Stay-at-home-mom depression is a real thing. To my [Google search] knowledge, physicians don’t diagnose it under that terminology; but enough women struggle with it, that it is something. Gerson “diagnosed” me with it towards the end of the summer of 2016 when Luna was almost a year old, and I had been a SAHM for a little over a year as well.
It was one in the morning, and while crying, I told Gerson that I wasn’t happy. He started crying too and asked, “Is our marriage in trouble?”
I struggled to tell him I felt like the walls of our home were caving in on me. The tiniest problem with Benjamin or Luna could send me into a crying mess - and those breakdowns had no rhyme or reason. They just happened at the most random times. We went to sleep without a solution; only with the fervent promise that I absolutely was NOT considering a divorce.
The next day, I called my mom and told her about the previous night’s conversation. We used to go on a date once a month and had already gone on a date for that month. My mom told me to tell Gerson that she wanted to have the kids come over for dinner and sleep over. That way we could go to dinner and have the night to do whatever or talk about whatever we needed to.
That night, Gerson said, “I think being a SAHM makes you depressed.”
I tried looking for part time teaching jobs. I found one opening to teach ESL in the evenings. I really wanted to apply, but Gerson didn’t like the idea of us basically handing off the kids in between jobs. That’s how I had done college courses for my final two years after Benjamin was born, and it wasn’t fun. We rarely got to eat dinner as a family. Part time teaching jobs during the day didn’t pay enough for daycare to be worth it. If we financially needed it, we would make that sacrifice; but we didn’t need me to work. I wanted to work.
Over the next few years, I tried other methods to find happiness. We increased date nights to once a week. We also added a reading night once a week; where I read out loud for about an hour. So far, we have read the Harry Potter series, Born a Crime by Trevor Noah, and are currently on the Twilight series. My kids sleepover at my parents’ once a week during the summer, and once a month during the school year. And once a year we go on a couple’s trip, while my parents take the kids. I also made some mom friends, and we would do girls’ night once a week. (Which no longer happens, because we all moved too far away from each other in the last 18 months.)
All of those things helped, but as they became part of my normal routine, they eventually weren’t enough. I still love doing all of those things, and giving them up would devastate me, but I needed more.
More came from VIPKID in March 2018. In the beginning, it was perfect. Teaching part time, early in the morning while the rest of my family slept. I didn’t have to get a babysitter or hand off the kids to Gerson while we switched working hours. It made me happy, and I felt fulfilled.
Two years later, at the beginning of a worldwide pandemic, I was burned out with VIPKID. I’m sure it didn’t help that after teaching my students, I had to turn around and teach my children. But the real issue was that I wanted normal working hours, and I wanted to be in charge of my own lesson and unit plans. VIPKID lessons are already made by someone else, and the teachers have to follow them exactly. I also really missed history. I hadn’t taught history since my student teaching semester in 2015.
Throughout the four years between 2016 and 2020, I continued to have frequent mental breakdowns. Yes, parenting young kids is stressful. Yes, it’s okay to cry. But I always felt an overwhelming sense of guilt afterwards for acting like that in front of my children, and even more guilt that my children were the cause.
As I took part in online forums and talked with other moms, I came across so many that felt the same. The advice?
“It will pass. As they get older, it will get easier.”
“Enjoy every minute. You will actually miss this when they are grown.”
I must be a different breed of mom, because that did not help. Lily was still a baby and I was already counting down until she went to school so that I could start my career. Benjamin is old enough that I think I can look back at his baby days and decide if I miss it. I don’t. I enjoy the memories, but I don’t miss it. I don’t wish I could turn back the clock and have him be a baby again. I’ve always been that way. I like time moving forward. I don’t wish I could relive high school or college or the childfree years of my marriage. I enjoy the memories from those times, but I don’t miss them or wish I was still living them.
In May 2020, Gerson was let go from his job. He was one of the 38 million Americans that would be unemployed by the end of June. I started applying to teaching jobs that day. We spent the summer of 2020 racing each other [for fun] to see who would get hired first. As I applied to teaching positions and prepared for interviews, I became excited. This wasn’t because tragedy had struck my family and I had to - though that was the motivating push. I wasn’t begrudgingly applying for jobs, just in case Gerson didn’t get a new job fast enough. I wanted this. And I decided quickly that regardless of what kind of job Gerson got, I was going to work too. I was done being a SAHM. I wanted to have a career.
At the end of July, I was hired to teach 10th grade U.S. History for a small online charter school. I spent the month of August creating unit and lesson plans, and began teaching at the end of the month. I loved it immediately. I feel happy and fulfilled. I enjoy providing for my family in this way while contributing to society as a teacher.
Around November, I realized that I had not had a mental breakdown or cried since getting hired. Yes, I had work stress, but I didn’t feel like the walls of my home were caving in on me. Issues like my children refusing to clean up, or emptying an entire box of cereal onto the floor (both have happened recently) no longer sent me into a crying episode. Yes, I still get frustrated, but it is no longer the type of hysteria that it used to be.
I truly believe that working full time is the primary factor in this emotional change.
So, if you are struggling with the stay-at-home-parent life, and the well intentioned “it will get easier” and “you’ll miss this one day” is not helping, ask yourself the following questions:
Do I have a career goal?
Do I wish I was in that career right now?
Is it possible for me to start right now?
Is the stigma of my kids going to a babysitter/daycare the only thing holding me back?
Granted, my kids aren’t going to a babysitter/daycare. Gerson is currently doing school online as he goes through a career change. However, as soon as he also gets a job, our younger kids will go to a babysitter or daycare, and I do not feel guilty about that one bit.
Working full time has given me the opportunity to appreciate family time differently. I don’t miss my kids while I’m working, but I enjoy them after work. Bedtime has been pushed back an hour so that we can spend time together. I have also moved my house cleaning from Saturdays to Fridays nights so that we can just enjoy each other on Saturdays.
Even though it took a global pandemic to get me into my career, I’m glad that I’m here. I’m happy. I’m healthy. I’m me.
