Nonconsensual Immorality, What I Wish I Had Known

In a recent general conference, Elder Quentin L. Cook condemned rape, sexual assault, etc; and put it all under one term: nonconsensual immorality.  He said, "It is commendable that nonconsensual immorality has been exposed and denounced. Such nonconsensual immorality is against the laws of God and society."  Elder Devin G. Durrant shared something his dad said, "You have strong hands, son. I hope your hands always have the strength to never touch a young lady inappropriately."

Hearing those two men condemn sexual assault made me think about my own experiences. Especially what I know now that I didn't know then, that would have helped during the emotional and psychological aftermath.

I have been sexually assaulted three times in my life, one of those times does not apply to the focus of this post, so I won't be talking about it. The other two happened when I was 14 years old and again at 17 years old. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail nor am I going to name the young men, because that is not what I want to focus on. I want to talk about the lack of knowledge, support, and help surrounding the assault.

I have healed from the assaults, and I have forgiven the - at the time - young men who harmed me. Although I have forgiven, I will not forget these experiences, because looking at them with more knowledgeable eyes has influenced how and what I teach my children.

When I was 14, I went on a summer study abroad trip to Australia and New Zealand. While on that trip a boy a year older than me touched me inappropriately. I told one of the girls in my group; her response: "That's not a big deal. I've let guys touch me like that before." I didn't tell anyone else after that. I had bad dreams related to the incident for about a year afterwards.

What I knew at the time:

• The way he touched me was against the law of chastity.
• He wasn't LDS, so he didn't know anything about the law of chastity.

What I did not know at the time:

• Because I did not consent, the way he touched me is considered sexual assault and is against the law.
• Just because some people are OK with that kind of physical touch, does not mean society should expect all people to be - You see, the way that girl responded made me feel like I was overreacting. I thought that my discomfort in being touched like that was because of my religious upbringing, so I didn't tell any of the adult leaders because I was only one of two LDS people on the trip.

When I was 17, a guy that I let kiss me touched me inappropriately. I told him no, he didn't listen. I tried to physically push him away, he still didn't listen. I went to my bishop to confess and repent (I incorrectly thought that because I had consented to the kiss, I was responsible for everything that happened after). My bishop recognized what had happened, and instead of banning me from taking the sacrament and taking away my temple recommend  (two things I thought would happen), he invited and encouraged me to go on my ward's youth temple trip the following week, and he recommended that I not spend time with that particular boy again - something I was more than happy to agree to do. I struggled with anxiety and depression for the next several months.

What I knew at the time:

• The way that boy touched me was against the law of chastity.
• He was LDS, but thought that sex was the only sin that broke the law of chastity, so he did not think that he did anything wrong.

What I did not know at the time:

• Because I did not consent, the way he touched me is considered sexual assault and is against the law.
• Consenting to the kiss did not make me responsible for him not respecting when I did not consent other stuff.
• I did not sin.

The reason I am talking about this now is because I believe that when I was a teenager, the youth were not taught enough about sexual assault and how it affects them as innocent children of God. Growing up, the law of chastity was taught in a very one sided way: it's all up to me to make sure that I don't do those things, and that I don't let anyone do those things to me. I was not taught that I was not responsible for boys/men's thoughts, words, and actions. I was not taught that if someone touched me without my consent, it is against the law. Now, I still love and respect my youth leaders, I do not think they sent me those confusing messages on purpose. I think they were just following what was in the lesson manuals, and examples from their own pasts.

I also want to take this moment to explain that my parents tried very hard to teach me self worth. I do not think that they failed me. When I was 13 years old and started attending co-ed events, my Dad told me that if a boy ever made me uncomfortable with his attention, to call him and he would come get me no matter where I was and no matter what time it was. Of course, neither of us anticipated that the time I would need him was when I was halfway around the world.

In the Church published lesson manual Gospel Principles, the chapter on Chastity (Ch. 39) teaches parents how to teach their children about their bodies, the law of chastity, and procreation:

"Parents can begin teaching children to have proper attitudes toward their bodies when children are very young. Talking to children frankly but reverently and using the correct names for the parts and functions of their bodies will help them grow up without unnecessary embarrassment about  their bodies.

