Home With My Kids is My Promised Land

Before either Gerson or I graduated from BYU, and before we had kids, we didn’t know what the future held when it came to me working or staying home. We thought it would be ideal if I could stay home during our children’s younger years, but I was fully ready to work the minute I graduated. During Gerson’s last semester at BYU he found a paid internship, and when he graduated they offered him a full time position! Shortly after that it became apparent that we did not need me to work, but for the time being I would because we didn’t have kids yet.

When I got pregnant with Benjamin I struggled to work because I was so sick, and when school started again it made everything more difficult. So I quit my job at Dressed In White in order to focus on school and my pregnancy. I left without hard feelings, and knew if I needed to I could return there. Luckily that was not needed, and I graduated with my teaching degree and ready to be a SAHM.

We didn’t announce our decision for me to stay home, but if peopled asked we told them. Living in a predominately LDS area, we received an overwhelming amount of praise and support. I only received two negative comments, and even though it was only two negative out of dozens of positive, for some reason they have stuck with me.

The first instance happened while I was still in school. A classmate and I were discussing the future and when I told her my plans to stay home after graduation she asked, “Then why are you even finishing school?” I told her that I would eventually work when my kids were older, and it made a good plan B if something happened. She still gave me a skeptical look and the conversation died.

I think it is incredibly important that I have a college degree. Should something happen where Gerson alone cannot financially provide for our family, I can work. True, the starting salary for a first year teacher is not high, but it provides better opportunities than working hourly in retail or fast food. Also, when I teach my children the importance of an education, they have both their father’s and mother’s example to look to. And when my children are older, I will work. It’s better that I have my education now. Also, we have been commanded to learn as much as possible.

I can’t imagine a better education for me than what I got at BYU. As an LDS school my professors applied their content to the gospel. I really hope my children value education. Gerson and I like to tell them things like, “Being a nerd is good.”

My second experience happened shortly after graduation. I ran into an old classmate and I was pregnant with Luna. My classmate had a job in her area of study and was enjoying it. When I told her that I would be staying home now and planned to work later she smirked and said, “Well, good luck with that.”

I know that my chances of landing a full time teaching job after years of not teaching are slim. That is okay. I am willing to start out as a substitute or a teacher’s aid before I get my own classroom. My mom did something very similar when she went back to work. She started as the recess lady and a reading tutor, now she runs the Low Reinforcement Room (fancy word for detention and In School Suspension).

Why did these two experiences affect me so much? I’m not friends with either of those people; in fact, I can’t even remember one of their names. As mothers, we strive to make the best choices for our families. We easily frustrate ourselves with trying to be perfect; and so we focus on the very few negative responses instead of remembering the unlimited positive ones. We subconsciously become our biggest bully.

So why do I stay home with my kids?

I stay home with my kids because it is what is best for my family. My kids need me during the day, and I need them. Gerson needs me functioning at night (when I did my student teaching I pretty much did nothing other than lesson prep). I also need “me time”. I can’t have “me time” if I’m working all day and then cooking, cleaning and doing lesson preps all night. Without any guilt I admit that I love having quiet time all to myself when my kids take naps during the day and after bedtime at night.

I stay home with my kids because I am their teacher. Benjamin says more words and fuller sentences each week. I’m there to teach him those new words. I love witnessing his development. I teach him how to interact with Luna, and get rewarded when I witness him apply it. For example, one time Benjamin was playing with his toy train and Luna reached for it. I silently watched to see how Benjamin would respond, he tried to hand it to her and said, “Here go baby.” He looked confused when she didn’t take it from him so I told him that she wasn’t strong enough to hold it, but if he played with it close by her she could touch it. So he pushed his train back and forth from him to Luna so that they could both touch it. A few days later he put a toy car next to Luna and said, “Look Mama, baby play with car!”

I stay home with my kids because it’s my way of bonding with them. Luna is exclusively breastfed, and she is a total mama’s girl. It has been a meaningful experience for Benjamin too as he has learned how babies eat. Benjamin also spends every waking moment talking to me. He asks me to read to him. We sing and dance. And sometimes both kids are sitting on my lap. It’s not always easy. I have to discipline him several times a day. But every once in a while he shows that he is progressing in learning how to be obedient, or remembering what is a “no-no”. Watching Benjamin progress gives me hope that I’m doing a good job.

I stay at home with my kids because it’s what I want. I chose this. I want to be home with my kids. I love being home with my kids. It’s not always perfect, and I’m not always happy; but the majority of the time things are good. Every time I stop and think about it, I’m glad I made this choice.

