Toddlers in Sacrament Meeting

I recently came across a blog post on lds.org letting all of the mothers know that they are not the only ones who have wild and loud children during Sacrament Meeting. As I smiled, laughed, and nodded in sympathy and understanding I realized that it had been about seven months since Benjamin had behaved in such a way during Sacrament Meeting. Either we had figured out how to control him, or he had simply passed that phase of his toddler years, or a little bit of both. Whatever it was, he now behaves during Sacrament Meeting – for the most part.

It took us about a year to figure out what worked for us and him. I think part of it might have been our fault. We are late to Church quite often and many times take the Sacrament out in the foyer, and sometimes we spend the entire meeting out there. So when Benjamin was first starting to crawl and eventually walk, we would hang out on the couches and let him move around.

When we actually made it into the chapel, we sat in the back rows of chairs, which were in the gym. Other parents allowed their children Benjamin’s age to crawl and walk around the back of the gym, so we started to let Benjamin do that too. Several months later Benjamin was walking and running, way too loudly. At this point I realized that we had made a mistake, and we needed to change. We needed to teach Benjamin to stay in the row we were sitting on. He could play on the floor by our feet or on a chair in between us, but he couldn’t run around the gym.

This, of course, did not sit well with Benjamin because he was used to running around the gym or the hallway. He screamed, cried, and hit; and it was super embarrassing. We tried taking him out into the hall, but not letting him get down and run around. He had to stay in our arms doing nothing. That made things worse. He got more aggressive with hitting and kicking; and his crying was so loud that you could hear him whether we were in the hall or in the chapel. After that proved fruitless, we tried taking him to an empty classroom that we could turn the speakers on and still listen to Sacrament Meeting. That didn’t work for us either. We also tried a quiet book, toys, story books, snacks, and a kids app on our phones to keep Benjamin entertained; they never lasted longer than five or ten minutes.

At this point I was pregnant with Luna, and was running out of physical stamina to deal with Benjamin’s Sunday tantrums. I was also tired of constantly leaving and reentering the chapel/gym. So I decided that Benjamin could play with our phones, his toys, books or eat snacks on the floor next to our feet, or on the chair in between us, but the minute he tried to runaway we stopped him and told him he had to stay by us. If he threw a tantrum then all books, toys, and snacks were put away and he had to sit on my lap with nothing to do. He screamed, and cried, arched his back, hit, and kicked. It took all of my strength to restrain him, but I was out of ideas. Sometimes he cried for only 30 seconds, and sometimes it was a few minutes.

I felt bad that I was causing and allowing such a commotion during Sacrament Meeting, but I only got the stink eye a couple times, and they were from childless newlyweds. Older couples always patted us on the back and gave us hugs and told us to hang on, that it would get better.

Three long months after this new technique, Benjamin was finally behaving in Sacrament Meeting. He stays entertained with his quiet book or our phones, and eats fruit snacks. We have taught him to stay on our laps until after the Sacrament is passed; no playing until after we have taken both the bread and water. Teaching him to wait for the Sacrament was surprisingly easier. We asked him if he wanted bread, and he would say “yeah” and he would watch the young men and wait eagerly for it to get to us. We do the same thing with the water.

He still gets restless, and still tries to runaway sometimes, but he rarely throws the kind of tantrums that he used to. What I took away from this experience is that every child is different, and so different things work for different families when it comes to Sacrament Meeting. Letting him walk around, going out in the hall, going to an empty room were things I had seen other parents do; and when they didn’t work for Benjamin I felt like such a failure. I know that letting him cry on my lap is not common, and is not liked or encouraged; but it’s what worked for my family. And those that might have been bothered by Benjamin’s tantrums, probably don’t even remember them now.

When other families in my ward are dealing with crying and tantrums, I don’t look; because I didn’t like it when people looked during Benjamin’s tantrums. I’m going to give them the time that they need to figure out what works best for their family dynamic. If they want to go out in the hall, great. If they want to stay in the chapel, great. They have the same right to be in Sacrament Meeting as I do. And when I feel so inspired, I’ll give them a hug and tell them that they are doing a good job. I’ll tell them to hang in there. And I’ll tell them I’m glad they are here.