Children are naturally curious. They want to know how their bodies work. They want to know where babies come from. If parents answer all such questions immediately and clearly so children can understand, children will continue to take their questions to their parents. However, if parents answer questions so that children feel embarrassed, rejected, or dissatisfied, they will probably go to someone else with their questions and perhaps get incorrect ideas and improper attitudes.

It is not wise or necessary, however, to tell children everything at once. Parents need only give them the information they have asked for and can understand. While answering these questions, parents can teach children the importance of respecting their bodies and the bodies of others. Parents should teach children to dress modestly. They should correct the false ideas and vulgar language that children learn from others.

By the time children reach maturity, parents should have frankly discussed procreation with them. Children should understand that these powers are good and were given to us by the Lord. He expects us to use them within the bounds He has given us."

I have tried very hard to follow this counsel as I have potty trained my kids, as I have bathed them, and as they have asked questions. I do think that when it comes to how much a parent teaches their child at a given age is up to the discretion of the parent. We know what our individual children can understand and handle, and so I don't think there is a set-in-stone rule on what to teach our children at what age. There are just general guidelines to give parents an idea. Without going into too much detail, Benjamin and Luna know the proper names for their own and the opposite genders body parts. They have been taught the basics of breastfeeding. They know what pads, panty liners, and tampons are (the joys of living in a 1 bathroom apartment). They have a very surface level understanding of how Lily was born, and they know that they grew inside my body before they were born.

We have a rule in my family: You cannot make someone do something they don't want to do. It's kind of wordy, but it's the words my kids currently understand. It applies to everything: physical touch, toys, make believe, eating. It applies to everyone: Benjamin, Luna, Mom, Dad, Lily, Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Michael, friends, etc. My kids are being taught to respect the word No. They are also being taught that the word "stop," angry screaming, and crying are other ways to communicate "No." This is how I am teaching the basics of consent to my children.

Here are two frequent examples:

Benjamin wants Luna to play in their room, Luna wants to play in the living room. Benjamin grabs Luna's hand and tries to pull her into their room. Luna screams. I intervene and tell Benjamin that he cannot make Luna do something that she does not want to do. I ask Luna where she wants to play, she answers the living room. I tell Benjamin that Luna is going to play in the living room, he can play in their bedroom. When they both want to play in the same room, they can play together again. Depending on the day, sometimes B&L play on their own in separate rooms, sometimes Benjamin stays in the living room, and sometimes Luna eventually joins him in their room. But the main point is neither one of them can make the other play where they don't want to.

Luna wants to kiss everyone before her nap. Benjamin went through a time where he did not want to kiss her goodnight. Luna would scream and try to make him. I would tell her, "You cannot make Benjamin do something he does not want to do." She would ask him for a hug, and he would agree to hug her goodnight.

In all incidents like the two examples above, my children are taught that they cannot force someone to do something they don't want to do; and at the same time they are being taught that they cannot be forced to do something they don't want to do. They are allowed to say no, and defend themselves.

I am not perfect. There have been times where I don't like how I responded to something my kids did or said. But, just like we teach kids it's ok for them to make mistakes, it's also ok for parents to make mistakes; as long as we correct them. I do believe that I am on the right path with my kids in teaching them about their bodies. I hope that we continue with a good relationship so that they continue to ask me questions and believe the answers I give them.

Back to the incident in which I went to my bishop, I told one person before I went.  I didn't go into detail, I just said that I had to talk to the bishop. They asked why, but I wouldn't tell them. They told me that they were disappointed in me. That made me cry. I'm not mad at that person. I love them, and I know they love me. I believe they were trying to teach me the seriousness of what they thought had happened; but I was refusing to talk. If I had told them, who knows where the conversation would have gone. I have learned from that, and if/when it's my own kids I want to handle the situation differently. If they don't want to tell me, I am going to respect that, but I will not tell them that I am disappointed in them. I will try to use the Spirit to say something like, "I will not make you tell me, but I want you to know that you can tell me and I will listen without judgment.  I will love you and comfort you. I hope that you have a good talk with the bishop and that you can feel the Spirit and Heavenly Father's love. I encourage you to listen for inspiration on what to do to move forward."

Based on conversations with other parents who have children my age, I have faith and hope that this upcoming generation of youth will have a better understanding of chastity, repentance, forgiveness, and consent; and how those principles work together. I have faith and hope that we can raise some pretty amazing stripling warriors for the last days.

