Hearing those two men condemn sexual assault made me think about my own experiences. Especially what I know now that I didn't know then, that would have helped during the emotional and psychological aftermath.
I have been sexually assaulted three times in my life, one of those times does not apply to the focus of this post, so I won't be talking about it. The other two happened when I was 14 years old and again at 17 years old. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail nor am I going to name the young men, because that is not what I want to focus on. I want to talk about the lack of knowledge, support, and help surrounding the assault.
I have healed from the assaults, and I have forgiven the - at the time - young men who harmed me. Although I have forgiven, I will not forget these experiences, because looking at them with more knowledgeable eyes has influenced how and what I teach my children.
When I was 14, I went on a summer study abroad trip to Australia and New Zealand. While on that trip a boy a year older than me touched me inappropriately. I told one of the girls in my group; her response: "That's not a big deal. I've let guys touch me like that before." I didn't tell anyone else after that. I had bad dreams related to the incident for about a year afterwards.
What I knew at the time:
- The way he touched me was against the law of chastity.
- He wasn't LDS, so he didn't know anything about the law of chastity.
What I did not know at the time:
- Because I did not consent, the way he touched me is considered sexual assault and is against the law.
- Just because some people are OK with that kind of physical touch, does not mean society should expect all people to be - You see, the way that girl responded made me feel like I was overreacting. I thought that my discomfort in being touched like that was because of my religious upbringing, so I didn't tell any of the adult leaders because I was only one of two LDS people on the trip.
When I was 17, a guy that I let kiss me touched me inappropriately. I told him no, he didn't listen. I tried to physically push him away, he still didn't listen. I went to my bishop to confess and repent (I incorrectly thought that because I had consented to the kiss, I was responsible for everything that happened after). My bishop recognized what had happened, and instead of banning me from taking the sacrament and taking away my temple recommend (two things I thought would happen), he invited and encouraged me to go on my ward's youth temple trip the following week, and he recommended that I not spend time with that particular boy again - something I was more than happy to agree to do. I struggled with anxiety and depression for the next several months.
What I knew at the time:
- The way that boy touched me was against the law of chastity.
- He was LDS, but thought that sex was the only sin that broke the law of chastity, so he did not think that he did anything wrong.
What I did not know at the time:
- Because I did not consent, the way he touched me is considered sexual assault and is against the law.
- Consenting to the kiss did not make me responsible for him not respecting when I did not consent other stuff.
- I did not sin.
The reason I am talking about this now is because I believe that when I was a teenager, the youth were not taught enough about sexual assault and how it affects them as innocent children of God. Growing up, the law of chastity was taught in a very one sided way: it's all up to me to make sure that I don't do those things, and that I don't let anyone do those things to me. I was not taught that I was not responsible for boys/men's thoughts, words, and actions. I was not taught that if someone touched me without my consent, it is against the law. Now, I still love and respect my youth leaders, I do not think they sent me those confusing messages on purpose. I think they were just following what was in the lesson manuals, and examples from their own pasts.
I also want to take this moment to explain that my parents tried very hard to teach me self worth. I do not think that they failed me. When I was 13 years old and started attending co-ed events, my Dad told me that if a boy ever made me uncomfortable with his attention, to call him and he would come get me no matter where I was and no matter what time it was. Of course, neither of us anticipated that the time I would need him was when I was halfway around the world.
"Parents can begin teaching children to have proper attitudes toward their bodies when children are very young. Talking to children frankly but reverently and using the correct names for the parts and functions of their bodies will help them grow up without unnecessary embarrassment about their bodies.
Children are naturally curious. They want to know how their bodies work. They want to know where babies come from. If parents answer all such questions immediately and clearly so children can understand, children will continue to take their questions to their parents. However, if parents answer questions so that children feel embarrassed, rejected, or dissatisfied, they will probably go to someone else with their questions and perhaps get incorrect ideas and improper attitudes.
