Overcoming Judgment From Others

About a year and a half ago I wrote a post about judging others. But what about when you are on the other side of judging? When you are the one being judged? It doesn’t feel good, and I have learned that how I respond to that judgment is connected to my confidence and happiness in myself and how I treat the person who judged me. I have also learned that many times I only feel that I’m being judged; when in reality I’m not being judged at all.

When I respond negatively I end up being super angry for a while and it affects me getting anything done. If I know the person I don’t talk to them for a long time and have a hard time being nice if I have to see them before I’m over it. If I don’t know them, I make terrible assumptions about them, which is me judging them; the exact thing I’m upset at them for doing! When I respond positively I am able to shrug it off and move on with my day. I still often times need a break from that person, but I get over the issue much faster.

Of course this is easier said than done, and I’m still working on it; but I have made good progress recently and now have a lot more self-confidence. There are three main types of judgement that I have come across and have learned to deal with: 1. Verbal comments and questions 2. Facial expressions 3. Comments on social media.

Verbal Comments and Questions

These generally take place with people I know and am conversing with, but can occasionally happen with strangers when I am out and about. I have been the recipient of a judgmental comment only once (that I can remember). I talked about it in my last post about judging. My son was crying at the grocery store and as I picked him up to quiet him I said, “Good gracious child.” A woman who heard me looked at me and said, “He just wants to be held.” I was super embarrassed and super angry. In fact, that incident happened over a year ago and it still irks me when I think about it.

I think that verbal comments are the hardest to get over because they are so matter-of-fact and obvious. What usually helps me is reminding myself that I alone know the extent of the situation I am being judged for. In this example: the amount of time my son spends crying is a lot less than the amount of time he spends smiling, laughing and playing. I also tell myself that it is ok for me to get frustrated, and just because someone else witnessed that frustration does not make me a bad mom. Also, talking with someone who can make me feel better like my husband or mom helps as well.

Questions are rarely meant to be judgmental, but it’s very easy to take them that way. And the difficult thing about questions is that what will offend one person, will not offend another. It depends on their personality and what situation they are currently in. For example, my husband is a very private person while I am more open. Sometimes he’ll hear me ask friends or family a question that he thinks is too personal or someone will ask us a questions that he thinks is too personal. And it’s ok for him to feel that way. It’s also ok for me to be more open.

Our current situations can also determine how we feel about specific questions. I have never had a problem with people asking me questions about my labor to give birth to my son. I love telling his birth story and don’t feel judged by any of the elements of that story. On the other hand, I hated it when people saw me feeding him a bottle and asked, “Do you also breastfeed?” I always told them yes, even though it wasn’t true, but I was so embarrassed that I was unable to nurse my son and I didn’t want people to think I was a failure (I of course know now that I am not a failure). Since then I have come across several articles like “Top 10 things never to say to: gays/someone who has depression/returned missionaries/single people/new moms…” (you get the picture). The one thing all of those lists have in common is “Don’t ask questions” or “Don’t ask the wrong questions.”

So am I supposed to expect people to never ask questions? Of course not! That’s how they get to know me. Or maybe they want to understand my situation so that they can know how to support and uplift me. Of course it is ok to hope that people think before they speak. And knowing how I feel about certain questions, I should try think about how a question will sound before I ask it.

I truly believe that in most cases when people ask questions they are simply curious without the intent to judge. And I think that is ok. So when someone asks me a question that makes me raise my eyebrow, I remind myself that they are just curious, nothing more. And if you don’t want to answer it, you can tell them that is personal or you don’t want to talk about it. I’m pretty sure most people will understand. And I try my best to not let the question continue to bother me when the conversation is over.

Facial Expressions

This also occurs in a social setting, and you do or say something and notice one or more people giving you that look. That judgmental look that makes you feel all hot and embarrassed, and your cheeks turn red, and you stumble on what to do or say next. For me those looks happen when my son is acting out at Church, the store, a restaurant, etc. I usually get super stressed, which rubs off on my son and makes the situation worse. How can I calm him if I myself am not calm? But I had no idea how to combat the stress. So I usually abandoned whatever event I was at, or finished it with a blazing red face.

