My Village is not Dead

"It takes a village."
"The village is dead."

 Have you ever heard or read either of those phrases before? Parents of today feel an enormous pressure to do it alone, and to do it perfectly. The mom at the grocery store with a screaming baby or toddler is judged instead of helped. It is very difficult for a family to survive on one income, and at the same time the price of daycare often makes a second working parent not worth it. And in some families, extended family members prefer their relationships with nieces, nephews, and grandchildren to be only during the holidays, and sometimes less than that or non-existent!

It took me six years of being a mom to realize this, but I am happy to say that my village is not dead. I have a village made up of family members and neighbors who are a part of my children's lives, and I love those people so much, and am so grateful to them!

My parents and brother are a part of my village. They live seven minutes away, and all of us utilize that. We have dinner at their house every Sunday. Everyone pitches in with feeding, diaper changes, playing, reading, and baths. Back in 2016 I was in a rough spot emotionally, and my mom suggested that Gerson and I up our monthly dates to weekly dates. She said to pick a night, Friday or Saturday, she would watch Benjamin and Luna (now Lily also), and the night we didn't choose would be date night for her and my dad. She offered that, I didn't ask; but I do think that young parents shouldn't feel guilty for asking family to watch their children so they can have a date night. My parents invite B&L to sleepover about once a month as well (Lily will join when she is old enough). While this does provide much needed alone time with Gerson, it also strengthens my children's relationship with their grandma and papa - that relationship is really important! They have also bought needed items for B,L,&L when finances have been tight for us. My brother reads to them, he plays with them, he also babysits every once in a while. They love Uncle Michael, he is the favorite uncle.

My in-laws are a part of my village. Gerson's family lives in California, so they can't help in the way that my parents do; but they still love their grandchildren and provide love and support where they can. Whenever we see them, they always give us clothing for the kids, and that is extremely helpful. They provide encouragement and support in how Gerson and I are choosing to raise our children. Gerson's sisters always let B&L sit on their laps, hold their hands, and cuddle with them. And we maintain communication through phone calls and Skype. B,L,&L love their Abuelito, Abuelita, and tías.

My extended family is a part of my village. My grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins have all taken an interest in B,L,&L. They give them love and attention at family gatherings. They help feed them, play with them, comfort them. My parents recently took B&L to visit my dad's mom for a few days, and my cousin and uncle went to the grocery store to buy B&L's favorite cereal for their breakfast while they were there. The love that my family has for my children just warms my heart.

My neighbors are a part of my village. I have two wonderful neighbors that have become honorary tías to my children. We bonded while watching The Bachelor together, and our children are the same age, so the friendships on all levels worked. They are safe adults in my children's lives. B&L play in their homes, I can call on them to babysit - and have also taken care of their kids. I can tell them about my struggles without feeling shame or embarrassment, and receive support and advice. I can also comfortably ask for an ingredient I am out of while making dinner, and they do the same with me. We rarely replace what we borrowed, because we are family. (Off the top of my head I can only think of two times where I requested a replacement because I was using that ingredient the next day and couldn't get to the store when they could.) On top of all of that, we simply are best friends, and we love each other! I love the community we have created, and am sad that location-wise, the closeness is temporary since we are in apartments, and we all will one day move away. 😭 But I plan on staying connected, and

hopefully our children will remain friends as well!

I don't think that the village is truly dead, but I do think it takes love and effort to make it successful! It took me 6 years to realize that I had a village - and to accept that it's okay to need help. Children need more than just their parents. Children need other adults in their life who are safe, loving, and supportive. I am so grateful that my children have that.

Princess Mononoke and the Right to Live

*Disclaimer: Everything I say about this movie is from a Western-Christian point of view. I am in no way trying to speak for the original intent of the writers and producers.

Once a week my brother and I try to get together and watch a movie. We take turns picking and introducing each other to our favorites. My brother is a huge fan of Studio Ghibly (we grew up loving Kiki's Delivery Service), and he has picked his top favorites to show me. So far we have watched (in this order):

Castle in the Sky (Loved!)
Spirited Away (Terrified me, never again.)
Howl's Moving Castle (It was enjoyable, but I had some problems with it.)
Princess Mononoke (LOVED!)