And behold, ye shall meet together oft; and ye shall not forbid any man from coming unto you when ye shall meet together, but suffer them that they may come unto you and forbid them not;

But ye shall pray for them, and shall not cast them out; and if it so be that they come unto you oft ye shall pray for them unto the Father, in my name. (3 Nephi 18:22-23)

Remembering Grandpa John Larson

My paternal grandfather, John Larson, passed away a year ago on February 25, 2015. I didn’t say much at the time because it was a really stressful, busy, and emotional week for me. And so on the one year anniversary of my grandpa returning to Heavenly Father I would like to talk about him. As a little girl I loved him like one loves a grandfather, and as an adult I love and appreciate him in a different way.

John was first generation born in the United States of America. His parents converted to the LDS Church in Sweden and came to Salt Lake City, Utah to join the rest of the Saints, where they met each other and eventually were married. So the gospel played a huge part in John’s life (and thus mine as well) as it is why his parents came here.

John grew up during the Great Depression, so living a frugal lifestyle was very important to him. I remember one time he got a new walker that had a seat for him to sit on if he needed rest. My dad asked him how much it cost and my grandpa responded, “Too much!” My dad asked again how much and grandpa said $60; my dad laughed and said, “Dad, that’s a great deal!”

During World War II John joined the Navy; but instead of being sent overseas, the Navy sent him to the University of Michigan to major in Naval Architecture. Like the gospel of Jesus Christ, this also played a huge part in John’s life as he would not have gone to college if the Navy had not sent him there. While there John also ran for their Track and Field team and lettered for the year 1945-46, his name is up on their Wall of Fame.

John married his wife, Carol in the St. George, Utah temple. He was 29 years old and she was 18. (I love using them as an example that age is just a number when you are in love; and it made the fact that Gerson is 6 years older than me not so weird.) My grandma told me that if the car had not been moving when she learned that man she was on a date with was 29 years old, she would have gotten out and walked away. We are all so grateful that she stayed in the car!

John and Carol have 12 children: Susie, Carl, Nancy, Selma, Glenn (my dad), Anna, Cynthia, John, Doug, Julie, Vickie, and Mark. They currently have 39 grandchildren, 8 great-grandchildren, and one more great-grandchild on the way. My grandpa loved each and every child, grandchild, and in-law. He made it to practically every baptism, ordination, wedding, blessing, game, performance, and graduation. Grandma and Grandpa came to every end-of-the-year dance concert of mine and also made it to several competitions. My aunt Susie said that I-15 should be renamed the John and Carol Larson Memorial Highway. Even with grandpa gone, my grandma still makes the trip to wherever we are when something important is happening. Towards the end of Grandpa’s life I would get worried when they would travel to one of my events. For my baby shower, Benjamin’s blessing, and his first birthday party I told my dad to tell his parents that they are invited, but I don’t want them to feel obligated to come. I would have felt awful if something had happened while they were traveling to one of my events. My dad said, “Chelsey, my dad would rather die than miss coming to this.” At his funeral my aunt Susie said, “Dad wanted to live, he didn’t just want to be alive.”

Oh, how my grandma helped him live! She helped him with everything and drove him everywhere. The love and care between those two is something all couples should strive for. Grandpa was so cute towards Grandma. When he was looking for her he wouldn’t say, “Do you know where your grandma is?” He would say, “Has anyone seen my wife?” (And sometimes he would say, “wifey”.) The way he emphasized the word wife, you could tell he truly adored her. Just thinking about it makes my heart flutter.

The love he felt for his kids and grandkids was just as wonderful. He enjoyed any activity that involved either listening to his children talk or watching his grandchildren play. There is a small hill in the backyard of my grandparents’ house where we would put a slip-n-slide on during the summer. Grandpa would sit at the top of the hill and hold the hose over the slip-n-slide and watch us kids slide down over and over again.

He took pictures with an old camera and developed the film into slides – real slides on a reel, not a computer slideshow. That was one of the best activities at family reunions, slide night. He had pictures from the beginning of his marriage all the way to the present day. So one reel would be my dad and his siblings as little kids, and another would be the cousins and our family adventures; including all of our games, performances, graduations, etc.