One day after a particularly difficult Sacrament Meeting, an older gentleman came up to chat with us. During the conversation he said smiling at Benjamin, “There is no judgment here. We have all been in your shoes. We completely understand.” His comment encouraged me and made me determined to not care about the looks from others. In fact, I see judgmental looks less and less since this kind man’s comment. And it makes me wonder if I imagined most of them in the first place. It was all in my head. Every once in a while I will get a real judgmental look from someone, but it makes me say in my head, “Bring it on. Watch me be a good mother.” I can confidently say that I am 100% over judgmental looks. They honestly do not bother me anymore. They are that person’s issue, not mine.

Comments on Social Media

These tend to bother me the most. Which is quite ridiculous because they are almost always from strangers and rarely directed right at me. The thing about the internet is that it has given so many people the ability to be bold and blunt, and they type things to complete strangers – and sometimes even people they know – that they would never say to someone’s face.

The difficult thing with online comments is that we really cannot tell what kind of tone the commentator is using. Yes we try to get our tone across by using exclamation points, capitalizing words, emoticons, and acronyms like lol and smh. But misconceptions can still happen. I once got into an argument on a comment thread and I ended up accusing a complete stranger of accusing me of breaking my temple covenants. Luckily we were both willing to calm down and talk it out, and now we are fine. I follow her writing (she is a blogger as well), and I have come to understand her writing style and have never become offended by anything she has said since.

Still, there are comments that are not misconceived, but truly are judgmental. One time a complete stranger called me a “delusional religionist.” I told him that he was entitled to his opinion, but it didn’t change anything for me and left the conversation. The thing that gets me through those kind of comments is knowing that those people only know me by the 3 or 4 sentences I have written on that comment thread, so their judgment of me is completely invalid. I try very hard to not allow it to affect me. And in many cases like these I use to Spirit to Guide me on what is best: to reply or to leave the conversation. I am usually prompted to leave the conversation.

The hardest for me when it comes to social media is when a friend posts a status or shares an article where the negative aspect matches a characteristic, habit, or belief of mine. It makes me feel like they would think I was a bad person if they knew that aspect about my life. It makes me want to comment and defend myself! But I never do because I don’t want to cause an argument.

One time I shared an article that ended up making someone feel like I was judging them. They commented disagreeing with the article and defending themselves. I tried to make them feel better while still holding to the article because I still agreed with it. The conversation was a failure and I stopped commenting. I was really perplexed how they could take it so personally. I hadn’t tagged them in my post. I hadn’t posted it to their wall. I had simply shared an article, saying that I liked it. And yet, I feel the same when someone posts an article that offends me.

Having now experienced being the offender, I realized that when my friends post something I don’t like, they are not out to get me. They aren’t thinking, “I hope Chelsey reads this, the sinner!” I still struggle with this one, but I’m starting to remind myself that they are not directing those thoughts at me, nor are they judging me. And in many cases I can understand and respect their point of view while still holding true to mine. This is another time where I try to use the Holy Ghost to guide me. If the title of the article, or what my friend said about the article makes me feel uneasy, I don’t read it. I then get to escape whatever negative feelings would have come from reading that article.

Feeling Judged, but not Actually Being Judged

The biggest thing I have come to realize while overcoming judgment: I feel judged way more often than I am actually judged. I’m going to go back to the breastfeeding example. I spent the first 9 months of my son’s life thinking that my friends and family were judging me for not being able to breastfeed. When I learned that my mother-in-law hadn’t breastfed any of her children I felt a lot better. I looked back and realized that no one had said a single judgmental thing. I was judging myself and assumed that others were doing the same. And so now when I am feeling judged I take a step back and reassess the situation. Am I truly being judged or is it in my head? If I am being judged (which is rare), how should I react in order to make the situation better and not worse? I have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn’t actually say something to me, then they are not judging me. And if they are judging me on the inside, it’s their problem not mine. Their thoughts cannot hurt me. I’m still working on all of this, but it has helped me become a lot more confident in who I am.

In the end there is only one judge who truly matters: Jesus Christ. As my relationship with Him deepens, I have an easier time determining when I am making a good choice or a poor choice. Sometimes I make a poor choice before I figure out it was a poor choice, but that is where the Atonement comes in and I can repent and move forward. I know that Jesus Christ loves me and that the little details of how I take care of my son do not matter as long as I am teaching my son to be a disciple of Christ and follow Him.