The basic story line of Princess Mononoke is that humans are destroying the forests for industrialism, and the spirit animals (called gods) are at war with the humans to protect the forests. The main character, Ashitaka, comes from a distant village and is unaware of the conflict until he accidentally finds himself in the middle of it. Lady Eboshi is the leader of Irontown where they dig up iron for profit and cut down the forest for building. San, a human who was raised by the the wolf god, helps the wolf clan fight the humans and protect the forest. Ashitaka, as a stranger and outsider, is not emotionally attached to only one side, and wants everyone to coexist peacefully.

In this movie, hate has the power to become a literal demon within those who allow hate to grow in their hearts (mixed with some other stuff, but I'm not going to give the whole movie away). Hate encourages both humans and animals to kill. Ashitaka tries to convince both humans and animals to let go of their hate, stop killing, and live. The Great Spirit, also called the Night Walker, represents a Creator being, and is in charge of both life and death. He is supposed to be the only being in charge of creating life and taking it away.

Due to my Latter-day Saint background, I couldn't help but notice a similarity between Heavenly Father and the Great Spirit, and Hate and Satan. The Great Spirit is all seeing and all knowing, and is the only spirit/god to see Ashitaka for who he really is (the other gods fear and hate him simply for being human).The Great Spirit has a few moments of saving characters who have not reached their time, and allowing others to die when it is their time. Hate encourages killing of the "other," greed, and anger. Ashitaka seems to be the only character who truly understands that the Great Spirit is supposed to be the only being in charge of life and death, and it's that message that got me thinking about hate, life, and death in the real world.

Heavenly Father is the creator of life, and it is supposed to only His power to take earthly life away. But as Satan encourages hate among mankind, we end up killing each other and sometimes ourselves - this killing can be literal or emotional, fast or slow. Here are some common ways in which mankind kills:

• Murder
• Abortion
• Neglect
• War (Of course, there are times where war is necessary)
• Suicide (I understand suicide is very complex, and I know I am not an expert. I am not judging anyone who has taken their life or attempted to take their life, and I know that God knows what is in their hearts.)
• Over eating/under eating
• Over exercise/under exercise
• Seeking perfection
• Harmful words against others or oneself
• Working too much/not working enough
• Judging others or oneself

I'm sure more can be added to the list.

We need to let go of our hate for others or ourselves and live. Heavenly Father blessed us with life, we can thank Him by living our best life. No, we won't be completely free from trials, pain, and temptations, but we can use His help to overcome them or live through them, and find joy. No, I'm not perfect, and I'm not trying to look down on anyone. This movie simply touched me very deeply and I wanted to share my feelings about it. My hope and goal is to start ask myself when I am making a decision, "Does this decision allow myself and others it affects to live?"

If you have seen the movie, I would love to hear your thoughts about it. If you haven't seen the movie, watch it! It is so good!

 

Lily's Winter ONEderland

At the end of last year, Lily turned one! Oh my goodness, I can't believe it. At this point she says Mama, Dada, Hi, and lots of gibberish - but it's not gibberish to her, you can tell by her tone of voice and facial expressions that she knows what she is saying. She can stand for several seconds without support, she walks sideways with support; but she cries when we try to help her walk forward, she would rather crawl. She has only 5 teeth, which is weird for me because both Benjamin and Luna had all of their teeth by the time they were one.

With Lily being born two days after Christmas, we thought convincing other people to spend the time and energy to celebrate her Birthday would be difficult. But our friends and family surprised us and either came to her party, or still made an effort to send Birthday greetings. We appreciate everyone who wished Lily a Happy Birthday in some way.

Gerson's sister graduated from Weber State University two weeks before Lily's birthday, and the rest of Gerson's family came that weekend, so we had Lily's party then! I thought it would be fun to do a winter theme, and while I was searching Pinterest for ideas I found the winter onederland spelling and thought that was super cute.

We started the party crafting tree ornaments. The options were: snowflakes, snowmen, and penguins. It was really fun, and Benjamin and Luna loved it!