Whenever it was the end of a visit and we were saying goodbye, Grandpa would pat me on the back while he was hugging me and say, “You’re a good girl.” One time when Grandma and Grandpa were visiting, Gerson came over and met everyone for the first time (we were just starting to see each other); that night Gerson kissed me goodbye on the cheek, I told Grandpa and he said, “Oh, I’m not sure that I like the sound of that.”

Benjamin was 6 weeks old the first time Grandma and Grandpa got to meet him. The moment Benjamin was placed in Grandpa’s arms, he smiled at him! Benjamin was just barely starting to smile and hadn’t smiled at a lot of people yet, so that was very special. Then when Benjamin was almost 3 months old we took a trip to California to visit Gerson’s family. (Whenever we go to California we always stop in St. George to visit Grandma and Grandpa and spend the night.) That morning during breakfast, Benjamin sat in Grandpa’s arms while we ate and visited, and he just smiled the whole time at his Great-Papa. As Benjamin got older, he wasn’t interested in hugging Grandpa or sitting on his lap; but he does know who he is. When we look at pictures Benjamin will point to him and say, “Papa.”

Grandma and Grandpa spent New Year’s Eve 2014 with us. New Year’s day 2015 I found out I was pregnant with Luna. Along with my parents, Grandma and Grandpa were the first people that we told. I’m glad that we decided to tell them right away, because that was the last time that I saw Grandpa before he passed away. It was the last conversation that I had with him while he was still coherent. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but now it is a very special memory that I will hold onto forever. Grandpa loved his grandchildren so much. I know that was wonderful news for him to hear, and even though he didn’t get to meet Luna here on earth, I know that he loves her.

When it became evident that Grandpa was dying, my dad and all of his siblings were able to rush down to St. George to say goodbye to their father; and many of my cousins were able to go as well. I was unable to go because I was in my last semester of college, which was student teaching. I could have taken the time off, but the make-up work I would have had to do right before graduation would have been extremely stressful. So I stayed home, and the cried the whole week my parents were down there. While my parents were down there my dad called me and put me on speaker phone, and my mom called my brother Michael and put him on speaker phone and we all said goodbye to Grandpa together. I told Grandpa how much I loved him, how much I was going to miss him. I told him that I appreciated him coming to all of my events, and I reminded him that I was pregnant with his 8^th great-grandchild, that I had told him on New Year’s day, and how special that memory was now. My dad said that Grandpa wasn’t conscious at the time, but we still believe he heard our goodbyes in his own way.

My Grandpa, John Larson, was one of the greatest men I ever knew. He was an amazing example of a man of faith, a hard working man, and a family man. The memories I have shared barely skim the surface of who Grandpa was. As a granddaughter, I only witnessed the end of his life; but I know that he lived a good one. I love him, I miss him, and I look forward to one day seeing him again.

Home With My Kids is My Promised Land

Before either Gerson or I graduated from BYU, and before we had kids, we didn’t know what the future held when it came to me working or staying home. We thought it would be ideal if I could stay home during our children’s younger years, but I was fully ready to work the minute I graduated. During Gerson’s last semester at BYU he found a paid internship, and when he graduated they offered him a full time position! Shortly after that it became apparent that we did not need me to work, but for the time being I would because we didn’t have kids yet.

When I got pregnant with Benjamin I struggled to work because I was so sick, and when school started again it made everything more difficult. So I quit my job at Dressed In White in order to focus on school and my pregnancy. I left without hard feelings, and knew if I needed to I could return there. Luckily that was not needed, and I graduated with my teaching degree and ready to be a SAHM.

We didn’t announce our decision for me to stay home, but if peopled asked we told them. Living in a predominately LDS area, we received an overwhelming amount of praise and support. I only received two negative comments, and even though it was only two negative out of dozens of positive, for some reason they have stuck with me.

The first instance happened while I was still in school. A classmate and I were discussing the future and when I told her my plans to stay home after graduation she asked, “Then why are you even finishing school?” I told her that I would eventually work when my kids were older, and it made a good plan B if something happened. She still gave me a skeptical look and the conversation died.

I think it is incredibly important that I have a college degree. Should something happen where Gerson alone cannot financially provide for our family, I can work. True, the starting salary for a first year teacher is not high, but it provides better opportunities than working hourly in retail or fast food. Also, when I teach my children the importance of an education, they have both their father’s and mother’s example to look to. And when my children are older, I will work. It’s better that I have my education now. Also, we have been commanded to learn as much as possible.

