her a message.  Instead my mom brings by treats with a card.  It has gotten to the point where if this lady is home she will talk to my mom out on her porch.  Since this conversation that I had with my past Relief Society President I have tried to be that kind of visiting teacher; where I focus on what my sisters want and need.  Sometimes they don’t ask you directly to do something, but you can use the spirit to learn and figure it out, and when you do it the joy in their face is great.

Also in the second ward I was in, I had one the most steadfast visiting teachers I have had yet.  Her companion only came with her once, but she visited me 2-3 times a month, not just once a month.  I’m not saying that every visiting teacher needs to do that, but it was what I needed at the time.  I was pregnant and taking a break from work and school; and it felt like at some of my most lonely times that I would hear a knock on my door and there she would be!  Even though her companion never accompanied her on those visits, she did call me at least once a month to check up on me and both made me dinner shortly after my son was born.  They were really good examples to me of following the spirit to help me out and meet my needs.

The current ward I am in now I do not have a calling, and so I get to attend Relief Society.  My first companion and the sisters we visited all had callings in the Primary.  Having been in their shoes before, I wanted to make sure that they still felt like they were apart of Relief Society.  So, I always brought them a copy of the newsletter and anything else passed out in Relief Society.  I also always let them know when the Relief Society activities were coming up, and offered them rides to them if they wanted to come with me.  None of them ever took me up on that offer, but they did always give appreciation for the invites.

I am now on a new companion and a new set of sisters, and I hope that I can learn their wants and needs and fulfill them and become a friend to them.

I now want to summarize what I have learned into some basic pointers about visiting teaching:

·      Start with the Basics – set up appointments, go to them, share messages.  As you do these things start to get to know your companion and the sisters you visit.

·      Learn about and meet needs – As you get to know the sisters you visit use direct communication and promptings of the spirit to figure out and then meet their needs.  These needs can be common needs like the type of visits they want, or they can be temporary like bringing meals when babies are born.

·      Don’t forget about your companion! – Even though your companion is there to serve these sisters with you, you two can and should also serve each other.  My last companion had a calling in the Nursery while I didn’t have a calling, so I always brought her stuff from Relief Society so she could know what was going on and feel included.

·      Be a visiting teacher more than once a month – Along with monthly visits reach out to your sisters in other times and places.  Say hi at Church, sit next to them in Sunday School or Relief Society, call them, invite them to do something with you… the possibilities are endless!

·      Be a friend – all of the things listed above can help lead you to becoming their friend.

Here is a link to more information on visiting teaching on the Church’s website: https://www.lds.org/callings/relief-society/visiting-teaching-training/purpose-is-to-minister?lang=eng

Now it’s your turn!  What have you learned from being a visiting teacher or being visit taught?  What makes your visiting teachers good for you?  What makes you and your companion good for the sisters you visit?  Men, don’t feel left out!  A lot of this can apply to home teaching as well. J  You can answer these questions by commenting if you like; or if they are too personal at least write them down in your journal or type them on your computer so that you have them for your own reference.  Either way I invite you to answer these questions in some way.

One final thought: Last week’s General Women’s meeting was all about unity among women in the Church.  I believe that visiting teaching is one way to reach that unity.