We had a snowman piñata. Benjamin was the oldest kid there at the time, and he couldn't break it open on his own. So my brother hit it a few times to weaken it, and Benjamin ultimately broke the piñata open! The final activity was pin the nose on Frosty. Everyone did a good job.

We had soup, rolls, chips, and chocolate covered strawberries for dinner. Lily had a cake all to herself, and cupcakes decorated with snowmen and snowflakes were served to everyone else. Benjamin and Luna both got really messy diving into their cakes when they turned one. Lily was so cute and dainty; she would pinch tiny bird seed sized pieces of cake and frosting and eat them! She still did get a little messy though.

We had such a fun time with everyone that all of my pictures are from after the party ended - they way it should be!

I'm a Working-From-Home-Mom

Last year, I felt inspired to start looking for a part time job. Specifically a teaching job - or something similar connected to education, since that is what my degree is in. Part time teaching jobs exist, but they obviously aren't as common as full time. I also needed it to be at a time of day where I wouldn't need a babysitter. That gave me the option of teaching summer school or night classes, which greatly decreased my options further. I found a few, and I applied for them, but it didn't turn into anything for me. I paused my search as we prepared for Lily to join our family.

Shortly after Lily was born, a sister in my ward told me about her job: she taught from home, part time, and she set her own schedule! She taught English online to children in China. It took me a month to decide to apply. By then I thought I had missed my opportunity, but it turned out the company is always hiring. I reached out to the lady in my ward, and she sent me a link to apply.

The company is called VIPKID, and they hire English speakers to teach English online. We use a web cam, and a headset with a microphone. The company has their own video chat program. We can see and hear the student, they can see and hear us, and we both can see the lesson Power points that the teacher controls. One must have a Bachelor's degree, but it doesn't have to be a teaching degree. I filled out an application, had an interview, and what is called a Mock Class before I was officially set to start teaching (the mock class portion of the hiring process has changed slightly since I was hired back in March). Through the Mock Class, and a video recording of myself "teaching" I became certified for Pre-VIP Level 1 and Trials (Trials are potential students trying out the program before they buy classes.)

Because my students live in China, I teach during their awake times, which for living in MDT can range from 6:30pm- 7:00am. The lessons are 25 minutes long and begin on the hour and half hour. I chose to open up my schedule for 5:00-7:00 am (those two hours are the "hot" times because it is in the evening after school, after extra curricular activities, and after dinner). I don't get assigned students, the parents choose to schedule me. My first week teaching I got scheduled 3-4 of my 4 slots every day! I was so excited. They were all trials, and half of them ended up being "Student No Shows." After that, for the next several months, I only got 1-2 students a week, still all trials, half being No Shows. (Teachers still get paid for a No Show - half if it's a trial, full if it's a "Major Course" - since we are there in the classroom ready to go.)

I became very frustrated, and I felt like I was working for the teaching version of Jamberry or DoTerra, where it sounds great, but really only a few employees are successful. I felt like the person who referred me only did so for the monetary incentive on their end. In May and June, I got a couple of Major Course students who rescheduled me a few times, but I eventually never saw them again. I took every workshop that VIPKID offered. I changed my profile picture, changed my introductory video, changed the background of my classroom, and got certified to teach more levels; hoping that one or all of those changes would help get me more students. None of that seemed to make a difference.

VIPKID does 6 month contracts. My first 6 months were up at the end of September. At the beginning of August I was seriously considering not signing a second contract and looking into local after school tutoring jobs. Gerson suggested that I sign my second contract and we evaluate at the year mark. I'm so glad he had that impression and encouraged me, because towards the end of August I woke up to full bookings for the following week! And I haven't had a scarce schedule since.

During my "dark days" where I thought I had been duped, I heard other teachers claiming that after weeks of nothing, one day they woke up and had full bookings. I resentfully thought, "That's not possible for me. Are they hiding something they did to get bookings?" But it did happen to me, it just took  much longer than I thought it would take. I'm glad I hung on, and I'm glad Gerson encouraged me not to give up.