I can’t imagine a better education for me than what I got at BYU. As an LDS school my professors applied their content to the gospel. I really hope my children value education. Gerson and I like to tell them things like, “Being a nerd is good.”

My second experience happened shortly after graduation. I ran into an old classmate and I was pregnant with Luna. My classmate had a job in her area of study and was enjoying it. When I told her that I would be staying home now and planned to work later she smirked and said, “Well, good luck with that.”

I know that my chances of landing a full time teaching job after years of not teaching are slim. That is okay. I am willing to start out as a substitute or a teacher’s aid before I get my own classroom. My mom did something very similar when she went back to work. She started as the recess lady and a reading tutor, now she runs the Low Reinforcement Room (fancy word for detention and In School Suspension).

Why did these two experiences affect me so much? I’m not friends with either of those people; in fact, I can’t even remember one of their names. As mothers, we strive to make the best choices for our families. We easily frustrate ourselves with trying to be perfect; and so we focus on the very few negative responses instead of remembering the unlimited positive ones. We subconsciously become our biggest bully.

So why do I stay home with my kids?

I stay home with my kids because it is what is best for my family. My kids need me during the day, and I need them. Gerson needs me functioning at night (when I did my student teaching I pretty much did nothing other than lesson prep). I also need “me time”. I can’t have “me time” if I’m working all day and then cooking, cleaning and doing lesson preps all night. Without any guilt I admit that I love having quiet time all to myself when my kids take naps during the day and after bedtime at night.

I stay home with my kids because I am their teacher. Benjamin says more words and fuller sentences each week. I’m there to teach him those new words. I love witnessing his development. I teach him how to interact with Luna, and get rewarded when I witness him apply it. For example, one time Benjamin was playing with his toy train and Luna reached for it. I silently watched to see how Benjamin would respond, he tried to hand it to her and said, “Here go baby.” He looked confused when she didn’t take it from him so I told him that she wasn’t strong enough to hold it, but if he played with it close by her she could touch it. So he pushed his train back and forth from him to Luna so that they could both touch it. A few days later he put a toy car next to Luna and said, “Look Mama, baby play with car!”

I stay home with my kids because it’s my way of bonding with them. Luna is exclusively breastfed, and she is a total mama’s girl. It has been a meaningful experience for Benjamin too as he has learned how babies eat. Benjamin also spends every waking moment talking to me. He asks me to read to him. We sing and dance. And sometimes both kids are sitting on my lap. It’s not always easy. I have to discipline him several times a day. But every once in a while he shows that he is progressing in learning how to be obedient, or remembering what is a “no-no”. Watching Benjamin progress gives me hope that I’m doing a good job.

I stay at home with my kids because it’s what I want. I chose this. I want to be home with my kids. I love being home with my kids. It’s not always perfect, and I’m not always happy; but the majority of the time things are good. Every time I stop and think about it, I’m glad I made this choice.

I know I’m preaching to the choir here. There are hundreds of other blogs about how awesome it is to be a SAHM. I’m not saying anything new. But I needed to write this for myself, to remind myself that it’s okay that I chose to stay home. Because every once in a while I get down on myself for not working yet. I mistakenly think that I’m wasting my degree and money spent getting that degree by not working right now. But that is not true. I can use what I learned in school with my kids and possible future callings in Church. One day, I will use my degree in my own classroom; but for now, I’m going to enjoy being home with my kids.

I want to end with a thought that can apply to any situation, but that I personally applied to motherhood as that was on my mind when I read it:

“We should remember that to explore does not mean to inhabit, embrace or adopt. It simply means, ‘to examine something carefully, investigate, to travel to an unknown region.’ ‘To explore’ may mean we need to discover some new things to give ourselves a different perspective or examine new horizons. And it may also mean that when we explore new territory, we too may have to go through our own wilderness before we get to our Promised Land.” – Professor Brent A. Barstow, PhD (Caleb’s Creed, pg. 28-29)

I have explored motherhood as a college student, a “working mom” during student teaching, and now as a SAHM. In staying home with my kids I have found my Promised Land.

Welcome Luna Mae!

