Opposites attract, and that's okay, right?

Almost every morning, I read a chapter in the scriptures and an article in The Ensign while I eat my breakfast. Recently, I read an article titled "Choosing Whom to Marry" by Scott R. Braithwaite, who is an Associate Professor of Psychology at BYU. Since I am already married, I didn't think the article would teach me much, but I still read it because I read each issue of The Ensign cover to cover.

Professor Braithwaite has studied divorce predictors. One such predictor stood out to me:

"Do birds of a feather flock together, or do opposites attract? That is, do people have healthier marriages if they are similar to one another or if they have differences that complement and balance out areas of weakness? Answers to questions about people are often complex, but in this case there is a clear answer: the more alike two people are, the more stable and satisfying their marriage. “Birds of a feather” for the win!"

I consider Gerson and I opposites that attracted each other. Gerson's strengths are math and science, while mine are history and English. I was a competitive ballroom dancer, and he was a video gamer when we met. I'm a bookworm, and Gerson hates reading. There are very few movies and TV Shows that we both like, and we do not like the same music at all. In fact, one of the biggest fights we had before we got married was about the musical groups Tool and The Backstreet Boys. On top of all of that, Gerson and I grew up in different cultures, and spoke different languages at home.

So when I read the above paragraph, I felt frustrated. No, I don't think Gerson and I will ever get divorced  - we are not even close to going down that road; but I felt like I had to defend my marriage to myself.

Professor Braithwaite goes on to explain that the reason why couples who are similar have easier marriages is because they are able to spend more time and energy on enriching their relationship rather than reconciling differences. At this point I wrote in the margins, "How opposite is opposite?" The next sentence in the article answered my question, "This principle is especially important when it comes to matters of faith."

Okay, so Gerson and I are actually fine! Both of us wanted a temple marriage. Both of us had similar goals and ideas about children and how to raise them. Both of us have the goal of reaching the Celestial Kingdom. Yes, we do have some minor differences in our way of living our religion, but we are committed to each other, and having the same big goals along with our commitment makes working through minor differences easier and worth it.

The rest of the article I felt validated my marriage to Gerson. Professor Braithwaite recommended that people stop looking for their soul mate, because soul mates don't exist. I do agree to a point. I have never believed that there is only one person for each of us. What if there was and the one person meant for you made choices that led them away from you? That wouldn't be fair to you.

However, I do believe that Gerson and I knew each other in the preexistance, and had a close relationship. I believe that our spirits recognized each other when we met, because the pull I felt towards Gerson was not immediately physical, but spiritual. I know that's not the same thing as a soul mate though.

Professor Braithwaite wrote that we choose our spouse. Gerson and I definitely chose each other. There were a few outside forces that did not want to support our relationship, but we were committed and didn't let those forces win. We still are committed.

Professor Braithwaite also suggests that instead of creating a list of the ideal partner, we develop the attributes ourselves that we would want our spouse to have. I never had a list, which I'm sure helped me fall in love with Gerson so quickly and easily. I have always loved him for who he is, not who I want him to be.

At the end of the article I wrote, "Gerson and I are similar in the important things, and opposite in the less important things." Have some of our opposites created roadblocks in our marriage? Absolutely. But we had already decided that we were committed to each other. We love each other way too much to let his video gaming or my desire to bring dance back into my life every once in a while (among our other opposites) break up our family. Two years ago our marriage was really tested, and we got through it and came out on top! We are stronger because of it.

I'm sure other people didn't overanalyze this article the way that I did. But I think that marriage advice is a lot like parenting advice: you accept the pieces that fit with your family, and shrug off the ones that don't. I sometimes feel the need to validate my marriage because I'm scared of others judging my marriage. That's simply an insecurity that I am dealing with. But I know that I don't need to feel that way, and I'm working on not being so self conscious about how other people view my family.

Gerson and I are two opposites who fell in love and got married. And despite our opposites, we are in a happy, loving, and stable marriage.

Potty Training 101 and 202

Both Benjamin and Luna are potty trained, and have been for a while. (Yay!) The overlap time of both Benjamin and Luna being in diapers was six months; Luna and Lily: 2 months. (We are making progress!) Benjamin was 3 years old when he was ready to potty train, Luna was 2.5. I'm not comparing in a negative way. Each child is different, and needs different things. I knew that Luna would potty train differently than Benjamin, but I was not prepared for - and very pleasantly surprised by - how vastly different the experience would be.

Benjamin was not interested in pull ups. I tried putting him in pull ups and taking him to the bathroom on a timer. He screamed and fought me, and refused to sit on the little toilet. A friend suggested that I skip pull ups during the day and go straight to underwear. It was dramatic at first. Benjamin cried every time he went in his underwear. That motivated him to hold it until he could get to a toilet, and he was willing to do the whole timer thing (20 mins., 30 mins., 1 hr., then no timer). We had a bag of dum-dum suckers under the sink, and Benjamin got one every time he went potty or poop in the toilet.

Benjamin caught on to going potty in the toilet within a few weeks, but it took much longer for him to go poop in the toilet. Once he consistently went potty without very many accidents, he stopped getting suckers for going potty, but continued getting suckers if he pooped in the toilet. His ability to tell me when he needed to go to the bathroom at home did not transfer to out in public, because he was so distracted. So he wore pull ups out in public vs. underwear at home for several months. He also slept in pull ups for a year before he was able to sleep in underwear.

The whole process was longer than I imagined, but that's not a bad thing. He eventually got there!

Luna was the complete opposite. She trained herself in 3 days! Like Benjamin, Luna was not interested in going potty in the toilet when she was wearing pull ups. Her first day in underwear, she went by herself  - without telling me until after - in the toilet by dinner time! The second day was like a restart; accidents in the morning, and perfection by dinner. By day 3, she had it down. She didn't need or want the timer. She did, however want the sucker every time she went potty. 😉

Benjamin got a sucker too every time Luna went potty, so he was always encouraging her to go potty. She got it down so quickly, though, that after a week I told them no more suckers, except for poop. It took her about a month to get comfortable going poop in the toilet. She also was sleeping in her underwear within the first month of potty training. She still had accidents every once in a while, but her accidents were so scarce, that I would say her actual potty training time was about a week. She went out  in public in underwear by the end of the first month as well. This girl was simply amazing!

I have zero expectations for Lily. We'll just see what her needs are when the time comes. I did not train Benjamin "wrong," nor did I train Luna "right." Every kid is different. It's trial and error. Figure out what their needs are, what matches their personality, and when you do, forget everything else.