I love this job. I love my students. My sleeping schedule is taking a while to get used to because I have to go to bed early and wake up early. Gerson is home to take care of the kids if they wake up while I am teaching. I believe Heavenly Father was preparing me for this job a year before I learned about it when He inspired me to start looking. It was the perfect timing. It helps a little bit financially, and it helps me significantly emotionally and mentally.

 I call myself a "Working-From-Home-Mom" and I think that needs to be an initial: WFHM. 😉

Luna's My Little Pony Party

A couple of weeks ago, Luna turned 3 years old! She has developed so much. She can hold an actual conversation, she knows the alphabet, she can count to 20, she knows colors. She has such a cute imagination and she is quite the gymnast!

On Luna's actual birthday, we went out to dinner as a family and she opened her gifts from us that night.

We threw a friend party for Luna on the weekend that was My Little Pony themed. I made pony tails out of ribbon in the colors of the 6 main ponies for the kids to wear. Luna picked Pinky Pie and Benjamin picked Rainbow Dash.

The opening activity was a blank pony that the kids colored in.

Once all of the guests had arrived and colored their ponies, we moved on to Pin the Tail on Rainbow Dash. One kid got super close, and the rest landed somewhere in the middle.

After that, it was time for the piñata. A Pinky Pie piñata of course. We lined up the kids by age after Luna, and the 4th kid knocked the head off! So we had to tie it back together so everyone could have a turn.

We finished the party with presents and cake. Luna loves all of her presents and places all of them either right by her bed or on the headboard for nap time and bedtime.

It was so fun to see all the neighborhood kids playing together and having fun. It was nostalgic for me because it reminded me of the birthday parties in the apartment complex I lived in before my parents bought a house. Especially this photo.

I'm so grateful my kids have such good friends.

Opposites attract, and that's okay, right?

Almost every morning, I read a chapter in the scriptures and an article in The Ensign while I eat my breakfast. Recently, I read an article titled "Choosing Whom to Marry" by Scott R. Braithwaite, who is an Associate Professor of Psychology at BYU. Since I am already married, I didn't think the article would teach me much, but I still read it because I read each issue of The Ensign cover to cover.

Professor Braithwaite has studied divorce predictors. One such predictor stood out to me:

"Do birds of a feather flock together, or do opposites attract? That is, do people have healthier marriages if they are similar to one another or if they have differences that complement and balance out areas of weakness? Answers to questions about people are often complex, but in this case there is a clear answer: the more alike two people are, the more stable and satisfying their marriage. “Birds of a feather” for the win!"

I consider Gerson and I opposites that attracted each other. Gerson's strengths are math and science, while mine are history and English. I was a competitive ballroom dancer, and he was a video gamer when we met. I'm a bookworm, and Gerson hates reading. There are very few movies and TV Shows that we both like, and we do not like the same music at all. In fact, one of the biggest fights we had before we got married was about the musical groups Tool and The Backstreet Boys. On top of all of that, Gerson and I grew up in different cultures, and spoke different languages at home.

So when I read the above paragraph, I felt frustrated. No, I don't think Gerson and I will ever get divorced  - we are not even close to going down that road; but I felt like I had to defend my marriage to myself.

Professor Braithwaite goes on to explain that the reason why couples who are similar have easier marriages is because they are able to spend more time and energy on enriching their relationship rather than reconciling differences. At this point I wrote in the margins, "How opposite is opposite?" The next sentence in the article answered my question, "This principle is especially important when it comes to matters of faith."

Okay, so Gerson and I are actually fine! Both of us wanted a temple marriage. Both of us had similar goals and ideas about children and how to raise them. Both of us have the goal of reaching the Celestial Kingdom. Yes, we do have some minor differences in our way of living our religion, but we are committed to each other, and having the same big goals along with our commitment makes working through minor differences easier and worth it.

The rest of the article I felt validated my marriage to Gerson. Professor Braithwaite recommended that people stop looking for their soul mate, because soul mates don't exist. I do agree to a point. I have never believed that there is only one person for each of us. What if there was and the one person meant for you made choices that led them away from you? That wouldn't be fair to you.