As you already know, my daughter Luna was born this past September. I want to share my pregnancy and her birth story. I hadn’t created this blog yet when Benjamin was born, so I’m also going to share my experiences with him by comparing the two. J

I found out on New Year’s day (January 1^st) 2015 that I was pregnant. I took two tests four hours apart to make sure. I ran into the bedroom and told Gerson, he jumped out of bed and gave me a hug. We were so happy, we couldn’t stop smiling and looking at the two positive tests. When Benjamin woke up we went into his room together and I said, “Benjamin guess what? You are going to be a big brother!” He clapped his hands and said, “Yay!” I don’t think he actually understood what we said, but it was a great way to begin 2015.

When I saw that positive on the pregnancy test I immediately had a feeling that the very tiny baby growing inside of me was a girl. When I got that feeling, I knew that it was right because I had been right about Benjamin as well. When I heard Benjamin’s heartbeat for the first time at my 12 week appointment, I knew he was a boy. Gerson and I had already picked the name Luna for our first girl, so I started calling her Luna from the moment I knew I was pregnant. Also, when we discussed boy names – just in case – we couldn’t agree on any. I felt that was another clue that we were having a girl.

The doctor was an hour behind schedule during my 8 week appointment. So to make up for making us wait so long, she gave us a free ultrasound! (8 week ultrasounds are not standard in my doctor’s office.) We got to see Luna’s heartbeat on the screen and watch her tiny body wiggle a little bit. It was so amazing to see my baby even though I wasn’t showing yet.

I was very sick for the first six months of my pregnancy with Benjamin. I threw up at least once a day, and constantly felt ill and weak. I was worried that the same thing would happen during my pregnancy with Luna; especially because I would be student teaching for the first three and a half months. I was very lucky that I had a much easier first and second trimester with Luna than I did with Benjamin. I still had stomach discomfort, but I was able to endure it while I taught 7^th graders and I only had to ask my mentor teacher to take over once while I ran to the bathroom. Old wives’ tales say that the fact I was carrying a girl explained my easier pregnancy. I also believe that I had divine help, because I had divine help with Benjamin as well. When I was pregnant with Benjamin I had an 8 am class that I was never late to, even on mornings where I was really sick, I somehow made it out the door and arrived to class on time (I had never done that with previous 8 am classes).

We bought Benjamin a T-shirt that said, “Big Brother” and posted a picture of him wearing it to announce my pregnancy. After my 20 week ultrasound confirmed that Luna was a girl we bought Benjamin some pink balloons. He loved playing with them. Around this time Benjamin had learned to point to my belly and say, “Baby.”

At 21 weeks I felt Benjamin kick for the first time, and at 16 weeks I felt Luna! I asked my doctor if what I felt was real or if it was a phantom kick or something else. He said that yes I really did feel Luna, that it is common to feel baby’s movement earlier in second pregnancies than in first. Benjamin was a lot more active. After that first kick, he moved ALL THE TIME. He would go crazy when Gerson would put his hand on my belly, and during my third trimester he would move all over from 1-3 am almost every night; which would keep me awake. Luna was quite different. She moved enough that I knew she was still alive, but she never kept me up at night nor would she move just because Gerson placed his hand on my belly. She would, however, kick the Fetal Doppler at every appointment while they were trying to listen to her heartbeat. And during my ultrasound she would kick at the sensor and the screen would go crazy trying to find her again. She did not like to be bothered, but now that she is here, she loves being bothered. These two different experiences with their movements verified to me that babies truly have their own personalities long before birth; there is a soul inside those bodies inside the womb.

In June (6 months pregnant), Gerson, Benjamin, and I visited Gerson’s family in California for a week. My mother and sisters-in-law threw me a surprise baby shower! I was pleasantly surprised at how many people from their ward and neighborhood came. Most of them I had never met, and yet they came to support my family. I was incredibly grateful for their presence and the beautiful clothes and blankets they gave us. Most of Luna’s clothes are from my California baby shower. J

As my due date got closer I became concerned about how things would go at the hospital because my experience with Benjamin was not that great. I had contractions for 40 hours before the hospital would admit me; and even after giving me Pitocin it was still another 20 hours before Benjamin was born. I expressed my concerns to my doctor and she said that they are much more sympathetic towards second time moms and that won’t happen again. (In case you’ve noticed that my doctor keeps changing genders, it’s because the office I go to likes women to see all the doctors in the office if possible, that way we have a higher chance of knowing whoever is on call at the hospital when we give birth.)

