My Personal Experience During the Ordain Women Movement

My very first blog post was about me defining myself as a woman and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. At the time there was a lot of hype about the Ordain Woman movement, and that included questions that the group was asking as well as questions non-members were asking because of that group; and that inspired me to define myself and share with the internet. Only 50 people read that post, and I’m pretty sure all of them were friends and family. But I did not start a blog to become a Matt Walsh or a Kathryn Skaggs (I actually enjoy the latter of those two), so that doesn’t bother me. I started a blog for a place to put down my thoughts, and I made it public so that whoever needed the same message would find it.

Anyway, it has been almost a year since I learned about and started following (from a distance) the Ordain Women movement; and I have changed and grown a lot since and so I want to share that change and growth. First, I want to explain why I am posting about this when the social media hype about this topic has died – for the moment, I’m sure it will start up again around the next General Conference when they plan something. The first reason is because I needed time to calm down and gather my thoughts. The second reason is because I know people are still talking about it amongst themselves; I have heard students on BYU campus, members in my ward and stake, and friends and family – and I have been apart of some of those conversations. This blog is not intended to attack OW or explain why they are wrong and I am right. The intent is to share my experiences and what I have learned along the way. So, here is my journey:

I first came across the OW movement when a friend of mine shared a blog post that she found titled “The Mormon feminist protest: And why I won’t be there.” You can tell simply by the title that the writer of that post does not agree with OW. I honestly thought that it was a great article. Any woman who read it hopefully felt empowered by those words and comfortable in their own skin. This post was published a month before the October 2013 General Conference, and during the month of September countless people – myself included – spread it around the Internet.

Now, that post taught me that a group of women were going to try to get into the Conference Center during the Priesthood Session the weekend of General Conference. On the outside I rolled my eyes and shook my head, but on the inside – I’ll admit – I was a little curious. While I didn’t want to go join them, I was curious to see why they thought what they did, and I was even more curious to see how this would play out: Would they be successful? Would they get in trouble? Was this a fad? Would they convince others? Would they convince me?

So I did some brief reading into what individual members of OW believe. At the time (Sep/Oct 2013) I understood it this way: Some people interpret specific scripture verses as well as quotes from modern day prophets that hint at women one day receiving the priesthood; however, whether that will be in this life or the next is not known. Some people interpret those same verses and quotes to mean that women will receive the priesthood in this life and they are hoping that the timing is now. Some people are using those same verses and quotes to demand the priesthood for women right now.

I have not studied the scriptures the way that these women have so I don’t really have a counter argument to any of the specific verses and quotes they are talking about. At the time, I didn’t really have an opinion one way or the other. I was trying to decide how I felt. For a brief moment I decided that I would only go with this if the Prophet lead the Church in that direction, because that would mean that it came from God. I thought that if it is going to happen it will happen on the Lord’s timing. As Conference drew nearer I thought about how I would feel if on Saturday morning, when President Monson makes his announcements, he said that women could start receiving the Priesthood. It was a weird feeling and I highly doubted that it would happen. But I still played what my dad calls “the what if game” with myself. What if women can receive the Priesthood? Will it be required? Or will it be like sister missionaries, where you can go if you want but it’s not the end of the world if you don’t? Will our temple recommends be void until we get through all of the levels of the Aronic Priesthood first? The more I thought about, the less I felt like it was going to happen, and the more I hoped it wouldn’t happen.

A week or two before the October Conference excerpts from a letter were posted online for all to see. It was addressed to the women who had requested tickets to the Priesthood session from the Church’s Spokeswoman. She said that tickets were reserved for boys and men ages 12 and older, just like tickets to the Relief Society General Meeting are reserved for women ages 18 and older. She then added that the Priesthood Session would be broadcasted live online or on BYUtv for anyone who did not get tickets.

I personally thought that was amazing. This was going to be the first time that the Priesthood Session would be broadcast anywhere but a Stake Center. Men and women would be able to watch it from their homes! I thought that it was great progress for the Church. While I have never felt unequal in the Church, I understand that other women have so I was hopeful that this change would be a step toward making those women feel better.

Two things stuck out to me during the October 2013 General Conference. The first was that President Monson did not announce that women would be receiving the Priesthood. The second was a talk by Sister Carole M. Stephens titled, “Do We Know What We Have?” As I was listening to the talk I got the message, “how can we be asking for more when we haven’t fulfilled 100% the other things we have been asked to do?” Now, I know she didn’t actually say anything like that, but that was the thought that came to my mind as I was listening. It was something that I personally needed to hear. Then, a month later as I read her speech in the Ensign I noticed that she was reminding us of what we already have and how we can and should use it. I chose her message to share with the sisters I visit teach that month.