It is not wise or necessary, however, to tell children everything at once. Parents need only give them the information they have asked for and can understand. While answering these questions, parents can teach children the importance of respecting their bodies and the bodies of others. Parents should teach children to dress modestly. They should correct the false ideas and vulgar language that children learn from others.
By the time children reach maturity, parents should have frankly discussed procreation with them. Children should understand that these powers are good and were given to us by the Lord. He expects us to use them within the bounds He has given us."
I have tried very hard to follow this counsel as I have potty trained my kids, as I have bathed them, and as they have asked questions. I do think that when it comes to how much a parent teaches their child at a given age is up to the discretion of the parent. We know what our individual children can understand and handle, and so I don't think there is a set-in-stone rule on what to teach our children at what age. There are just general guidelines to give parents an idea. Without going into too much detail, Benjamin and Luna know the proper names for their own and the opposite genders body parts. They have been taught the basics of breastfeeding. They know what pads, panty liners, and tampons are (the joys of living in a 1 bathroom apartment). They have a very surface level understanding of how Lily was born, and they know that they grew inside my body before they were born.
We have a rule in my family: You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. It's kind of wordy, but it's the words my kids currently understand. It applies to everything: physical touch, toys, make believe, eating. It applies to everyone: Benjamin, Luna, Mom, Dad, Lily, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Michael, friends, etc. My kids are being taught to respect the word No. They are also being taught that the word "stop," angry screaming, and crying are other ways to communicate "No." This is how I am teaching the basics of consent to my children.
Here are two frequent examples:
Benjamin wants Luna to play in their room, Luna wants to play in the living room. Benjamin grabs Luna's hand and tries to pull her into their room. Luna screams. I intervene and tell Benjamin that he cannot make Luna do something that she does not want to do. I ask Luna where she wants to play, she answers the living room. I tell Benjamin that Luna is going to play in the living room, he can play in their bedroom. When they both want to play in the same room, they can play together again. Depending on the day, sometimes B&L play on their own in separate rooms, sometimes Benjamin stays in the living room, and sometimes Luna eventually joins him in their room. But the main point is neither one of them can make the other play where they don't want to.
Luna wants to kiss everyone before her nap. Benjamin went through a time where he did not want to kiss her goodnight. Luna would scream and try to make him. I would tell her, "You cannot make Benjamin do something he does not want to do." She would ask him for a hug, and he would agree to hug her goodnight.
In all incidents like the two examples above, my children are taught that they cannot force someone to do something they don't want to do; and at the same time they are being taught that they cannot be forced to do something they don't want to do. They are allowed to say no, and defend themselves.
I am not perfect. There have been times where I don't like how I responded to something my kids did or said. But, just like we teach kids it's ok for them to make mistakes, it's also ok for parents to make mistakes; as long as we correct them. I do believe that I am on the right path with my kids in teaching them about their bodies. I hope that we continue with a good relationship so that they continue to ask me questions and believe the answers I give them.
Back to the incident in which I went to my bishop, I told one person before I went. I didn't go into detail, I just said that I had to talk to the bishop. They asked why, but I wouldn't tell them. They told me that they were disappointed in me. That made me cry. I'm not mad at that person. I love them, and I know they love me. I believe they were trying to teach me the seriousness of what they thought had happened; but I was refusing to talk. If I had told them, who knows where the conversation would have gone. I have learned from that, and if/when it's my own kids I want to handle the situation differently. If they don't want to tell me, I am going to respect that, but I will not tell them that I am disappointed in them. I will try to use the Spirit to say something like, "I will not make you tell me, but I want you to know that you can tell me and I will listen without judgment. I will love you and comfort you. I hope that you have a good talk with the bishop and that you can feel the Spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I encourage you to listen for inspiration on what to do to move forward."
Based on conversations with other parents who have children my age, I have faith and hope that this upcoming generation of youth will have a better understanding of chastity, repentance, forgiveness, and consent; and how those principles work together. I have faith and hope that we can raise some pretty amazing stripling warriors for the last days.