At my 39 week appointment my doctor said that I and Luna were where we should be, that I could be induced that week if I would like to. Up until that moment I absolutely did not want to get induced unless medically necessary, but the thought came to my mind, “They can’t send you home if you get induced.” Gerson and I did some quick “silent communicating” and said yes we would like that. We picked the upcoming Friday (5 days before my due date) and were told that the hospital would call the day before to tell us what time to come in.

Gerson was a little nervous about me getting induced, so we researched it over the next couple days and by the time the hospital called on Thursday felt comfortable and even anticipated it. We worked things out with my mom to care for Benjamin while we were in the hospital – which he loved; three day two night stay at Grandma’s? Best weekend of his life. On Friday September 4, 2015 Luna Mae was born six hours after I was induced. If was so wonderful. I slept through most of my labor, and actually had energy to push.

Luna was placed on my chest right away (that didn’t happen with Benjamin because there were complications and he needed to be checked out). I got to snuggle with her and feed her for two hours before they moved me and her. The nice thing about the Timpanogos Hospital is that they do all of the washing and testing right there in the delivery room, Luna didn’t leave my sight until her hearing test much later.

My parents brought Benjamin by that night. Benjamin did not want to go near her, instead he wanted to run around the room and turn on and off all the lights and open the doors and press buttons. When they left Benjamin did say, “Bye Baby.” On their second visit Benjamin climbed up on my bed and looked at Luna.

On Sunday September 7^th Luna and I were discharged. We put Benjamin and Luna in their car seats in the back seat, and as we drove away a feeling of completeness came over us. I told Gerson that taking Luna home made our family feel more complete, and he said that he was thinking the same thing. I am so grateful she came to our family. I look at both of my kids as miracles, and often have moments of being in awe that I am the mother of such beautiful souls. They really are my pride and joy, and I love them so much.

2016 Resolutions

We all make resolutions each new year to better ourselves in some way. In the past I've thought of some, but I've never actually picked specific goals and focused on them. Last month's issue of the Ensign had an article titled "Navigating the Currents of Life" that inspired me to do just that. The author, Mindy Anne Selu, talks about how we can feel depressed when our life appears to be stagnant. She says that we can feel as if our life is going nowhere when we focus on large goals we have not reached yet, and fail to notice small amounts of progress that we make everyday. She encourages us to make goals of all sizes. She also gives us four categories to place our goals in: mental, physical, spiritual, and social. I decided to make a goal for each category for this year. I'm also sharing them on my blog because I think that writing them down and making them public will create a greater motivation for me to work on them all year.

Mental - My mental goal (don't laugh at the wording) for this year is to practice better patience towards both Benjamin and Gerson. As the newest member of our family, Luna is the most helpless of the four of us; and so she requires a lot of attention from me. Because of that I easily get frustrated with my two favorite men if I feel they aren't contributing enough or listening to me. I need to remember that Gerson can't read my mind and Benjamin is only two years old. (Exercising more patience was the answer I received when I asked Heavenly Father "What Lack I Yet?") I pray every morning for help with patience, and I am working on apologizing when I do lose my temper. I also came across this helpful article on how moms can control their temper when dealing with children: "The Bully Too Close to Home"

Physical - My physical goal for this year is to lose weight. Surprised? What is going to make this weight loss goal different than previous ones is that I have a specific weight that I want to see on the scale and a specific pants size I want to fit around my waist. In the past I have chosen unattainable weight goals; I have wanted to go back to the size I was in high school. It no longer depresses me that that dream is unrealistic. I'm not a teenager anymore and I've had two kids. My new weight loss goal is attainable and healthy. I want to be fit, not just thin. I track my food and exercise through a website and app called Lose It! There is some debate on if counting calories is the best way to lose weight, but I've been using this website on and off for four years, and it works for me.

