My Mighty Change of Heart: My Journey to Accepting My Brother's Sexuality

Most of you know that I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Many of you also know that my brother, Michael, is gay. Unfortunately, some of my responses have not been best, but my heart has recently changed; and I say better late than never.

Michael came out to me privately on December 30, 2013, and he came out publicly on January 2, 2014. I struggled for the first few years. I never stopped loving Michael, I never looked down on him, and I never viewed him as lesser. But I did feel sad for him, and I felt sad watching him go on a rollercoaster trying to figure out where he fit in in the world and in the Church. I struggled and felt conflicted with what and how I wanted to teach my children about Michael's sexuality while remaining steadfast in the gospel. And I struggled with how to navigate my testimony of the doctrine on the family, and how to best support Michael. Do I allow my children to meet his partner(s)? If Michael gets married, do I attend his wedding?

I also felt hurt and angry that my parents had known for years and I had been kept out of that knowledge until 3 days before Michael told everyone else. Michael and I are the only children our parents have, and I am the older sibling. If I had been the younger sibling I could understand not telling me. If we had more siblings I could also understand not telling me. But I was literally the only person in my house who did not know. I did know something was going on. I knew private conversations were happening. And it hurt that it was kept from me. In the past six months Michael and I have been able to heal from those years of secrecy, and we are fine now.

In the beginning, I encouraged Michael to find a woman who he could be best friends with and marry as a best friend. I encouraged this because I thought that was what he wanted, and early on that is what Michael communicated to me that he thought he wanted that. When he changed his mind, it took me longer to get on board. I just wanted Michael to find a way to be happy living the gospel the way I was living it. I wasn't trying to be harmful, everything came from a place of love.

I started to see some cracks in my thoughts - and people who share the same thoughts - when one of Michael's singles ward bishops tried to put Michael through a disciplinary council, and possible excommunication. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because it's not my story to tell. Michael's stake president put a stop to it and said no, that Michael did not need to be put before a disciplinary council. It broke my heart to hear that someone viewed my little brother like that.

I also started to question if I was going about this correctly when I heard some people say, "I don't go to family events if my gay cousin is there with their partner because I don't want my children to see that." My passive, non contentious side said nothing, but on the inside I was screaming, "When it's your sibling or your child it is so different! If I did that, I would never see my brother."

I also can't support attitudes that believe we need to be constantly preaching against LGBT lifestyles. Believe me, they know the Church's teachings. They don't need weekly reminders. I'm not going to lecture Michael every time he goes on a date. We all need to get to the point where we step back and respect individual agency. If the family is the most important aspect of the gospel, then contention due to the exercise of agency is not going to help with a loving family atmosphere.

My dad has been inactive for 14 years. A few years ago I told my mom how angry I was at dad. My mom told me that if I'm angry instead of loving, how will my dad ever view the Church positively? Michael is the same. How is he supposed to feel loved by members of the Church, if all we do is lecture him on his lifestyle?

In addition to all of this, I'm not going to criticize the leaders of the Church. I'm not going to demand changes to doctrine. I still have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ and his gospel. There are some things I don't understand. I still have struggles with certain topics and information. But I have faith that answers will come. I have faith that everything will eventually work out. And I have faith that following the prophets, even amongst human mistakes, will bring blessings.

In the past year I have received several personal revelations on how to improve my relationship with Michael. I have told Michael that he is welcome to talk to me about men that he is seeing. I have told him that we will welcome anyone he might want to bring to family dinner. So far we haven't met anyone yet, but the openness is there.

Recently, Heavenly Father has prepared me ahead of time for certain announcements and statements made by Church leaders. Thoughts and inspiration will come to me and then not too long after, something will be said that matches my personal revelation. This recently happened with the updated baptism and apostasy policies.

A few weeks ago while questioning - for the umpteenth time - if it would be okay to attend Michael's possible future wedding, I received the inspiration to view gay marriage the way I view a member to a non-member marriage. My sister-in-law married a man who is not a member of the Church, and we love and accept him. I can view Michael's potential spouses the same.

Then, the first Presidency announced:

"At the direction of the First Presidency, President Oaks shared that effective immediately, children of parents who identify themselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender may be baptized without First Presidency approval if the custodial parents give permission for the baptism and understand both the doctrine that a baptized child will be taught and the covenants he or she will be expected to make.

A nonmember parent or parents (including LGBT parents) can request that their baby be blessed by a worthy Melchizedek Priesthood holder. These parents need to understand that congregation members will contact them periodically, and that when the child who has been blessed reaches 8 years of age, a Church member will contact them and propose that the child be baptized.

Previously, our Handbook characterized same-gender marriage by a member as apostasy. While we still consider such a marriage to be a serious transgression, it will not be treated as apostasy for purposes of Church discipline. Instead, the immoral conduct in heterosexual or homosexual relationships will be treated in the same way.

The very positive policies announced this morning should help affected families. In addition, our members’ efforts to show more understanding, compassion and love should increase respect and understanding among all people of goodwill. We want to reduce the hate and contention so common today. We are optimistic that a majority of people — whatever their beliefs and orientations — long for better understanding and less contentious communications. That is surely our desire, and we seek the help of our members and others to attain it."

I believe that my personal inspiration matches what was announced at the leadership conference. I'm not trying to say that I receive revelation for the Church. But I very strongly believe that God does speak to me, and the changes I have made to help my brother feel more loved and welcome were inspired by God.

A few years ago Elder Uchtdorf said,

"That Day of Judgment will be a day of mercy and love—a day when broken hearts are healed, when tears of grief are replaced with tears of gratitude, when all will be made right.

Yes, there will be deep sorrow because of sin. Yes, there will be regrets and even anguish because of our mistakes, our foolishness, and our stubbornness that caused us to miss opportunities for a much greater future.

But I have confidence that we will not only be satisfied with the judgment of God; we will also be astonished and overwhelmed by His infinite grace, mercy, generosity, and love for us, His children. If our desires and works are good, if we have faith in a living God, then we can look forward to what Moroni called “the pleasing bar of the great Jehovah, the Eternal Judge.”

This quote has helped give me peace for my family being less than perfect in our religious circumstances. It allows me to step back and breathe. It has helped me respect the agency of others, while still living my beliefs. My family is sealed together, and everything will work out for us. I don't know exactly how things will work out, I simply have faith that they will.

I know now that I can share my testimony while giving Michael room to breathe and figure things out for himself. I need to respect his agency. But I also don't regret many of the things I have said and thought because I can't change the past and it was part of my learning and growing. Some things I have apologized to Michael for, and that's between us, and our relationship is strong and loving.

I'm sure some of you are feeling appalled at some of the things you have read in this post. Why couldn't I have just supported him right away? Because I am human, and therefore am imperfect. I have imperfect human emotions and feelings, and I am allowed the time to navigate them and figure it out for myself.  I think it's extremely hypocritical to try to encourage change and when someone does to fire back with "You should have never thought that in the first place! Too little, too late!" It's more important that I got here eventually, than getting her perfectly. And I would appreciate my past not being held against me.

On the reverse side, I am not breaking temple covenants, ignoring the doctrine, nor encouraging sin. I am loving my brother the way that I have been inspired to love him. I still believe the Church is true. I believe the leaders are chosen by God. And I believe in personal revelation.

Because I believe in personal revelation, I don't think that what I have shared is a one-size-fits-all solution to this complex topic. Other families may receive different answers, and that's fine. I just wanted to publicly share my love and support for my brother Michael.