I know I’m preaching to the choir here. There are hundreds of other blogs about how awesome it is to be a SAHM. I’m not saying anything new. But I needed to write this for myself, to remind myself that it’s okay that I chose to stay home. Because every once in a while I get down on myself for not working yet. I mistakenly think that I’m wasting my degree and money spent getting that degree by not working right now. But that is not true. I can use what I learned in school with my kids and possible future callings in Church. One day, I will use my degree in my own classroom; but for now, I’m going to enjoy being home with my kids.

I want to end with a thought that can apply to any situation, but that I personally applied to motherhood as that was on my mind when I read it:

“We should remember that to explore does not mean to inhabit, embrace or adopt. It simply means, ‘to examine something carefully, investigate, to travel to an unknown region.’ ‘To explore’ may mean we need to discover some new things to give ourselves a different perspective or examine new horizons. And it may also mean that when we explore new territory, we too may have to go through our own wilderness before we get to our Promised Land.” – Professor Brent A. Barstow, PhD (Caleb’s Creed, pg. 28-29)

I have explored motherhood as a college student, a “working mom” during student teaching, and now as a SAHM. In staying home with my kids I have found my Promised Land.

Welcome Luna Mae!

As you already know, my daughter Luna was born this past September. I want to share my pregnancy and her birth story. I hadn’t created this blog yet when Benjamin was born, so I’m also going to share my experiences with him by comparing the two. J

I found out on New Year’s day (January 1^st) 2015 that I was pregnant. I took two tests four hours apart to make sure. I ran into the bedroom and told Gerson, he jumped out of bed and gave me a hug. We were so happy, we couldn’t stop smiling and looking at the two positive tests. When Benjamin woke up we went into his room together and I said, “Benjamin guess what? You are going to be a big brother!” He clapped his hands and said, “Yay!” I don’t think he actually understood what we said, but it was a great way to begin 2015.

When I saw that positive on the pregnancy test I immediately had a feeling that the very tiny baby growing inside of me was a girl. When I got that feeling, I knew that it was right because I had been right about Benjamin as well. When I heard Benjamin’s heartbeat for the first time at my 12 week appointment, I knew he was a boy. Gerson and I had already picked the name Luna for our first girl, so I started calling her Luna from the moment I knew I was pregnant. Also, when we discussed boy names – just in case – we couldn’t agree on any. I felt that was another clue that we were having a girl.

The doctor was an hour behind schedule during my 8 week appointment. So to make up for making us wait so long, she gave us a free ultrasound! (8 week ultrasounds are not standard in my doctor’s office.) We got to see Luna’s heartbeat on the screen and watch her tiny body wiggle a little bit. It was so amazing to see my baby even though I wasn’t showing yet.

I was very sick for the first six months of my pregnancy with Benjamin. I threw up at least once a day, and constantly felt ill and weak. I was worried that the same thing would happen during my pregnancy with Luna; especially because I would be student teaching for the first three and a half months. I was very lucky that I had a much easier first and second trimester with Luna than I did with Benjamin. I still had stomach discomfort, but I was able to endure it while I taught 7^th graders and I only had to ask my mentor teacher to take over once while I ran to the bathroom. Old wives’ tales say that the fact I was carrying a girl explained my easier pregnancy. I also believe that I had divine help, because I had divine help with Benjamin as well. When I was pregnant with Benjamin I had an 8 am class that I was never late to, even on mornings where I was really sick, I somehow made it out the door and arrived to class on time (I had never done that with previous 8 am classes).

We bought Benjamin a T-shirt that said, “Big Brother” and posted a picture of him wearing it to announce my pregnancy. After my 20 week ultrasound confirmed that Luna was a girl we bought Benjamin some pink balloons. He loved playing with them. Around this time Benjamin had learned to point to my belly and say, “Baby.”

At 21 weeks I felt Benjamin kick for the first time, and at 16 weeks I felt Luna! I asked my doctor if what I felt was real or if it was a phantom kick or something else. He said that yes I really did feel Luna, that it is common to feel baby’s movement earlier in second pregnancies than in first. Benjamin was a lot more active. After that first kick, he moved ALL THE TIME. He would go crazy when Gerson would put his hand on my belly, and during my third trimester he would move all over from 1-3 am almost every night; which would keep me awake. Luna was quite different. She moved enough that I knew she was still alive, but she never kept me up at night nor would she move just because Gerson placed his hand on my belly. She would, however, kick the Fetal Doppler at every appointment while they were trying to listen to her heartbeat. And during my ultrasound she would kick at the sensor and the screen would go crazy trying to find her again. She did not like to be bothered, but now that she is here, she loves being bothered. These two different experiences with their movements verified to me that babies truly have their own personalities long before birth; there is a soul inside those bodies inside the womb.