I don’t remember any of the other talks from that Conference (I have a very young son who needed my attention), but I walked away from that Conference with the confirmation that women do not need to hold the priesthood and I was ok with that.

A few weeks after General Conference I was on BYU campus in one of the hallways waiting for my next class to start; I was trying to study when I picked up the contents of a conversation a few feet away from me: it was about OW. The sentence that stuck out to me was, “The Community of Christ gives women the Priesthood, they should just switch over to that Church.” OH MY GOODNESS, did I really just hear that? I forgot to pretend to be studying and actually looked up at that person in surprise and anger. How could someone say that? We should NEVER want others to leave the Church that we know to be true. We should NEVER push others away just because we have different viewpoints. At that point my view on the members of OW changed. I was no longer angry at those women who I didn’t know, I loved them as my sisters; and I wanted them to feel at peace in the Lord’s Church and to feel His love like I did.

The topic died down by December and the Internet jumped onto a new topic (gay marriage in Utah actually). But as April Conference was coming up, the OW topic started making its rounds again, because these women were once again going to try and get into the Priesthood session. This time the news was more heavily involved. My anger was rekindled because the news made the Church look like a bunch of sexist old men. It was so frustrating for me because I didn’t understand how someone could say they believe in the restored Gospel and then subject the Church to that kind of insult from the natural man news. Also during this time the Church spokeswoman sent out 2 or 3 wonderful public statements and letters about women and the priesthood and asking questions. To me they cleared many things up – things that I personally was not struggling with, but now I knew the right words to say to someone who was if the conversation came up.

A week before General Conference was the first ever General Women’s meeting. This meeting included women and girls ages 8 and up!!!!!! I wrote an entire blog post about that event. But to sum it up for this post, it was about unity among the Women of the Church. During that meeting I couldn’t help but think of  OW. We should not be pushing them away. We need to keep them united with us, and unite with them, as daughters of God.

Another thing that happened right before Conference was the announcement that the portraits of the General presidencies for Relief Society, Young Women and Primary would be placed in the Conference Center. This was done to show the representation of women in Church leadership. The articles that announced the putting up of these portraits also talked about how for some time auxiliary leaders have been meeting to see how they can meet the needs and hear the voices of the women in the Church. One example of this was lowering the female missionary age two years ago from 21 to 19 years old. Then during Conference someone on facebook pointed out that the RS, YW and Primary general presidencies were sitting behind the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve, instead of off to the side like they had been in the past. I LOVED that. I thought it was a great statement of the voice that women have the Church. With all of these public statements and the recognition of female leaders, I felt that the Church was trying very hard to give women a voice and show that they are valued.

The April Conference sessions were FULL of talks that either mentioned or were all about the priesthood. I'm going to list some that stood out to me (minus the General Women's Meeting because I already did a post on that):

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/saturday-afternoon-session/if-ye-love-me-keep-my-commandments?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/priesthood-session/the-keys-and-authority-of-the-priesthood?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/priesthood-session/what-manner-of-men?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2014/05/sunday-morning-session/love-the-essence-of-the-gospel?lang=eng

Of course there were more than that, if I didn't put one in that you like please put the link in the comments and tell us what you liked about it. :)

Once again after Conference I felt good about women not needing the priesthood. I felt like the topic could be put to rest. The general leaders of the Church had spoken – and if you believe that they speak for God as I do, then everything should be fine. I was wrong. Everything was not fine. In fact, people were abuzz with this topic from April until July of this year, both on and off the Internet.

Since most of my friends on social media took the General Conference addresses to mean that women will not be holders of the priesthood (though we will always have access to its blessings), their personal postings along with the blog posts they shared were along the lines of disagreeing with OW. While I agreed with every piece evidence that these posts used (scripture verses, doctrine, and quotes from Latter-Day leaders), there was an overall angry and negative tone to most of the posts. Of course I understood that anger, but I marveled at their ability to post it so blatantly for all to see. I did not believe we would be gaining any new supporters by the way our “side” was arguing its case.

Then I came across a blog post that reminded me of how members of the Church should be using social media: and that is for missionary work. (I cannot find the post to put the link here, if anyone knows what I am talking about please put the link in the comments!) I decided to take on this reminder and make sure that if I posted anything religious its content would bring others unto Christ, not continue the arguments that already plague the Internet. One way I have done is that if I post a status on my facebook on Sundays it is always sharing either a spiritual experience, scripture verse, or quote from a Church leader. Of course that doesn’t mean that one shouldn’t defend LDS Doctrine when needed; but I have found that when I use only my emotions I usually add to the anger, but when I take the time to calm down and use the Spirit, my comments are usually kinder and very few people continue to argue.