April 2018 General Conference Highlights

As always, I was very much ready for General Conference.

Saturday Morning Session

First of all, we got to participate in a solemn assembly to sustain our new prophet. I was 17 when President Monson was sustained as the new prophet, but I don't remember sustaining him so I must have been working that day. So this was my first sustaining of a new prophet that I will remember. It was really special.

The majority of  the morning talks were essentially testimonies of modern day prophets - which is important - coupled with an other topic.

I really liked what Elder Brian K. Taylor said about us being children of God. In quoting an other GA he said, "Fix that truth in your mind and hold to it." I also liked when he said, "Knowing that I am a child of God is the most powerful knowledge I possess."

Elder Neil L. Andersen spoke last, and I felt like his talk was a perfect continuance from has talk in October. Elder Andersen testified that the prophet's voice brings safety during turbulent times. He encouraged us to put exclamation points after statements by the prophet instead of question marks. And, "The prophet does not stand between you and the Savior. Rather, he stands next to you pointing you towards the Savior."

Saturday Afternoon Session

Sister Bonnie L. Oscarson gave once again one of my favorite talks. She talked about how the Young Women of the Church can and should be included in the work of the Church. It was so powerful. She said, "Each member should know how much he or she is needed."

One of my pre-conference prayers was asking for inspiration on how to improve my mothering abilities. Brother Devin G. Durrant's talk was a good start. He talked about the ways in which parents teach their children: FHE, family prayer, on-call teaching opportunity, family scripture study, and example.

I felt a little frustrated by the end of his talk because I'm already doing all of those things. After a minute or so of feeling upset the inspiration came to me that just because I'm already doing those things doesn't mean I don't need reminders. I needed this reminder so that I wouldn't give up, that I should continue and improve and change as my children grow and their needs change.

Sunday Morning Session

I had no idea that a Latina was in the RS Presidency, so when Sister Reyna Aburto began speaking my heart soared. I also loved the topic of her talk. Her talk was about what it means to be "with one accord," or unity. She defined one accord as in agreement, in unity, and all together. She said that the blessings of unity are more inspiration from the Holy Ghost, growth as individuals and as a Church, and miracles increasing.

President Russell M. Nelson closed the morning session. I really can't adequately summarize his talk. But I can say that while he was speaking I felt the Spirit so strong. The Holy Ghost testified to me that  President Nelson is indeed the Lord's chosen prophet at this time.

Sunday Afternoon Session

We got to listen to our two new Apostles, Elder Gong and Elder Soares bare their testimonies. Then we got the exciting announcement that the Home and Visiting Teaching programs will be replaced with Ministering! I haven't read the email yet that goes into detail, but  it's sitting in my inbox!

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf asked, "What is the most important day in history?" He answered that it is the day that Jesus Christ knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane and fulfilled the Atonement. I wrote in my journal that after that day, I think the next most important days in history are: The birth of Christ, The First Vision, and the restoration of Christ's Church in modern days.

Elder Quentin L. Cook condemned rape, sexual harassment, and other forms of sexual violence under the term "non-consensual immorality."  Another GA did so  also during one of the Saturday sessions, but I didn't write down what he said, so I can't remember who said it, but it was something like, "My father said to me, 'Son, you have big strong hands, I hope you never use them to touch a young woman inappropriately."

President Nelson closed the afternoon session as well. He encouraged us to incorporate the messages heard in conference into our FHE lessons - this is something I plan to do right away.  He then announced 7 new temples! I think the most exciting one for me to hear was that a temple will be built in Russia!

It was a great weekend of exciting changes, a strong spirit, and wonderful time with family.

All Aboard! Benjamn's 5th Birthday

This year Benjamin turned 5 years old. 5! I can't believe I have a 5 year old. I can't believe my son is going to Kindergarten in August. Where has the time gone?

Benjamin's birthday party was hastily put together because I was applying and training for a new job the two weeks leading up to his birthday (which I will write about in a later post!). Benjamin loves trains, I mean he LOVES trains. He has a train set that we have been adding on to that he plays with every day. He watches train videos on You Tube. He makes real life train noises perfectly. He knows the correct names for each car and pieces of the track. This kid loves trains. So of course that was the theme for his party, games, and cake!