In June (6 months pregnant), Gerson, Benjamin, and I visited Gerson’s family in California for a week. My mother and sisters-in-law threw me a surprise baby shower! I was pleasantly surprised at how many people from their ward and neighborhood came. Most of them I had never met, and yet they came to support my family. I was incredibly grateful for their presence and the beautiful clothes and blankets they gave us. Most of Luna’s clothes are from my California baby shower. J

As my due date got closer I became concerned about how things would go at the hospital because my experience with Benjamin was not that great. I had contractions for 40 hours before the hospital would admit me; and even after giving me Pitocin it was still another 20 hours before Benjamin was born. I expressed my concerns to my doctor and she said that they are much more sympathetic towards second time moms and that won’t happen again. (In case you’ve noticed that my doctor keeps changing genders, it’s because the office I go to likes women to see all the doctors in the office if possible, that way we have a higher chance of knowing whoever is on call at the hospital when we give birth.)

At my 39 week appointment my doctor said that I and Luna were where we should be, that I could be induced that week if I would like to. Up until that moment I absolutely did not want to get induced unless medically necessary, but the thought came to my mind, “They can’t send you home if you get induced.” Gerson and I did some quick “silent communicating” and said yes we would like that. We picked the upcoming Friday (5 days before my due date) and were told that the hospital would call the day before to tell us what time to come in.

Gerson was a little nervous about me getting induced, so we researched it over the next couple days and by the time the hospital called on Thursday felt comfortable and even anticipated it. We worked things out with my mom to care for Benjamin while we were in the hospital – which he loved; three day two night stay at Grandma’s? Best weekend of his life. On Friday September 4, 2015 Luna Mae was born six hours after I was induced. If was so wonderful. I slept through most of my labor, and actually had energy to push.

Luna was placed on my chest right away (that didn’t happen with Benjamin because there were complications and he needed to be checked out). I got to snuggle with her and feed her for two hours before they moved me and her. The nice thing about the Timpanogos Hospital is that they do all of the washing and testing right there in the delivery room, Luna didn’t leave my sight until her hearing test much later.

My parents brought Benjamin by that night. Benjamin did not want to go near her, instead he wanted to run around the room and turn on and off all the lights and open the doors and press buttons. When they left Benjamin did say, “Bye Baby.” On their second visit Benjamin climbed up on my bed and looked at Luna.

On Sunday September 7^th Luna and I were discharged. We put Benjamin and Luna in their car seats in the back seat, and as we drove away a feeling of completeness came over us. I told Gerson that taking Luna home made our family feel more complete, and he said that he was thinking the same thing. I am so grateful she came to our family. I look at both of my kids as miracles, and often have moments of being in awe that I am the mother of such beautiful souls. They really are my pride and joy, and I love them so much.

2016 Resolutions

We all make resolutions each new year to better ourselves in some way. In the past I've thought of some, but I've never actually picked specific goals and focused on them. Last month's issue of the Ensign had an article titled "Navigating the Currents of Life" that inspired me to do just that. The author, Mindy Anne Selu, talks about how we can feel depressed when our life appears to be stagnant. She says that we can feel as if our life is going nowhere when we focus on large goals we have not reached yet, and fail to notice small amounts of progress that we make everyday. She encourages us to make goals of all sizes. She also gives us four categories to place our goals in: mental, physical, spiritual, and social. I decided to make a goal for each category for this year. I'm also sharing them on my blog because I think that writing them down and making them public will create a greater motivation for me to work on them all year.