About a week or so after conference one of my “friends” shared a blog post about someone’s experience trying to get into the Priesthood session with OW. (I say “friend” because I knew them through my brother, but we don’t actually hang out on our own.) In sharing this blog her status talked about how she also went up to Salt Lake to try and get into the Priesthood session, and how it felt to be turned away. She then quoted Matthew 7:7-8 “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.” And then added that she believed that women would one day receive the priesthood and that she would continue to ask and knock until that happened. Then I read that blog post. I was absolutely shaking with fury by the time I was finished with it.

I thought of several comments that I wanted to type under that girl’s status:

“There is a difference between genuinely asking and knocking, and being a Martin Harris.”

“That scripture is about seeking Christ, not asking God to change His will to yours.”

“Did the author of this post go to the same General Women’s meeting that I did? Because the one I went to had three female speakers, one male speaker, a twelve year old girl say the opening prayer and a choir full of women of all ages. I did not go to a meeting where ‘male prophets and apostles tell me how to be a woman.’”

I promise I did not say any of those things. I turned off the computer and walked away so that I wouldn’t. I was so angry and hurt. Hurt over something a complete stranger had said. How could people like her do this? How could they say that they believed the Church was true and then turn around and say those horrible things for the whole world to read and spread around? Mormons are already ridiculed for worldly issues, and now we were being judged for something that was going on among the members! I stomped around my home trying to calm down. I started doing some laundry hoping that getting lost in work would do it. I found myself running into my room and literally felt a physical force push me down onto my knees. I started praying, and immediately felt this heavy anger lift off of my shoulders, which was replaced by a warm comforting embrace. I’m not going to share the details of that prayer because it is very personal. What I am going to share is that I walked away no longer angry with those women. I really felt for them, and I wanted them to be able to feel peace and love from our Heavenly Father and from their fellow brothers and sisters in the Church. And I still want that for them. I want that for anyone who is struggling with doubt or questions, or any other trial.

I thought about blog posts and comments differently after that. I tried to understand what, in these women’s lives, had led them to think that receiving the priesthood was the only way to have a voice and be equal in our Church. And I noticed a pattern. Most of the ones I read had gone through several experiences where they felt like their voices were not heard. One example is I read the story of a young woman who didn’t enjoy her YW activities or Personal Progress because they didn’t fit her interests. I thought back to my own YW experience; and mine was quite different. My YW leaders let the girls plan the activities, and made sure that everyone’s interests were met throughout the year. Also, I would get permission to change the Personal Progress experiences to fit what I wanted as long as it still fit with the specified value. As I compared my experience with hers, I wonder if part of the issue is that these experiences can and should be fixed on a local level, without running to the First Presidency. I’m not trying to blame any one person, but I think that maybe both sides should be more open to communication and compromise. (An that actually goes along with the public letter from the Church spokeswoman about how questions and concerns are welcome.)

One example of such communication is my mom’s recent experience as an Activity Days leader. My mom is over the 8 year old girls along with another woman in her ward. One day the girls asked my mom why the cub scouts get a pinewood derby and they don’t. My mom asked them if they would like to have an Activity Days pinewood derby, and they said yes. So my mom planned a pinewood derby for the Activity Days girls. They spent time together designing their cars, working on them, painting them, and then they had a race where their families were invited. My mom said that the girls had a lot of fun and really enjoyed themselves. My mom could have said, “That’s not part of the Activity Days schedule.” But she didn’t. She listened to them and did what they wanted.

Now I realize that some individuals go through bigger issues than what kind of activities the different organizations in the Church do. This is just one example about open communication.

When it came to social media there wasn’t much of a break before OW was back in the news. This time it was because their founder and leader had been called to present herself at a disciplinary council in her stake, where everyone knew she would probably be excommunicated. I had a lot of feelings going on as people voiced her opinions online and the news told only OW’s side of the story. The most shocking comments were the ones that said things like, “What did she expect? She should have seen this coming!” I realize that people were angry. I definitely had moments of anger too, but I knew that voicing them online was not going to be effective. (I did twice: one was a good experience, the other not so much.) It was like this triumph of comments, and it honestly did not make me feel good. I felt bad for Kate Kelly, and I sincerely hope that she can feel God’s love and comfort and find her way back. Shortly after Kate’s excommunication she told the rest of OW to stay in the Church. I think that is very telling, and I hope she meant it and that the other members of OW choose to stay.