I made train cars out of cardboard boxes, with paper plates for the wheels, and ribbon to hold on their shoulders. The boys got to color on their train cars with markers and crayons. Then we went outside and made a train. The kids took turns being the conductor, and then my mom was the conductor and took them around the front and back of the house.

We let them free play outside until Benjamin asked for his piñata. All the kids got to go twice, swinging three times. But then they got kind of bored because they were all so little they weren't making any progress. So the other moms and I took some swings at it and got some good cracks in it and let Benjamin take the final swing to break it open.

After that Benjamin opened his presents. Then we sang Happy Birthday to him and had cake and juice boxes. Benjamin was so excited for his cake, that when I was making it he wanted to help. So I let him watch me frost it, and then I let him choose which trains would go on the cake, and he got to place them on the cake in the order that he chose.

At the end of the day Benjamin told us that he loved his birthday and had so much fun. He wasted no time in getting creative with his new train tracks!

Using Our Food Storage

At the beginning of this year we ran into some temporary financial trouble. We could not spend our normal amount on anything, including groceries. Although we live in a small 2-bedroom apartment, I had created a small food storage, and I decided that we would live off of that for a month or two while we got back on our feet.

The reason why our financial trouble was only temporary was because Gerson still has his job, so we needed to hang onto his next few paychecks and spend as little as possible from them while we revamped and reorganized our checkbook and budget. Since we had a paycheck to look forward to, I saved money by only buying needed fresh food like bread and milk. I used any frozen meat, fruit and canned vegetables and fruit, and boxed food first before buying any fresh ingredients. That got us through the first two months of the year, and by March we were good to dive into our new budget and I could begin to rebuild our food storage.

I used to think that it wasn't possible to have a food storage in an apartment. You see, I had been raised by my mom, and her food storage is quite impressive. So I was going off of that when I got married and moved into apartments that had hardly any room to store a regular amount of food, let alone food storage. So for the first two years of my marriage we did not have a food storage at all. I just hoped that should anything happen we would be able to get ourselves to my parents' house and live with them. (Even today now that I have a food storage, getting to my family to my parents' house is still plan A so that we can be together as a family during emergencies/the last days.)

When I was pregnant with Benjamin I read a parenting book titled, Mom! I'm Home! It was written by my aunt's mother Rosanne Buhler Orgill. One section of the book talks about food storage and she advises to rotate your food storage by placing your oldest food items first in line and using those when you cook and replacing them with new items in the back of the line. I started doing that by slowly buying more than I needed of canned and boxed  ingredients. Now when I grocery shop, I buy the amount that I need for the meal that I am making, but I already have some in my pantry, it's just going to replace what I use.

So technically I am always using our food storage, so what I mean by us living off of our food storage for the past two months is that  I wasn't replacing the food that we ate. I couldn't so that we could save money. Now I am rebuilding my food storage again. Situations like this are why we have been taught to have a food storage, to be prepared for any storms  that come our way. I am grateful that I had a food storage prepared. If not, we wouldn't have starved, but we would have had some interesting meals and would have had to rely on neighbors and family. This experience strengthened my testimony that our leaders know what they are talking about when they teach us how to be prepared. And if the temporal preparedness is correct and important, than the spiritual preparedness is too.

Lily, the Best Gift of 2017

On December 27, 2017 we welcomed our third child. A girl, who we named Lily. This is her birth story.

Note: This post goes into some detail about labor and delivery. If that topic is not your cup of tea, stop reading. I won't be offended. :)

Two weeks before my due date I started having contractions daily for 2 hours then they would stop. That happened 4 days in a row. At my 39 week appointment, my doctor gave me the option of being induced on the 22nd. I declined because I would miss all of our Christmas plans. If she came on her own during that time, that was fine, but I didn't want to choose that. I requested to be induced on my due date, the 29th, if she didn't come on her own before then.

I had contractions all afternoon on Christmas day, but they also eventually stopped. On the 26th we did a bunch of cleaning, organizing, and shopping; which was a good thing because I went into labor in the middle of the night, and we went to the hospital with a clean apartment!