Mental - My mental goal (don't laugh at the wording) for this year is to practice better patience towards both Benjamin and Gerson. As the newest member of our family, Luna is the most helpless of the four of us; and so she requires a lot of attention from me. Because of that I easily get frustrated with my two favorite men if I feel they aren't contributing enough or listening to me. I need to remember that Gerson can't read my mind and Benjamin is only two years old. (Exercising more patience was the answer I received when I asked Heavenly Father "What Lack I Yet?") I pray every morning for help with patience, and I am working on apologizing when I do lose my temper. I also came across this helpful article on how moms can control their temper when dealing with children: "The Bully Too Close to Home"

Physical - My physical goal for this year is to lose weight. Surprised? What is going to make this weight loss goal different than previous ones is that I have a specific weight that I want to see on the scale and a specific pants size I want to fit around my waist. In the past I have chosen unattainable weight goals; I have wanted to go back to the size I was in high school. It no longer depresses me that that dream is unrealistic. I'm not a teenager anymore and I've had two kids. My new weight loss goal is attainable and healthy. I want to be fit, not just thin. I track my food and exercise through a website and app called Lose It! There is some debate on if counting calories is the best way to lose weight, but I've been using this website on and off for four years, and it works for me.

Spiritual - My spiritual goal for this year is to make it to Church on time. My ward begins at 8:30 am this year. Arriving on time to Church seems like a physical goal, but it is a spiritual one for me. When we are late for Church I get stressed and turn into a crazy person, which drives the spirit away. On the first Monday of the new year our Family Home Evening lesson was writing down what each of us would do each Saturday night and Sunday morning to help get our family to Church on time. It is now up on the fridge as a reminder. I pack the diaper bag, fill out the tithing slip, and take a shower on Saturday night. On Sunday morning I wake up in enough time to feed myself and the kids and get us all dressed. We haven't made it on time yet, but each Sunday we have gotten closer. If the pattern continues we should start getting to Church on time in February, and seeing that progress has already decreased some of my Sunday stress.

Social - My social goal for this year is to attend all of the Relief Society events and activities. For the past year I was on the Relief Society Activities Committee, which required me to go to the activities. I was released last month, but I still love going to the activities and want to continue to go. I made a lot of friends in the ward by attending the activities. In addition to the activities, I also want to start attending my Relief Society's monthly book club and weekly sports' night. The book club I can easily start attending because I can take Luna with me, but I'll have to wait until Luna has a different eating schedule before I can go to sports' night; and I'm hoping that will happen this year.

I'm really excited to work on these goals. They go together and they are meaningful. This is going to be a good year!

It's Okay If All You Can Offer Is A Prayer

In the past few weeks there have been several responses to the tragedies across the world. One of the more popular responses is to pray for those affected by violence and hate. And as people have shared their prayers on social media they have either been condemned and told that praying is not enough, or they have been mocked and told praying doesn’t make them a hero. Either way, the advocacy for prayer is being diminished in a time when it is needed the most. I want you to know that it is okay if all you can personally offer during these tragedies is a prayer for peace, comfort, and love.

Maybe some of the anger at the prayer posts is because they are misconstrued as something to say in order to look compassionate. I want you to know that when I say “my prayers go out to…” I truly am praying for them. I am not saying that in order to get likes or follow the current social media trend. I am truly getting down on my knees and asking Heavenly Father to send love and comfort to the family members of the victims in Paris, San Bernardino, and other parts of the world. I am truly asking Heavenly Father to heal those who were injured. I am truly asking Heavenly Father to wrap His arms around those who are struggling and help them. Even when I don't announce it online, I am still praying. That is what I can do right now, and I will not be shamed and bullied into thinking that my prayers are worthless. After all, are we not commanded to “mourn with those that mourn”?

Mosiah 18:8 …and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…

We are to bear one another’s burdens, mourn with each other, and comfort others. We can hold someone while they cry over their struggles. We can write someone a letter or send them a card. We can offer our talents and services. The possibilities are endless! But sometimes we can’t physically help someone, and so we pray for them. Prayer is extremely powerful, and is no less helpful or important than other ways of help and comfort. We have also been promised that we will never have to grieve alone:

John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

I can testify from personal experience that these kinds of prayers can be felt and they are helpful. These moments are exactly what the Atonement is for. In moments of heartbreak, I have felt comfort and guidance come un-expectantly; I have also overcome struggles easier than I anticipated. When I have relayed these experiences to my mom she has responded, “I’m so glad! I was praying for you.” If I can feel the prayers from one person, then imagine how these families can feel when millions of people send prayers their way? Will they stop grieving? No. Will they stop crying? No. But Heavenly Father is crying and grieving with them. He will comfort them, mourn with them, and strengthen them. Our prayers can help with that; I know with all my heart that they can. And I would much rather send prayers of love and comfort to those affected by these tragedies than use their grief as a means to further political arguments.