The time coming up to her disciplinary council and the aftermath of her excommunication people were talking about it. My son is at a very active age, but not yet in nursery, so I spend a lot of Relief Society time out in the hall with him. There is a group of 3 or 4 people from the ward who meets before us who are usually down the hall visiting at this time. During the summer months every time I was out in the hall, those people were talking about OW, and every time I heard the same thing, “Why don’t they just start their own Church?” I could not believe my ears. Why would anyone who has a testimony of the Gospel encourage others to leave? Once again I would like to remind you of the theme of the General Women’s meeting: UNITY. Telling people to leave who disagree is not unity. In fact, on one of those Sundays, another woman from my ward was also out in the hall when this conversation was going on. At one point I believe she couldn’t take it anymore (she didn’t actually say anything to me) and she let out a huge sigh and stomped into the Relief Society room. That’s exactly what I was afraid that kind of talk would do. It’s going to hurt feelings in a time where we all need love.

So, why haven’t these women converted over to the Community of Christ or start their own Church? Because the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God. These women know it or they would already be gone. I believe that the fact that they are still here after not getting into the Priesthood session twice, being attacked on social media (granted they have done their share of attacking, neither “side” is innocent), and dealing with the excommunication of their leader shows that they still have faith in the Lord’s Church. Both “sides” need to be reminded that we belong to the same Church, that we worship the same God, and that we are all brothers and sisters who need to love and comfort each other.

As I look back over my personal experience with this movement I have noticed a pattern: I get angry, and then my heart is softened, I get angry, and then my heart is softened. I believe this movement has tested everyone’s faith in some way – and not just the 400 or so women involved. While it didn’t test my faith in the doctrine or leaders of the Church, it tested my ability to control my anger and to not judge. There were times where I failed miserably and there were time where I overcame it. I’m still not perfect. And that’s the beauty of the Atonement. It’s there to help us when we need comfort, when we fall below expectations, and when we need to repent. I know I will continue to be tested in this area when it comes to judging and controlling my temper, but I plan on learning from this experience and will hopefully do better with the next one. I don’t know what OW has planned for the future, but for me, it’s over. I think it should be that way for everyone else too. No more, “Why Kate Kelly is wrong” posts. Let’s love these sisters and bring them back into the fold.

What have you experienced in the past year with regards to OW? Have you been tested in anyway? Do you have any suggestions on how to show love towards these women? You may answer in the comments, or you can keep it to yourself. But at least answer the questions, especially the last one. God loves each and every one of us, we are His children, and He wants His children to love each other the way that He loves them.

A Prayer in the Heart - Being in Tune with the Spirit

“Have a prayer in your heart.” I have grown up hearing that phrase, and I always thought I knew what that meant. I figured that it was simply when I was in a position where I needed or wanted to pray, but literally couldn’t get down on my knees, bow my head and close my eyes – like driving a car – so I say a prayer inside my heart. I think that is it in its basic form, but I have recently experienced some deeper meanings to having a prayer in my heart.

I think – a lot. And I have conversations with myself – a lot. Especially when something really big is being discussed or considered controversial. I usually do not jump into the conversations and argue with strangers – or even friends and family. But I do pay attention. I read, I listen, and then I struggle internally. Sometimes my struggle is that after everything I have read and heard, I still am unsure on which “side” I believe or agree with; I understand aspects on both “sides.” Other times, my struggle is that I know what I believe, but I don’t know how to state that belief or defend it in the correct way. It is at these moments that a thought will enter my mind, and everything I was struggling with is perfectly clear. And I’m always like, “Oh my gosh, why did I not think of this before?!” And then I realize that it’s not me finally being brilliant, it’s God answering my questions and calming my struggles. He’s answering the prayer that was in my heart; responding to my desperate search for answers.

As I have had these experiences and studied this topic, I have learned a lot about prayer. The first is that Heavenly Father wants us to converse with him constantly. Alma 34:27 says, “Yea, and when you do not cry unto the Lord, let your heats be full, drawn out in prayer unto him continually for your welfare, and also for the welfare of those who are around you.” And D&C 19:28 says, “And again, I command the that thou shalt pray vocally as well as in thy heart; yea, before the world as well as in secret, in public as well as in private.”

lds.org gives us an example of how we can do this, “Although we cannot be continuously on our knees, always offering a personal, private prayer, we can let our hearts be ‘full, drawn out in prayer unto [God] continually’ (Alma 34:27). Throughout each day, we can maintain a constant feeling of love for our Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son. We can silently express gratitude to our Father and ask Him to strengthen us in our responsibilities. In times of temptation or physical danger, we can silently ask for His help.”