At 4:15 in the morning of the 27th I was woken up by a really painful contraction. Because of my previous false alarms, I didn't take it seriously and tried to go back to sleep. But more kept coming, stronger and closer together. I was struggling to watch the clock, so Gerson downloaded a contraction counting app and clocked them for me.

From 4:30-5:00 they were roughly four minutes apart, and by 5:30 they were two minutes apart. During this time they became so painful that breathing techniques weren't helping and I started to yell and scream. I was worried that I would wake up the kids or my neighbors, or both.

We called my parents to ask one of them to come over until Benjamin and Luna woke up, and then take them to their house. Surprisingly, my mom answered on the first ring and sounded awake! I later learned that she had been in a low (She has type 1 diabetes), and she had just barely got her blood sugar up when we called. She sent my dad so that she could rest from her low.

I had a hospital bag packed already, but nothing for the kids to stay with my parents. I had a packing list prepared and left it on the table for my dad. Gerson was helping me get dressed, when an other contraction happened and I felt my body do a small push. For a moment I feared I would deliver at home. I almost told Gerson to call 911, but before I could say anything, a stronger impression helped me say, "New plan. Take my pants and underwear off, and put me in a dress." Gerson ripped my bottom clothes off and stuffed them in my hospital bag, and I put on a floor length stretchy dress.

My dad hadn't shown up yet, but Gerson decided to put me in the car anyway. We opened our door right as my dad walked up. I tried not to scream while we were outside, but one came out anyway and my neighbor - and good friend who was also pregnant and near her due date - opened her door. My dad told her, "Sorry, she's in labor." My friend called for her husband to carry our bags and she helped walk me out to the car. At this point my vision was blurred, so I can't remember seeing anyone, I just heard all of their voices. I apologized if I woke them up. She told me they were already awake, that they were going to the hospital too. I asked her why she was helping me, she laughed and said, "No, I'm not in labor, I'm getting induced today."

While we were driving I went into a kind of daze. I still felt the contractions on the inside, but my body stopped responding to them on the outside. So I stopped tensing up and screaming, I was strangely relaxed and felt like I was falling asleep. I have read that some women do that right before delivery, and I was scared that I would deliver in the car. Gerson drove 20 over the speed limit the whole way, and the pain and feeling came back when we pulled into the parking lot.

I couldn't move on my own to get out of my seat. Gerson was trying to help me, when we heard a voice say, "Would you like a wheel chair?" A nurse who was about to leave had seen us pull up. Gerson said yes and thanked her. She went back inside and brought out another nurse pushing a wheel chair. They wheeled me into a room where more nurses met us.

They asked if I could get into a gown, I told them no, I didn't have underwear on underneath my dress, and I needed to get up onto the bed. Gerson lifted me onto the bed and the nurses started to prep me. They said I was at an 8 and asked if I wanted an epidural, I said, "Yes, if there is time." Gerson later told me that he knew there wasn't going to be time, and he was so scared that I would pass out from the pain.

Whenever I would scream the nurses would kindly say, "Try to turn your screams into deep breaths." They were so nice, positive, and encouraging the whole time. Before they even called the anesthesiologist, I yelled, "I'm pushing!" They checked me and said I was at a 9. They told me my doctor was on his way, and that I needed to not push. They advised me to take short and fast breaths during a contraction to keep myself from pushing. It worked enough to keep baby girl in until my doctor arrived, but it was close and I yelled, "I'm pushing!" two more times. The nurses would say, "You can't, you need to hold it." And I said, "I'm sorry, I'm trying, but I can't control it!" During that last exchange my doctor was in the room putting on his gown, gloves, and mask.

As soon as he was ready I tried my best to follow his instructions, but it was hard because my body was fighting against the pain. I have no idea how long I pushed before Lily was born, but it was quick. She came 30 minutes after we arrived at the hospital. Gerson cut the cord, and they put her on my belly for a quick moment to let me see her, but they had to check her because she had pooped during labor and they wanted to make sure she hadn't swallowed any. The nice thing about the hospital I deliver in is that they don't take baby out of the room for that kind of stuff. They have everything they need right there, and I was able to watch from my bed while Gerson stood right by Lily.

This was my first un-medicated delivery, and I would only do it again if it was as fast as this one was. There is no way I could do that for 8 or 12 hours. I definitely do not regret getting the epidural for Benjamin and Luna!