A Roaring Lion VS. The Still Small Voice

It’s so easy to get caught up emotionally in the events that are going on in our religion, in our country, and in our world. The most common emotion is anger. And while there are times where anger is justifiable and needed, most of the time it is brought on by Satan and it impedes any type of resolution or peace.

In the most recent General Priesthood session of conference, the Lord’s Prophet Thomas S. Monson said:

 “We are surrounded by persuasive voices, beguiling voices, belittling voices, sophisticated voices, and confusing voices. I might add that these are loud voices. I admonish you to turn the volume down and to be influenced instead by that still, small voice which will guide you to safety.”

Also in the most recent General Conference Elder Vern P. Stanhill said:

“When we consider thoughtfully, why would we listen to the faceless, cynical voices of those in the great and spacious buildings of our time and ignore the pleas of those who genuinely love us? These ever-present naysayers prefer to tear down rather than uplift. Their mocking words can burrow into our lives, often through split-second burst of electronic distortions carefully and deliberately composed to destroy our faith. Is it wise to place our eternal well-being in the hands of strangers? Is it wise to claim enlightenment from those who have no light to give or who may have private agendas hidden from us? These anonymous individuals, if presented to us honestly, would never be given a moment of our time, but because they exploit social media, hidden from scrutiny, they receive undeserved credibility.”

In 1 Peter 5:8 Satan is described as a “roaring lion.” The Holy Ghost has always had the sign of the dove (Luke 3:22, D&C 93:15, 2 Nephi 31:8). Who is going to be heard first: a roaring lion or a soft spoken dove? Experience has taught me that the angry yelling from Satan comes first, and then when I am ready to open my heart and allow it, the quiet calming of the Holy Spirit comes next. It is this distinction between the two voices that has helped me determine what is of God and what is of the devil.

Satan wants you to be angry. He wants you to be so beyond control in your emotions of hurt, anger, and betrayal that you cannot possibly hear the gentle pleadings of love from the Holy Spirit; and in being unable to hear the Spirit, you listen to Satan instead. If he can’t get to you directly, he will use other people who are already angry. He will use their anger and hatred to rile you up. They will say things that will make you so angry that you lose the Spirit as you snap back at them. When that happens, I have learned to take a step back, regain control of myself, pray for help and guidance, and bring the Spirit back with me as I reenter the conversation (although sometimes I have been prompted to not return to the conversation).

The Holy Ghost is the exact opposite. He wants you to be calm, loving, and at peace. His guidance often takes longer to recognize because what he is teaching you are things that must be learned and mastered over time, while Satan’s anger and temptations are merely quick impulses. But I promise that you can learn them and you can master them. It will take time, but by focusing on one step at a time you can notice progress. For example, I easily get angry; but I am getting really good at not reacting to my anger. I am learning to control how I respond to what or who has made me angry. I wait until I am in complete control of my emotions, and I have the Spirit to guide me, and then I say what I am thinking and how I am feeling.

Satan’s voice may be louder, but the Holy Ghost’s voice is stronger, as long as you allow it to be. How do you make the Spirit’s voice stronger? Faith. Faith is not something that happens magically, we have to choose it. (See Elder Neil L. Andersen’s “Faith Is Not by Chance, but byChoice”) When we do choose to have faith, the outcome is so wonderful:

“Whenever we willingly act with faith in Jesus Christ and take another step, especially an uncomfortable step requiring change or repentance, we are blessed with strength.”- Elder Randall K. Bennett (Your NextStep)

Strength! Faith gives us strength. It gives us strength to overcome Satan and his temptations. And we will need that strength when our faith is tested by those loud and angry voices.

“…we might feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or confused spiritually when we encounter a challenge to our faith. Generally, the intensity and duration of these feelings will depend upon our reaction to them. If we do nothing, doubt, pride, and eventually apostasy may drive us from the light.” - Elder Vern P. Stanfill

It is so important to not let that embarrassment, discomfort, and confusion weaken our faith. Just recently I was given some information about Brigham Young that was meant to do just that. I felt confused and frustrated that I didn’t have a response, I could not think of a way to defend him. In the end faith was the answer. It took all night to feel better; but after a long discussion with my husband and earnest prayer to my Heavenly Father, I felt comforted and at peace as I chose faith, and my personal faith was strengthened as a result.

I learned from that experience that it is ok to not have an answer ready for everything. And if you do have an answer, it’s ok to not share it. As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:

 “…we believe in God because of things we know in our heart and mind, not because of things we do not know. Our spiritual experiences are sometimes too sacred to explain in worldly terms, but that doesn’t mean they are not real.”