The second thing I have learned is that we need to use the Spirit when we pray. Romans 8:26 says, “Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.”

A couple years ago while visiting teaching, my companion said that she had been taught to pause every once in a while during prayer and listen to the Spirit to guide her what to say. I started doing that and have noticed how much my prayers have changed in how personal they are and how I talk to Heavenly Father. When I use the Spirit in my prayers I feel like I am having a conversation with Heavenly Father and I find it easier to listen to and accept the answers I am given.

Which leads into the third thing I have learned, and that is how Heavenly Father answers our prayers. In a June 2014 Ensign article by Elder Richard G. Scott (Agency and Answers: Recognizing Revelation) we are told how Heavenly Father answers our prayers:

“When He answers yes, it is to give us confidence. When He answers no, it is to prevent error. When He withholds an answer, it is to have us grow through faith in Him, obedience to His commandments, and a willingness to act on truth. We are expected to assume accountability by acting on a decision that is consistent with His teachings without prior confirmation.” – pg. 50

“He will confirm the correctness of our choices His way. That confirmation generally comes through packets of help found along the way. We discover them by being spiritually sensitive. They are like notes from a loving Father as evidence of His approval. If, in trust, we begin something that is not right, He will let us know before we have gone too far. We sense that help by recognizing troubled or uneasy feelings.” – pg. 50

I have found this to be true. The most common one I experience is where I have to do my own research, study and actions before I receive an answer from Him. And along the way I feel little moments of guidance that tell me, “yes, go this way” or “no, stop doing that.” And I truly get a “yes” or a “no” once I have done all that I can and present my “findings” to Him through prayer. One recent experience of this was I felt like I wanted to pursue a certain route and I was unsure of where to begin. So I started researching, but I didn’t like any of the sources that I was coming across. I talked to my husband about it and I could tell that he was not comfortable with the idea. I then went to Heavenly Father in prayer; I went to bed as confused as ever, but when I woke up in the morning my mind was clear and I realized that I did not need to pursue that at the moment and I was better off doing other things.

Elder Scott also reminds us to accept the answer when it is “no”: “Heavenly Father hears our prayers. He may not always answer as we expect, but He does answer—in His own time and according to His will. Because He knows what is best for us, He may sometimes answer no, even when our petitions are sincere.”

I have recently twice had the answer to my prayer be “no,” and I had to find a way to accept that. I’ll admit I really struggled accepting that. The first “no” I was able to quickly accept as I found a new “solution” that became a “yes.” The second “no” I am still unsure what to do with. I have had moments of feeling helpless and heart broken, but I have also felt comfort and love from Heavenly Father and those feelings overpower the negative ones. During this process I have been reminded to focus on my immediate family – my husband, my son and myself – and that has pointed me back to the straight and narrow and I got back to being happy again. That is the key to accepting the “no” answers, keeping Heavenly Father and your family close. And we keep Him close by being in tune with the Spirit having a prayer in our hearts.

And the fourth thing I have learned is to pray to learn God’s will, not to receive a specific desired outcome. This goes along with using the Spirit when we pray. When the purpose of our prayers are to ask for His will, then the answers He sends are easier to hear and accept. But when the purpose of our prayers is to find a specific answer we have in mind, then we can accidently block out the Spirit and we won’t hear the answer because we will be so intent on trying to find our desired outcome. I’m not saying that you can’t hope for a specific answer, but when your desired outcome is the only answer you will accept, then you run into a problem. Elder Scott said it more simply:

“Sometimes answers to prayer are not recognized because we are too intent on wanting confirmation of our own desires. We fail to see that the lord would have us do something else. Be careful to see His will.” – pg. 51

This is why using the Spirit when we pray is so important, because he will always guide us to say our feelings and then ask God what His will is. And when that happens, the Lord will answer. I promise He will answer. Sometimes He literally gives me an answer in my heart and mind, and sometimes He leads me to something (a talk, a person, a scripture verse, etc.) that I haven’t yet found that gives me an answer. And as I have become more in tune with His Spirit, I don’t have to struggle so hard and so long on my own before I feel his guidance.

I know that He is there, I know that He hears you, and I know that He will answer.

So, what are your personal experiences with prayer? What have you learned about Heavenly Father, the Spirit, and yourself from prayer? How have your prayers been answered? If you don't want to share with anyone else, at least write it down in your journal or on your computer, somewhere. Recording your thoughts is so refreshing. And remember: Heavenly Father loves you and He will answer.