Once everything had calmed down, they placed her on my chest and we cuddled. I told the nurses I was sorry for all of the screaming. They told me not to worry, that I did great, and they had heard worse. They brought me breakfast, and Gerson fed me while I nursed Lily. On our way to my recovery room, a nurse came up to me and said she was tending to my friend, who was asking about me, but they couldn't tell her anything. Later, when I was rested, I texted her to let her know how I was doing and ask about her.

Because I was so exhausted from lack of sleep and feeling everything, I didn't feel like I really started to bond with Lily until later in the day. I had a similar experience with Benjamin, so I wasn't worried. We stayed in the hospital for two days. My parents brought Benjamin and Luna to visit three times. My friend came by with her baby, and we visited for at least and hour. Lily didn't grasp nursing as quickly as Luna did, but we didn't struggle as much as Benjamin and I did. A week later, she's nursing well!

We have all completely fallen in love with her. Luna wants to hug, kiss, and touch her all of the time. She watches every diaper change, and goes running to the bassinet every time she cries. Benjamin will talk to her when he wants to, but he won't touch her except a soft pat here and there.  He does like to say, "She is so cute." They both love her in their own way.

I'm so grateful that she is healthy, and made it here safely. She definitely belongs in our family!

The Thought Behind the Gifts

Family Search's question for December 23rd was: What are the most memorable and treasured gifts you have received in your life?

I have received many amazing gifts throughout my life, but there are three that stick out: my cat Tiger, a bookcase, and clothes for Luna her first Christmas.

My parents gave me a kitten for my 8th birthday/baptism. This was a really big deal because neither my mom nor dad grew up with pets and neither really liked cats. I had been begging them for a cat since I could talk, but we couldn't have any pets while living in apartments. They gave me Tiger a year after we moved into our house. Giving me a cat was a big way they showed me how much they loved me. Tiger touched all of our hearts during his 18 years of life - even my dad no matter what he says. 😉

Gerson gave me a bookcase our third Christmas. For the first two and a half years of marriage, we just stacked our school books on the floor. Our collection was growing, and I was adding books for pleasure reading as well. When Gerson asked me what I wanted for Christmas, I tentatively said a bookcase. He found a good deal and we assembled it together. I'm a huge bookworm, so a bookcase is a pretty great gift!

We blessed Luna the December after she was born, so Gerson's family came to Utah for Christmas. Most Christmases Gerson's parents have us buy the gifts that are from them and they pay us back. That year they bought and wrapped the presents themselves since they were going to actually see us. Since Luna was only 3 months old I opened her gifts for her. Gerson's family got her a bunch of clothes, and the colors and styles they got showed how much they pay attention to me and what I like. As I gushed over each outfit they said, "These gifts are more for Chelsey than Luna!" I really felt loved by them. 

I hope that I have been as thoughtful in the gifts that I have given my loved ones, and I hope I can continue to be thoughtful in the future. Gift giving has really changed since becoming a mother. I love picking out Benjamin's and Luna's gifts, and I love watching them open their gifts!

Our Proposal Anniversary

Family Search's question for October 16th was: What different occasions do you celebrate each year?

We celebrate all of the major holidays: Christmas, Halloween, Easter, Thanksgiving, Valentine's Day, and Independence Day. I've written about a few here (okay, I've written about Halloween and Christmas, my two favorites):

Trick-or-Treating Lessons
Christmas Traditions
Ode to Ortega Halloweens
An Ortega Christmas Story

We also celebrate graduations, birthdays, and baby blessings:

Benjamin's 3rd Birthday
Princess Luna Turns 1!
Benjamin's 4th Birthday
Dinner and Ice Cream Celebrations

One unique thing that Gerson and I celebrate is the anniversary of the day he asked me to marry him. So we have our wedding anniversary, and then our proposal anniversary. Gerson proposed to me on February 7, 2010 (The story can be read here). It was a Sunday, and on the next day we went to Brick Oven on a date and shared a heart shaped pizza. Now every year on February 7th we go out to Brick Oven and share a heart shaped pizza to celebrate the day we got engaged! It generally ends up being our Valentine's date as well, but it's really special to us to have our own day to celebrate our love for each other.