I love that last part. Just because something is too sacred to discuss, does not make it any less important than the things that are being discussed. You know what you experienced, you know how it made you feel, and you know it was true. Leaving a conversation does not mean that you are weak or the loser of the argument or beaten down. Being simple and soft spoken does not mean you don’t know what you are talking about. Using faith as your answer does not mean you are brainwashed. It’s ok to talk like the Holy Ghost because that means you are letting Him guide you; and that is way more important than being heard through loud and angry voices.

Overcoming Judgment From Others

About a year and a half ago I wrote a post about judging others. But what about when you are on the other side of judging? When you are the one being judged? It doesn’t feel good, and I have learned that how I respond to that judgment is connected to my confidence and happiness in myself and how I treat the person who judged me. I have also learned that many times I only feel that I’m being judged; when in reality I’m not being judged at all.

When I respond negatively I end up being super angry for a while and it affects me getting anything done. If I know the person I don’t talk to them for a long time and have a hard time being nice if I have to see them before I’m over it. If I don’t know them, I make terrible assumptions about them, which is me judging them; the exact thing I’m upset at them for doing! When I respond positively I am able to shrug it off and move on with my day. I still often times need a break from that person, but I get over the issue much faster.

Of course this is easier said than done, and I’m still working on it; but I have made good progress recently and now have a lot more self-confidence. There are three main types of judgement that I have come across and have learned to deal with: 1. Verbal comments and questions 2. Facial expressions 3. Comments on social media.

Verbal Comments and Questions

These generally take place with people I know and am conversing with, but can occasionally happen with strangers when I am out and about. I have been the recipient of a judgmental comment only once (that I can remember). I talked about it in my last post about judging. My son was crying at the grocery store and as I picked him up to quiet him I said, “Good gracious child.” A woman who heard me looked at me and said, “He just wants to be held.” I was super embarrassed and super angry. In fact, that incident happened over a year ago and it still irks me when I think about it.

I think that verbal comments are the hardest to get over because they are so matter-of-fact and obvious. What usually helps me is reminding myself that I alone know the extent of the situation I am being judged for. In this example: the amount of time my son spends crying is a lot less than the amount of time he spends smiling, laughing and playing. I also tell myself that it is ok for me to get frustrated, and just because someone else witnessed that frustration does not make me a bad mom. Also, talking with someone who can make me feel better like my husband or mom helps as well.

Questions are rarely meant to be judgmental, but it’s very easy to take them that way. And the difficult thing about questions is that what will offend one person, will not offend another. It depends on their personality and what situation they are currently in. For example, my husband is a very private person while I am more open. Sometimes he’ll hear me ask friends or family a question that he thinks is too personal or someone will ask us a questions that he thinks is too personal. And it’s ok for him to feel that way. It’s also ok for me to be more open.

Our current situations can also determine how we feel about specific questions. I have never had a problem with people asking me questions about my labor to give birth to my son. I love telling his birth story and don’t feel judged by any of the elements of that story. On the other hand, I hated it when people saw me feeding him a bottle and asked, “Do you also breastfeed?” I always told them yes, even though it wasn’t true, but I was so embarrassed that I was unable to nurse my son and I didn’t want people to think I was a failure (I of course know now that I am not a failure). Since then I have come across several articles like “Top 10 things never to say to: gays/someone who has depression/returned missionaries/single people/new moms…” (you get the picture). The one thing all of those lists have in common is “Don’t ask questions” or “Don’t ask the wrong questions.”

So am I supposed to expect people to never ask questions? Of course not! That’s how they get to know me. Or maybe they want to understand my situation so that they can know how to support and uplift me. Of course it is ok to hope that people think before they speak. And knowing how I feel about certain questions, I should try think about how a question will sound before I ask it.

I truly believe that in most cases when people ask questions they are simply curious without the intent to judge. And I think that is ok. So when someone asks me a question that makes me raise my eyebrow, I remind myself that they are just curious, nothing more. And if you don’t want to answer it, you can tell them that is personal or you don’t want to talk about it. I’m pretty sure most people will understand. And I try my best to not let the question continue to bother me when the conversation is over.