Spiritual - My spiritual goal for this year is to make it to Church on time. My ward begins at 8:30 am this year. Arriving on time to Church seems like a physical goal, but it is a spiritual one for me. When we are late for Church I get stressed and turn into a crazy person, which drives the spirit away. On the first Monday of the new year our Family Home Evening lesson was writing down what each of us would do each Saturday night and Sunday morning to help get our family to Church on time. It is now up on the fridge as a reminder. I pack the diaper bag, fill out the tithing slip, and take a shower on Saturday night. On Sunday morning I wake up in enough time to feed myself and the kids and get us all dressed. We haven't made it on time yet, but each Sunday we have gotten closer. If the pattern continues we should start getting to Church on time in February, and seeing that progress has already decreased some of my Sunday stress.

Social - My social goal for this year is to attend all of the Relief Society events and activities. For the past year I was on the Relief Society Activities Committee, which required me to go to the activities. I was released last month, but I still love going to the activities and want to continue to go. I made a lot of friends in the ward by attending the activities. In addition to the activities, I also want to start attending my Relief Society's monthly book club and weekly sports' night. The book club I can easily start attending because I can take Luna with me, but I'll have to wait until Luna has a different eating schedule before I can go to sports' night; and I'm hoping that will happen this year.

I'm really excited to work on these goals. They go together and they are meaningful. This is going to be a good year!

It's Okay If All You Can Offer Is A Prayer

In the past few weeks there have been several responses to the tragedies across the world. One of the more popular responses is to pray for those affected by violence and hate. And as people have shared their prayers on social media they have either been condemned and told that praying is not enough, or they have been mocked and told praying doesn’t make them a hero. Either way, the advocacy for prayer is being diminished in a time when it is needed the most. I want you to know that it is okay if all you can personally offer during these tragedies is a prayer for peace, comfort, and love.

Maybe some of the anger at the prayer posts is because they are misconstrued as something to say in order to look compassionate. I want you to know that when I say “my prayers go out to…” I truly am praying for them. I am not saying that in order to get likes or follow the current social media trend. I am truly getting down on my knees and asking Heavenly Father to send love and comfort to the family members of the victims in Paris, San Bernardino, and other parts of the world. I am truly asking Heavenly Father to heal those who were injured. I am truly asking Heavenly Father to wrap His arms around those who are struggling and help them. Even when I don't announce it online, I am still praying. That is what I can do right now, and I will not be shamed and bullied into thinking that my prayers are worthless. After all, are we not commanded to “mourn with those that mourn”?

Mosiah 18:8 …and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort…

We are to bear one another’s burdens, mourn with each other, and comfort others. We can hold someone while they cry over their struggles. We can write someone a letter or send them a card. We can offer our talents and services. The possibilities are endless! But sometimes we can’t physically help someone, and so we pray for them. Prayer is extremely powerful, and is no less helpful or important than other ways of help and comfort. We have also been promised that we will never have to grieve alone:

John 14:18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

I can testify from personal experience that these kinds of prayers can be felt and they are helpful. These moments are exactly what the Atonement is for. In moments of heartbreak, I have felt comfort and guidance come un-expectantly; I have also overcome struggles easier than I anticipated. When I have relayed these experiences to my mom she has responded, “I’m so glad! I was praying for you.” If I can feel the prayers from one person, then imagine how these families can feel when millions of people send prayers their way? Will they stop grieving? No. Will they stop crying? No. But Heavenly Father is crying and grieving with them. He will comfort them, mourn with them, and strengthen them. Our prayers can help with that; I know with all my heart that they can. And I would much rather send prayers of love and comfort to those affected by these tragedies than use their grief as a means to further political arguments.

A Roaring Lion VS. The Still Small Voice

It’s so easy to get caught up emotionally in the events that are going on in our religion, in our country, and in our world. The most common emotion is anger. And while there are times where anger is justifiable and needed, most of the time it is brought on by Satan and it impedes any type of resolution or peace.

In the most recent General Priesthood session of conference, the Lord’s Prophet Thomas S. Monson said:

 “We are surrounded by persuasive voices, beguiling voices, belittling voices, sophisticated voices, and confusing voices. I might add that these are loud voices. I admonish you to turn the volume down and to be influenced instead by that still, small voice which will guide you to safety.”

