Pay It Forward: To Your Kids

I am guessing that most of you are familiar with the term, “Pay it forward.”  When someone does something nice for you, instead of repaying them, they tell you to “pay it forward.”  Then you do something nice for someone else and tell them the same thing.  I want to take this concept and apply it in a different direction.

A couple years ago my dad taught me to apply this concept to my future kids.  My husband and I fell into the “poor-starving-college-students” category and didn’t have the money to fix the alignment on our car.  My dad paid for it and when I asked him what kind of payment plan he wanted to make he said, “I’m not going to put you in the poor house just so you can fix your car.  Pay it forward to your kids.”  I soon realized that he didn’t just mean that for situations like this.  He meant that every way that he and my mom had taken care of me, he wanted me to give to my children.

Let me give you some examples:

Extra Curricular Activities – As a kid I did dance, gymnastics, played soccer and took piano lessons.  My parents paid for all of them.  Not only did they pay, but they let me chose what I wanted to do (which is why I did so much, I wanted to try it all).   As I got older and focused on dance, it got more expensive.  My parents still paid for it, but only certain amounts: required team fees, competition fees, one costume a year, and one private lesson a week.  Anything extra – which was usually extra lessons – I paid for.  The older I got, the more I paid for.  But my parents still helped me when I needed it.  My mom also attended every single competition and performance and filmed them, and my dad came when his work schedule allowed.  My senior year in High School the job I worked at went out of business, and I was jobless for four months.  My parents paid for more than usual during those four months.

Cars – My junior year in High School I signed up for early morning seminary so that I could take more academic and dance classes.  After a week of driving me to seminary at 6:00 in the morning, my dad decided I needed my own car.  So we went shopping and got me a 2001 Volks Wagon Passat.  At first my dad was planning on having me slowly pay him back, but he later changed his mind and said that he hoped that I would do the same for my kids (if I am in a financial situation to do so).  However I still had to pay for gas and any repairs and new tires.  So I still learned responsibility by making sure that I always had enough money for gas and emergencies.

College – Although I applied, I did not receive any scholarships or federal financial aid for college.  So my parents paid for tuition and I paid for my books.  When I got married they stopped paying for tuition, which was fine.  At that point I did qualify for financial aid.  My parents also let me choose which college I went to.  They didn’t try to convince me to move out or stay at home.  And when I chose to stay at home they didn’t charge me rent.

Travel – When I was 11, I got invited to join a two-week study abroad trip to Europe.  It was very expensive, and we couldn’t afford to send me that year.  Upon learning that the invitation was for more than that year, my parents made a deal with me that when I had saved up half of the cost they would pay the other half and send me the year that I had enough money.  Three years later I had saved enough babysitting money to pay half, and at 14 years old I went to New Zealand and Australia (that was where the group was going that year).

Choices - Besides monetary support, my parents usually supported my choices.  They supported my choice to quit the French Horn so that I could focus on dance.  They supported my choice to become a competitive dancer, not just a performer.  They supported my choice to take AP and IB classes, and when homework for those classes caused late nights, my mom stayed up with me and wouldn’t go to bed until I did.  And they supported me when I chose to get married at 19 years old.  Some of my choices they didn’t agree with, but they still allowed me to make and helped me learn from the consequences.  For example, one time I was dating a guy that they really didn’t approve of; so the rules about when, where and how I could see him were stricter than with my other friends.  Another time, I had several articles of clothing that were not modest, but I chose to wear them anyway.  My mom couldn’t make me change into something else, but she did voice her wish that I would find a way to make them modest or not wear them at all.  So her words would stay in my mind the rest of the day.

My husband and I want to do something similar for our son and other kids that we may have.  We want to find a balance between supporting them and teaching them responsibility and independence.  We haven’t decided on anything final (granted our son is only 10 months old), but we are already thinking about it.  Whatever we end up doing for our kids, we want to teach them to do at least the same, if not better for their kids.

I would like to emphasize that this is not the only way to parent.  This is simply what worked for my family.  What did your parents do that you want to pay forward to your own kids?  If your kids are already grown up it’s not too late, just what you pay forward will apply to where they are in life.  You can also give to your grandchildren as well.  And if you don’t have kids, but have nieces and nephews you can pay forward things that are appropriate as their aunt or uncle.  Either way, write down what you want to pay forward and apply it when it is time.  Of course you can still "Pay it forward" when it comes to helping out neighbors, friends and strangers.  This is just one way that we can help out future generations.