Facial Expressions

This also occurs in a social setting, and you do or say something and notice one or more people giving you that look. That judgmental look that makes you feel all hot and embarrassed, and your cheeks turn red, and you stumble on what to do or say next. For me those looks happen when my son is acting out at Church, the store, a restaurant, etc. I usually get super stressed, which rubs off on my son and makes the situation worse. How can I calm him if I myself am not calm? But I had no idea how to combat the stress. So I usually abandoned whatever event I was at, or finished it with a blazing red face.

One day after a particularly difficult Sacrament Meeting, an older gentleman came up to chat with us. During the conversation he said smiling at Benjamin, “There is no judgment here. We have all been in your shoes. We completely understand.” His comment encouraged me and made me determined to not care about the looks from others. In fact, I see judgmental looks less and less since this kind man’s comment. And it makes me wonder if I imagined most of them in the first place. It was all in my head. Every once in a while I will get a real judgmental look from someone, but it makes me say in my head, “Bring it on. Watch me be a good mother.” I can confidently say that I am 100% over judgmental looks. They honestly do not bother me anymore. They are that person’s issue, not mine.

Comments on Social Media

These tend to bother me the most. Which is quite ridiculous because they are almost always from strangers and rarely directed right at me. The thing about the internet is that it has given so many people the ability to be bold and blunt, and they type things to complete strangers – and sometimes even people they know – that they would never say to someone’s face.

The difficult thing with online comments is that we really cannot tell what kind of tone the commentator is using. Yes we try to get our tone across by using exclamation points, capitalizing words, emoticons, and acronyms like lol and smh. But misconceptions can still happen. I once got into an argument on a comment thread and I ended up accusing a complete stranger of accusing me of breaking my temple covenants. Luckily we were both willing to calm down and talk it out, and now we are fine. I follow her writing (she is a blogger as well), and I have come to understand her writing style and have never become offended by anything she has said since.

Still, there are comments that are not misconceived, but truly are judgmental. One time a complete stranger called me a “delusional religionist.” I told him that he was entitled to his opinion, but it didn’t change anything for me and left the conversation. The thing that gets me through those kind of comments is knowing that those people only know me by the 3 or 4 sentences I have written on that comment thread, so their judgment of me is completely invalid. I try very hard to not allow it to affect me. And in many cases like these I use to Spirit to Guide me on what is best: to reply or to leave the conversation. I am usually prompted to leave the conversation.

The hardest for me when it comes to social media is when a friend posts a status or shares an article where the negative aspect matches a characteristic, habit, or belief of mine. It makes me feel like they would think I was a bad person if they knew that aspect about my life. It makes me want to comment and defend myself! But I never do because I don’t want to cause an argument.

One time I shared an article that ended up making someone feel like I was judging them. They commented disagreeing with the article and defending themselves. I tried to make them feel better while still holding to the article because I still agreed with it. The conversation was a failure and I stopped commenting. I was really perplexed how they could take it so personally. I hadn’t tagged them in my post. I hadn’t posted it to their wall. I had simply shared an article, saying that I liked it. And yet, I feel the same when someone posts an article that offends me.

Having now experienced being the offender, I realized that when my friends post something I don’t like, they are not out to get me. They aren’t thinking, “I hope Chelsey reads this, the sinner!” I still struggle with this one, but I’m starting to remind myself that they are not directing those thoughts at me, nor are they judging me. And in many cases I can understand and respect their point of view while still holding true to mine. This is another time where I try to use the Holy Ghost to guide me. If the title of the article, or what my friend said about the article makes me feel uneasy, I don’t read it. I then get to escape whatever negative feelings would have come from reading that article.

Feeling Judged, but not Actually Being Judged

The biggest thing I have come to realize while overcoming judgment: I feel judged way more often than I am actually judged. I’m going to go back to the breastfeeding example. I spent the first 9 months of my son’s life thinking that my friends and family were judging me for not being able to breastfeed. When I learned that my mother-in-law hadn’t breastfed any of her children I felt a lot better. I looked back and realized that no one had said a single judgmental thing. I was judging myself and assumed that others were doing the same. And so now when I am feeling judged I take a step back and reassess the situation. Am I truly being judged or is it in my head? If I am being judged (which is rare), how should I react in order to make the situation better and not worse? I have come to the conclusion that if someone doesn’t actually say something to me, then they are not judging me. And if they are judging me on the inside, it’s their problem not mine. Their thoughts cannot hurt me. I’m still working on all of this, but it has helped me become a lot more confident in who I am.