However, I do believe that Gerson and I knew each other in the preexistance, and had a close relationship. I believe that our spirits recognized each other when we met, because the pull I felt towards Gerson was not immediately physical, but spiritual. I know that's not the same thing as a soul mate though.

Professor Braithwaite wrote that we choose our spouse. Gerson and I definitely chose each other. There were a few outside forces that did not want to support our relationship, but we were committed and didn't let those forces win. We still are committed.

Professor Braithwaite also suggests that instead of creating a list of the ideal partner, we develop the attributes ourselves that we would want our spouse to have. I never had a list, which I'm sure helped me fall in love with Gerson so quickly and easily. I have always loved him for who he is, not who I want him to be.

At the end of the article I wrote, "Gerson and I are similar in the important things, and opposite in the less important things." Have some of our opposites created roadblocks in our marriage? Absolutely. But we had already decided that we were committed to each other. We love each other way too much to let his video gaming or my desire to bring dance back into my life every once in a while (among our other opposites) break up our family. Two years ago our marriage was really tested, and we got through it and came out on top! We are stronger because of it.

I'm sure other people didn't overanalyze this article the way that I did. But I think that marriage advice is a lot like parenting advice: you accept the pieces that fit with your family, and shrug off the ones that don't. I sometimes feel the need to validate my marriage because I'm scared of others judging my marriage. That's simply an insecurity that I am dealing with. But I know that I don't need to feel that way, and I'm working on not being so self conscious about how other people view my family.

Gerson and I are two opposites who fell in love and got married. And despite our opposites, we are in a happy, loving, and stable marriage.

Potty Training 101 and 202

Both Benjamin and Luna are potty trained, and have been for a while. (Yay!) The overlap time of both Benjamin and Luna being in diapers was six months; Luna and Lily: 2 months. (We are making progress!) Benjamin was 3 years old when he was ready to potty train, Luna was 2.5. I'm not comparing in a negative way. Each child is different, and needs different things. I knew that Luna would potty train differently than Benjamin, but I was not prepared for - and very pleasantly surprised by - how vastly different the experience would be.

Benjamin was not interested in pull ups. I tried putting him in pull ups and taking him to the bathroom on a timer. He screamed and fought me, and refused to sit on the little toilet. A friend suggested that I skip pull ups during the day and go straight to underwear. It was dramatic at first. Benjamin cried every time he went in his underwear. That motivated him to hold it until he could get to a toilet, and he was willing to do the whole timer thing (20 mins., 30 mins., 1 hr., then no timer). We had a bag of dum-dum suckers under the sink, and Benjamin got one every time he went potty or poop in the toilet.

Benjamin caught on to going potty in the toilet within a few weeks, but it took much longer for him to go poop in the toilet. Once he consistently went potty without very many accidents, he stopped getting suckers for going potty, but continued getting suckers if he pooped in the toilet. His ability to tell me when he needed to go to the bathroom at home did not transfer to out in public, because he was so distracted. So he wore pull ups out in public vs. underwear at home for several months. He also slept in pull ups for a year before he was able to sleep in underwear.

The whole process was longer than I imagined, but that's not a bad thing. He eventually got there!

Luna was the complete opposite. She trained herself in 3 days! Like Benjamin, Luna was not interested in going potty in the toilet when she was wearing pull ups. Her first day in underwear, she went by herself  - without telling me until after - in the toilet by dinner time! The second day was like a restart; accidents in the morning, and perfection by dinner. By day 3, she had it down. She didn't need or want the timer. She did, however want the sucker every time she went potty. 😉

Benjamin got a sucker too every time Luna went potty, so he was always encouraging her to go potty. She got it down so quickly, though, that after a week I told them no more suckers, except for poop. It took her about a month to get comfortable going poop in the toilet. She also was sleeping in her underwear within the first month of potty training. She still had accidents every once in a while, but her accidents were so scarce, that I would say her actual potty training time was about a week. She went out  in public in underwear by the end of the first month as well. This girl was simply amazing!

I have zero expectations for Lily. We'll just see what her needs are when the time comes. I did not train Benjamin "wrong," nor did I train Luna "right." Every kid is different. It's trial and error. Figure out what their needs are, what matches their personality, and when you do, forget everything else.