Also in the most recent General Conference Elder Vern P. Stanhill said:

“When we consider thoughtfully, why would we listen to the faceless, cynical voices of those in the great and spacious buildings of our time and ignore the pleas of those who genuinely love us? These ever-present naysayers prefer to tear down rather than uplift. Their mocking words can burrow into our lives, often through split-second burst of electronic distortions carefully and deliberately composed to destroy our faith. Is it wise to place our eternal well-being in the hands of strangers? Is it wise to claim enlightenment from those who have no light to give or who may have private agendas hidden from us? These anonymous individuals, if presented to us honestly, would never be given a moment of our time, but because they exploit social media, hidden from scrutiny, they receive undeserved credibility.”

In 1 Peter 5:8 Satan is described as a “roaring lion.” The Holy Ghost has always had the sign of the dove (Luke 3:22, D&C 93:15, 2 Nephi 31:8). Who is going to be heard first: a roaring lion or a soft spoken dove? Experience has taught me that the angry yelling from Satan comes first, and then when I am ready to open my heart and allow it, the quiet calming of the Holy Spirit comes next. It is this distinction between the two voices that has helped me determine what is of God and what is of the devil.

Satan wants you to be angry. He wants you to be so beyond control in your emotions of hurt, anger, and betrayal that you cannot possibly hear the gentle pleadings of love from the Holy Spirit; and in being unable to hear the Spirit, you listen to Satan instead. If he can’t get to you directly, he will use other people who are already angry. He will use their anger and hatred to rile you up. They will say things that will make you so angry that you lose the Spirit as you snap back at them. When that happens, I have learned to take a step back, regain control of myself, pray for help and guidance, and bring the Spirit back with me as I reenter the conversation (although sometimes I have been prompted to not return to the conversation).

The Holy Ghost is the exact opposite. He wants you to be calm, loving, and at peace. His guidance often takes longer to recognize because what he is teaching you are things that must be learned and mastered over time, while Satan’s anger and temptations are merely quick impulses. But I promise that you can learn them and you can master them. It will take time, but by focusing on one step at a time you can notice progress. For example, I easily get angry; but I am getting really good at not reacting to my anger. I am learning to control how I respond to what or who has made me angry. I wait until I am in complete control of my emotions, and I have the Spirit to guide me, and then I say what I am thinking and how I am feeling.

Satan’s voice may be louder, but the Holy Ghost’s voice is stronger, as long as you allow it to be. How do you make the Spirit’s voice stronger? Faith. Faith is not something that happens magically, we have to choose it. (See Elder Neil L. Andersen’s “Faith Is Not by Chance, but byChoice”) When we do choose to have faith, the outcome is so wonderful:

“Whenever we willingly act with faith in Jesus Christ and take another step, especially an uncomfortable step requiring change or repentance, we are blessed with strength.”- Elder Randall K. Bennett (Your NextStep)

Strength! Faith gives us strength. It gives us strength to overcome Satan and his temptations. And we will need that strength when our faith is tested by those loud and angry voices.

“…we might feel embarrassed, uncomfortable, or confused spiritually when we encounter a challenge to our faith. Generally, the intensity and duration of these feelings will depend upon our reaction to them. If we do nothing, doubt, pride, and eventually apostasy may drive us from the light.” - Elder Vern P. Stanfill

It is so important to not let that embarrassment, discomfort, and confusion weaken our faith. Just recently I was given some information about Brigham Young that was meant to do just that. I felt confused and frustrated that I didn’t have a response, I could not think of a way to defend him. In the end faith was the answer. It took all night to feel better; but after a long discussion with my husband and earnest prayer to my Heavenly Father, I felt comforted and at peace as I chose faith, and my personal faith was strengthened as a result.

I learned from that experience that it is ok to not have an answer ready for everything. And if you do have an answer, it’s ok to not share it. As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said:

 “…we believe in God because of things we know in our heart and mind, not because of things we do not know. Our spiritual experiences are sometimes too sacred to explain in worldly terms, but that doesn’t mean they are not real.”

I love that last part. Just because something is too sacred to discuss, does not make it any less important than the things that are being discussed. You know what you experienced, you know how it made you feel, and you know it was true. Leaving a conversation does not mean that you are weak or the loser of the argument or beaten down. Being simple and soft spoken does not mean you don’t know what you are talking about. Using faith as your answer does not mean you are brainwashed. It’s ok to talk like the Holy Ghost because that means you are letting Him guide you; and that is way more important than being heard through loud and angry voices.