In the end there is only one judge who truly matters: Jesus Christ. As my relationship with Him deepens, I have an easier time determining when I am making a good choice or a poor choice. Sometimes I make a poor choice before I figure out it was a poor choice, but that is where the Atonement comes in and I can repent and move forward. I know that Jesus Christ loves me and that the little details of how I take care of my son do not matter as long as I am teaching my son to be a disciple of Christ and follow Him.

I have a Testimony of Joseph Smith: Part 2

On Sunday April 19, the lesson in my ward’s Relief Society was titled “Joseph Smith, an Instrument in the Hands of the Lord.” (Chapter 7 from Teachings of Presidents of the Church Ezra Taft Benson). The lesson influenced me to share my testimony of Joseph Smith. Last week I shared my testimony using Neil L. Andersen’s talk from October 2014 General Conference “Joseph Smith”, and this week I’m going to share my testimony using the Relief Society lesson about Joseph Smith.

The sister in my ward giving this lesson started it off with sharing a story from the chapter about Ezra Taft Benson’s mission. President Benson served his mission in England. Anti-Mormon literature about Joseph Smith had been spread throughout all of England, and missionary work was suffering because of it. A small group of members asked President Benson and his companion to speak in one of their meetings. President Benson gave a very powerful testimony about Joseph Smith and the Restoration. After the meeting many people went up to President Benson and told him that what he said was exactly what they needed to hear.

At this point the teacher asked us what thoughts or questions made the First Vision seem unbelievable to some people. One woman said that on her mission – to a small island off the coast of Africa – a man she was teaching couldn’t see how something that happened all the way in the United States affected him on a tiny island. Another sister said that the most common concern was the belief that God no longer talks to his children anymore, that was something from antiquity, but not modern days.

Those are valid concerns, and important to overcome individually. The first, how does the First Vision apply to me? Well, the First Vision set Joseph Smith on the path to restore Jesus Christ’s true Church to the earth. The Restoration brought about so many needed blessings, the most important being the priesthood keys and covenants that will help us return to Heavenly Father. And the best thing about the Restoration is that it is open to everyone. No matter where you live, what gender you are, when you were born, who your family is, the Gospel is open to you. Anyone who chooses to, can accept the restored Gospel and be baptized, make temple covenants, receive the blessings of the priesthood and be sealed to their families.

The second concern, does God really speak to us in these modern days? The answer is, yes! And it started with the First Vision. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ literally appeared to Joseph Smith. He saw them with his own eyes, and heard their voices as they spoke to him. This is one way that God speaks to his children. He can also speak to each of us through impressions and feelings from the Holy Ghost, literally hearing the voice of the Holy Ghost, and sending us messages in dreams. Whatever the method, Heavenly Father does speak to us. He spoke to Joseph Smith, and through bringing revelation back to the earth, Joseph Smith was able to restore Christ’s Church.

We next talked about how the restoration affects us today.  There is a long list of answers to that question. There is the obvious: we have the priesthood to bless us, seal us, we can make baptismal and temple covenants, and we have the full truth. After we went over those general – but very important – answers, I thought about how much clarity the restoration can give us. In American History, the time that Joseph Smith was a young boy is called The Great Awakening (it’s technically the Second Great Awakening as the first one was in Europe, it just depends what textbook you are reading). The Great Awakening was a time when people were reinterpreting the Bible and creating new churches. So of course there was a lot of confusion as people tried to figure out what was right and true. This confusion is what led Joseph Smith to pray to Heavenly Father to find the truth. We know that the restoration resulted in that prayer and the prayers and visions that followed. But the confusion has not ended in this modern world, in fact, I believe it has only gotten worse. And Christ’s gospel being back on the earth can bring so much clarity to our lives and give us the right direction to follow.

We also read from Joseph Smith History, verse 25:

I had seen a vision; I knew it, and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it, neither dared I do it; at least I knew that by so doing I would offend God, and come under condemnation.

Joseph Smith uses the word “knew” four times in that verse. He knew that he had seen a vision. And I believe him. The Spirit has testified to me – and he can testify to you too – that Joseph Smith told the truth. He saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They spoke to him, they instructed him on the truth of the Gospel, and they continued to speak to him and send messengers to guide him in the restoration. I know that Joseph Smith was God’s chosen prophet, he restored Christ’s Church to the earth. I am so grateful that he was willing to go through all of the persecution that he did to help the Church grow and prepare it for the future generations of today.

Now, I know that was only a small part of the chapter. That was what stood out to me in my RS lesson. What did your RS teachers focus on in their lessons? What stood out to you?